Busy busy and yet....

I spied this on the Google homepage and couldn't resist. I got such a chuckle out of it that i had to share. Now y'all will know exactly how it is done.

Just in time for V-day, Wikihow brings you, how to French Kiss! Absolutely priceless...
(here it is, reproduced, along with all the Wiki links)

You have seen it done often in the movies and probably on the street in darkened corners. The French kiss is a timeless and passionate gesture of romantic affection. Whether you live in Paris, France or Paris, Texas, you can learn how to kiss like the French do without an embarrassing faux pas!

Steps

Freshen your breath. You never want to have bad breath when you are about to kiss someone, whether the kiss is a French kiss or not. Because your mouth will be open in a French kiss, fresh breath is especially important. Practice good dental hygiene. Carry mints with you if you think there is even so much as a hint of a chance you might kiss. Avoid foods that leave an unpleasant aftertaste or residue, particularly garlic, onions, milk, and corn.

Moisten your lips. Dry lips do not move well together, but you do not want them to be dripping wet either. Just a light brush of your tongue over your lips will be sufficient to moisten them. A little bit of lip balm can help, too, but be warned, lipstick can be awfully messy so blot before you kiss.

Angle your head. If your mouths meet dead-on, your noses will get in the way, and you will not be able to kiss deeply or smoothly. To avoid this, tilt your head slightly to one side. Make sure you do not both tilt your heads to the same side.
Close your eyes. As you approach for the kiss, look into your partner's eyes, but, once you are close to theirs, close your eyes. It can be a bit of a turnoff to be kissing and going cross-eyed .

Start with a gentle and soft closed-mouth kiss. The French kiss is an open-mouth kiss, but do not lunge in with your lips agape like you're going to eat them; instead, open your lips very slowly. If you were learning to speak French, you would probably start with the basics, vocabulary and grammar, before trying to write poetry. Well, the French kiss is like the poetry of kissing, and before you can be good at it, you have to master the closed-mouth kiss. Even after you have added French kissing to your romantic repertoire, it is usually better to start a kiss with closed lips.

Go Dutch on the decision to French. Kissing should be a shared decision. You need to have permission to French kiss someone, but when your lips are locked with your theirs you may want to stop and ask, "Hey, this is great, but can I put my tongue in your mouth?" If that doesn't work out, open your lips slowly and just a little during the kiss so that one of your lips is sandwiched between theirs and one of theirs is between yours. As you are locking and re-locking lips, brush your tongue against your partner's lips ever so slightly. This should make it clear that you want to French kiss. If your partner's tongue does not respond in like fashion or if they pull away, you will have to save the French kiss for another time when you are both ready.

Explore with your tongue. If you and your partner seem to be enjoying the open-mouth kiss, slowly try to open your mouth a little bit more and gently push your tongue a little farther into their mouth. The tongue is very sensitive, and the mere act of touching your partner's tongue with your own will be very pleasant and stimulating for each of you. Do not stick your tongue too far into the mouth, as this can be a big turn-off. Instead, just gently and playfully touch tongues.

Mix it up. Kisses are like snowflakes: no two are exactly the same. Once you finally feel comfortable French kissing someone, it is tempting to try to do the same thing every time. Add variety. Sometimes kiss deeper, for example, and other times pay more attention to the lips than the tongue. Hold the kiss longer or shorter and explore the art of kissing. When something feels good for each of you, do not abandon it for the sake of variety.

Read Body Language. Everybody kisses a little differently, and each person enjoys different things in a kiss - there is no "right" way to kiss. What separates good kissers from bad is an ability to read a partner's body language and be responsive to their partner. Of course if your partner pulls away or seems uncomfortable at any time, understand that you have to slow it down. Listen for cues that tell how much your partner is enjoying a particular kissing maneuver. If you hear a sigh or moan, or they begin kissing you back with increased intensity, realize that they are responding with fervor.

Develop your style. Good French kissing, like good kissing of any kind, requires practice. You will get better as you do it more. In addition, the more practice you have with one person, the more comfortable you will feel kissing them and developing a style that suits both of you.

Tips

Breathe! Forgetting to breathe is probably the most common French kissing error. Do not hold your breath--everybody needs to breathe, and it is a lot more awkward when you have to pull away gasping for air than if you're breathing normally. Breathe through your nose, and try to keep a normal rhythm. As you and your partner grow comfortable with the kiss, you can try breathing through your mouth a little: sharing breaths as well can be romantic (but not everybody likes it).

Teeth are a sensitive subject. You definitely do not want to bump teeth with each other. It is not only awkward, but can hurt as well. It might inevitably happen at times, so do not worry when it does. You may want to try rubbing the backs or fronts of the teeth of the other person with your tongue. This can create a ticklish feeling that might enhance your kiss. Not everyone enjoys having someones tongue rubbing on their teeth, and many do not like to touch teeth with their tongue.

Not everybody likes to be kissed the same way, so while your former partner might have enjoyed one method of kissing, your new love might not. You need to learn to read signals and adapt to a style that's comfortable for each each of you. This works in reverse, too. Just because someone doesn't kiss you like you are used to does not mean they are a bad kisser. As long as you are not uncomfortable with the kiss, try to be open-minded, as you just might like the new style.

Be an active partner. If someone is French kissing you and you want them to do so, do not just sit there but get into the kiss. Reciprocate their actions, and alternate taking the lead on the movements of your tongues and lips. If you are uncomfortable with any part of the kiss, do not be afraid to pull away or gently close your lips. This will give your your partner the hint.

There are no rules for how long you should hold a kiss. If you feel uncomfortable at any time, break the kiss; otherwise, just enjoy it until one or both of you slowly pull apart, usually together. It is extremely romantic to lightly suck your partner's upper or bottom lip as you part. You might find yourselves returning to kissing, after each of you takes a breath.

Use your hands. Your hands are important to kissing, and you should use them to make the kiss more romantic. Gently hold your partner's face with your hands on their cheeks and their neck, or wrap your arms around your partner in an embrace. The most important thing about using your hands is that you respect your partner's boundaries. Play with their ears or run your fingers through their hair, as this is very stimulating. The second most important thing (much less important than the first) is that your hands should do something. Don't just let them hang at your sides; it will seem like you're not into the kiss, and you'll look like an ape.

Talk about it. A lot of people have difficulty talking about intimacy, but open communication is important to all parts of a relationship. If you really like the way your partner kisses you, let them know. If you don't like something, also let your partner know that, but approach it delicately and compliment them at the same time on something they did that you liked. Even if the kiss goes all wrong, it can still be an intimate affair if you can both laugh about it together!

Warnings

When you use your tongue to nudge your partner's lips, don't press hard, and don't keep trying if they do not want to open their lips. Do not force a person into a French kiss as your partner will resent you if you do.

Offer your partner a breath mint, and take one yourself before kissing. This ensures that you won't be recoiling from your date nor they from you.

To some people a hard tongue is a turn-off. Keep tongue and lips soft and supple...think of the pressure used to lick a soft servie ice cream cone, no probing with a stiff tongue unless the other enjoys it. use variations too to mix it up. Now go practice!

You can still French kiss if one or both of you has braces, but you should be careful to prevent the braces from touching each other. Also avoid touching the braces with your tongue (you could cut your tongue).

Excessive saliva can build up during a French kiss, and that can interfere with the romantic moment. Swallow periodically without breaking the kiss. If you have trouble doing that, do not be afraid to pull away for a moment.

If you ever feel uncomfortable or do not want to move forward with any move your partner is attempting, pull away and let your partner know that you want to stop. Be firm. It's OK to say no.

Busy busy

Work is hell right now, so in the honour of Valentine's day - that most creepy* of holidays, I bring you this post from Toni's blog. These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line.

I also want to wish my great friend Slébinette (name changed to protect the innocent), who has the great "fortune" of having been born today, a happy birthday despite the V-day madness. Love you muchly sweetheart! Feel free to wish her a happy B-day and send her nasty chocolate in a fluffy beribbonned box.

* Seriously. I find V-day creepy. The day to show your lover you love him/her. Shouldn't you be doing that all the time? And the whole red candy and chocolate thing... And the polarization between people who are depressed as hell because they're single on V-day and the heart shaped chocolate box buyers.... Why does anyone care about a 100% fabricated holiday. Creepy I tell you!

( photo from stockphoto - but I bet you guessed that)

Just sayin'

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Extreme
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv">Dante Inferno Hell Test

Seventh Level of Hell
Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.

I figure 7 suits me to a T - Bwwahahahahahahaa

Because it's Friday and this made me laugh

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him,"George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers,"Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows.

It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.

Abe replies, "My advice is, do something relaxing. Go see a play!"

Dumb things

I saw another teenager today wearing ballet flats and no socks. On the street. In February. In Montreal. It seems to be some sort of a trend, I've been seeing this regularly. It's 10 freaking degrees below zero! Idjit girls. To think I was once a teenage girl. The mind boggles.
_______________________________________________________

As much as cell phone people annoy me, I think the iPod people are worse. With their headphones on. Singing at the top of their lungs. For some reason it seems like the only ones singing out loud are the ones who really really shoudn't. The once who have no voice, never had had any voice and are just a blight on the urban soundscape. Sometimes I just feel like slapping them.

_______________________________________________________

There's a whole sneeze into your sleeve movement going on right now. Did I ever mention that? Might be. Anyway, so the point is, when in public you should sneeze into your sleeve because that way you don't contaminate your hand with germs and slather them all over subway and bus poles or door handles etc. Sorry, but the whole idea is a bit nasty to me. What if it's one of those sneezes that disloges copious amounts of mucus? On your sleeve. For the world to see. At least you can wipe your hand with a kleenex. Or hey, why not sneeze directly into the kleenex. There's a thought. Why has nobody thought of that particular brilliant idea?

_______________________________________________________

And speaking of Kleenex. I saw an ad recently for - get this - antiviral kleenex. After years of useless antibacterial everything from soap to Febreeze, now you have kleenex that will kill your germs. How stupid is that?

First you had hankies, then kleenex, then 3-ply man kleenex, then kleenex with lotion (by the way, never clean your glasses with those - makes a nasty mess), and now bug killing kleenex. Can't help but wonder what the next generation of snot picker upper will offer.

On media convergence

(Disclaimer: Sorry if this entry is totally incoherent - I'm not sure it makes sense or that I'm getting my point across.)

A new gameshow started a few weeks ago in Quebec called Le Banquier (The Banker), which is, apparently, our version of an American show called Deal or No Deal - which someone told me is actually a version of a Dutch show.

Now, seems, from the 15 minutes I watched that you don't need any particular knowledge to play this game. No skills other than the ability to jump up and down and act insane on TV. Basically, it's just a question of odds, and ogling pretty models, so meh, whatever.

You can win up to $500,000 I think. What can I say, we're cheap in Quebec, no million dollar jackpots here.

And yes there is a point to this post. I think.

It's the whole convergence thing that freaks me out on this. Quebecor owns a TV network (TVA which airs the show), as well as numerous newspapers the Journal de Montréal, the Journal de Québec, the Ottawa Sun, the Toronto Sun, the London Free Press, the Winnipeg Sun, the Edmonton Sun, the Calgary Sun*, the free commuter dailies in Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto and Vancouver as well as nine local dailies in Ontario, Manitoba and Alberta). It is the largest magazine publisher in Quebec. It owns Videotron, the Quebec cable company, which also provides internet connections and phone services. It owns Archambault, one of the biggest bookstores in Quebec as well as most of the major publishers.

The host (and producer) of the show, Julie Snyder, also happens to be the wife of the guy who owns this whole passel of media outlets. Surprise surprise. I'm not sure her production company doesn't belong to Quebecor too.

Now, on Le Banquier one evening a lady won $25,000. The next day she was in all Quebecor's newspapers, and a bit later in all their weekly magazines, and more freakishly, on the 6:00 pm news. Not on the morning shows, not on the entertainment shows. Nope. On the "serious" news.

I have no problems with empire builidng as such, I mean more power to Pierre Peladeau and his son Pierre-Karl, who took over when his father died.

And I do realize that it's the same everywhere, in every sector. I do, however find it distrubing that these conglomerates own all the news outlets and basically are in a position to dictate today's news - even if it isn't news in any way, shape or form. It somehow feels just wrong. I find it troubling how these companies basically "make" the news. What, are there no more famines? have all the wars been ended overnight and there's no news other than how this woman won $25,000? Should we care? Why? So we can try to get on your show or watch it and help the ratings soar?

Another example. A couple of weeks ago, a radio station (98.5 FM), a TV network (TVA) and a newspaper (Le Journal de Montreal) - surprise surprise - had a survey done on Quebecers and racism. It was splashed across the news media for a week, with an "in-depth" analysis of a particular aspect of the survey each day. Thing is, was it news? I don't happen to think so; it was fabricated because, I suppose, someone figured we hadn't had a good kerfuffle in a long time.

Besides, a survey is so easy to fix, just ask the questions in order to get the answer you want. And there seems to be more and more of this going on and it annoys the hell out of me. I basically forego the news because, well, what's the point really?

How much of it is news?

Rant over, and to paraphrase the immortal Evil Spock:

Jazz out.

* I can't help thinking, seeing all these Suns how bizarre it is to name a paper the Sun. Why? As for the Free Press, that's sort of debatable too, I guess.

The world travellers have emailed again.

They took the bus or train from Bangkok to the Myanmar (Burma) boarder. They weren't allowed in - very selective these Myanmarese are. So they decided to spend a month in Laos. Then back to Bangkok to fly into Myanmar - apparently it's easier to get in that way.

Life's a bitch ain't it?

Ingredients for a great weekend

- Kusmi Russian Breakfast tea

- The Big Over Easy by Jasper Fforde

- Couple of magazines


- Season 2 of Six Feet Under

- A new book on tea

- Good wine

- Good meals

- A fire in the fireplace

- Starting a collage and having it go well

- Cuddling

- More Good wine

- A Mr. Jazz evil margarita or two

- Flannel sheets

- Lots of birds at the feeders

- Peanut M&Ms (the chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand they say)

- More Cuddling

- A great sunday brunchy breakfast

Monday is obviously not the best day to post pics. This looks totally awful, but I'm too lazy to get it to look good. Besides, I'm not sure what "good" looks like at this point.

It’s the Super Bowl!

Sunday, as any North American living in mainstream society, or even simply not living in a cave in the wilds of northern Saskatcheawn knows, is the Super Bowl. Apparently the top 10 most watched shows in the U.S. are all Super Bowls, which just goes to prove how popular this game is.

The game... and the commercials. For some reason it seems the commercials are a huge selling point. In Canada we get the game, but with Canadian commercials and in Montreal at least, bars are selling their Super Bowl by touting the fact that they have the U.S. feed, thus the real commercials. How weird is it that you sell the biggest sporting event in the U.S. for its commercials? How weird is it that it's the commercials that are attracting viewers? Is there something I don't quite understand here?

Anyhow, I don’t watch the Super Bowl. Neither for the game nor for the commercials. I never have liked American football – I’m much more of a soccer fan.

Still, in the interest of Super Bowl blogging, here’s some trivia I found most interesting.

• According to Hallmark Cards, Inc., The Super Bowl represents the No. 1 at-home party event of the year. Believe it or not, it’s even bigger than New Year’s Eve.
• Hallmark also figures the average number of people attending a Super Bowl partyto be 17 – what, did they count?
• No fewer than $55 million is expected to be spent on food for The Big Game (spoken in a deep booming echo-y voice).
• After spending an estimated ten million man-hours (give or take a couple of seconds) preparing all that grub, Americans are expected to consume the lot within approximately fifteen minutes, well before the first touchdown is scored.
• Super Bowl Sunday marks the day on which Americans chow the second-greatest amount of food after Thanksgiving
• In the week before the Super Bowl, sales for processed cheese go up 15%!
• Almost 15,000 tons of chips and 4,000 tons of popcorn are eaten.
• Lining up each and every chip would produce a trail of almost 293,000 miles (not quite 1-1/2 times the distance to the moon, or six feet per American).
• A popcorn string consisting of all that popcorn would ring the Earth almost 5-1/2 times.
• Some 12 million pounds of avocado are sold in preparation for the game so that Americans may gorge themselves on an estimated eight million pounds of guacamole. This is enough avocados to cover Miami's Dolphin Stadium football field end zone to end zone more than 20.5 feet deep.
• There are more pizzas sold on Super Bowl Sunday than any other day of the year. Domino's will deliver twice as many pizzas as they would on a normal Sunday, and their delivery drivers will travel four million miles that day.
• An average person watching the Super Bowl will consume around 1200 calories during the game.
• 7-Eleven claims a whopping 20 percent in sales of antacid the day after the Super Bowl.
• Statistics show that six percent of all working Americans will call in sick the day after the Bowl. (They have to go out and get all that antacid – still, I’d like to know the proportion of working Americans who call in sick on any given Friday or Monday. )
  
  Trivia gathered from here and here
  
  Not that this has anything to do with the Bowl, but here, because I adore avocados (cut in half with a light vinaigrette… mmmmmmm) here is a bit of avocado trivia I found along the way: Avocados will not ripen on the tree, but must be cut from the tree for ripening to begin. The leaves supply a hormone to the fruit that prevents ripening; when the fruit is harvested this cuts off the supply of this inhibiting substance and starts the production of ethylene. That is why the best way to store avocados is to leave them on the tree, sometimes for up to seven or eight months.

Tagged

I’ve been tagged by Ian to do the six weird things meme going around the blogosphere right now. Seeing as I’ve just discovered Ian and like his blog ever so much and want to stay in his good graces so he doesn’t get it into his head to pursue me with a cyber axe and cut off my froggy little cyber legs and eat 'em for dinner*, i'll do it... (Well hell, we've all heard the stories of how everyone on the net is a psycho haven't we??? LOL)

Six weird things isn’t that easy. I’m not really a weird person unfortunately. Unfortunately because weirdness adds a certain oomph to a personality - as long as it's not take to extremes of course. Then it can be a bit, well, icky for want of a more mature word. On the contrary I’m boringly normal – or normally boring, but if I try for quirks rather that out and out weirdness maybe I’ll manage…

1 – As I posted a couple of entries back, I wanted to be an embalmer for the longest time. Just an embalmer, I would want nothing to do with the live ones in pain. The dead ones are so much more congenial. OK, maybe that is weird.

2 – I am incapable of writing weird right the first time. See that took me three tries. It’s not a hard word. I can write unconstitutionally or counterrevolutionary or any number of multi-syllabic words with no problem at all. Weird though… it’s beyond me.

3 – My love of drawing is only surpassed by my incapability to draw. Even my stick men look lopsided. When I play hangman the hangee just wants me to lose quickly so it can die and not have to bee seen looking so horrid. Needless to say, the guy on the left is not my masterpiece. He's much too handsome. I have come to the conclusion that, much as I would love to draw, there is some gene missing somewhere. My sister left nothing for me.

4 – Although I could never be a vegetarian I love veggie burgers. More, much more, than the regular kind. I’m on a quest for the perfect veggie burger. Ma’am Bolduc in Montreal has a really good one, but I have yet to find the perfect veggie burger. Surprisingly, Harvey's has a good one too.

5 – I love bugs and snakes and spiders and other assorted creeply crawlies. Bugs and reptiles are the coolest creatures. My favourite memory of Vietnam was picking up a 10 foot long python. Damn she was beautiful. Pretty much along the lines of that baby at the right...

6 – I had to ask Mr. Jazz for input on this one. He thinks it’s definitely weird (twice before I got it) that I hate coffee because it’s bitter but love hot chocolate made only with cocoa (sugar is nasty in hot chocolate), or (depending on the brand, 'cause some are nasty) eating 99% pure chocolate bars. Bitter, yes, but oh so good.

There. Now I’m supposed to tag six people, but I’m not in the mood to annoy anyone so if you feel up to it, go for it. Wait. I’ll tag my Big Brother 'cause annoying him is my goal in life. Consider yourself tagged BB. Oh and why not Dave? I never annoyed teachers when I was a kid, so today I'm going to annoy the two blogging teachers I know of (insert evil cackle).

* I've always had a vivid and violent imagination. Is that weird (damn, I can never get it right the first time).

A modern take of "Who's on First"

(Disclaimer: Unfortunately I didn't write this and can't credit whoever did, it was sent to me in an email. Whoever the writer is, I bow down before you)

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinkingabout buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to writeproposals, track
expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'msitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with somestraight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

Six Feet Under and Education

I got Mr. Jazz the five seasons of Six Feet Under for Christmas, and we recently started watching them (ok, ok, I sorta got it for me too). I have fallen under the spell. It's a great show.

And it reminded me that for the longest time I wanted to be an embalmer. Yes, seriously. The whole idea of fixing up dead people so they'd "last" was totally fascinating to me - still is actually, even though I think it's sort of pointless and I'll get rid of my own body in a much more expeditious fashion by giving it to a med school for the kids to work on.

I think one of the main reasons I never did go to school to learn the job, was that I was afraid it would scare people off. I never did have the knack of making too many friends, so I could imagine being at a party, someone asks what I do, I answer and they just sorta smile weakly and wander off to chat with a more "normal" person. I was desperate enough back then to not want to be seen as a wierdo, though the shock value of such a job... wow! (insert evil cackle)

So instead I went to university and got a BA in translation - rather than studying medieval history, which I loved with a passion bacause translation was much more sensible if I actualy wanted to be able to eat and have a roof over my head. I came to Montreal to study Germain at McGill and freelanced until I realized just how mind numbingly boring a job it is. And stopped school - not really knowing what the point of another pretty much useless BA would be.

And I ended up working in a jewlery shop and they took me to their office as a secretary and somehow or other I ended up working as a secret... oops Administrative Assistant* in one office or another since.

Moral of the story: Just go ahead and embalm the fuckers.


* A perfect case of giving someone a title so they can actually feel good about their jobs.

A fridge magnet I bought...

I have no illusions about the type of person I am...

The Sex Trivia file – Ha! got your attention didn’t I?

• Everyday, 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at any given moment.


• Women are most likely to want to have sex when they are ovulating


• The Egyptian 'Ankh' actually a symbol representing the male and female sex organs.


• Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world


• 30% of women over the age of 80 still have sexual intercourse either with their spouse or boyfriends. (So there is hope!)


• Mosquitoes, which mate in the air perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. (OK, so that must be really fun…)


• Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a Bachelor's degree.


• Fellatio ranks as the number one sexual act desired by heterosexual men.


• Australian women have sex on the first date more than women the same age in the USA and Canada. (Ah those Aussie hussies!)


• It’s illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada. (Lots of illegal activity going on in that state then)


• Today, Japan leads the world in condom use. Like cosmetics, they're sold door to door, by women. (That is just bizarre…)


• More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month (Gotta love prom season!)


• A man’s penis not only shrinks during cold weather but also from nonsexual excitement like when his favorite football team scores a touchdown, etc. (Bwahahaha)


• Wyoming’s Grand Tetons mountain range literally means “Big Tits” (We French have left are mark all over the place)


• In the original Grimm fairly tale of 'Sleeping Beauty', the Prince rapes her while she sleeps and then leaves before she wakes up. (Good thing the brothers Grimm were prudes, cause the original traditional story - not so much for kids!)


• The word 'gymnasium' comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means to exercise naked, which often was done in ancient Greece.


• White women and those women with a college degree, when asked said they were more receptive to anal sex than women without college educations.


• The word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which is derived from the Aztec word ahuacati which means testicle. (I can’t help but wonder if there’s hidden meaning in the word kiwi)


• The original representation of Cupid by the Greeks was that of a beautiful young boy whose naked form was considered to be the embodiment of sexual love. (Whatever turns you on I guess)


• The first condoms in the US were made from vulcanized rubber in the 1870s. They were expensive and annoyingly thick and meant to be reused. (Ewwwwwwww…)

Just a quickie

From the "why on earth do I do that" and "will i never learn" files:

Why do I buy an agenda every year? I’m always full of good intentions, but already I’ve pretty much stopped using it and it’s only January 25. I’m at the point now where I’m entering appointments retroactively. Based on long experience, this means that within a couple of weeks, a month at most, I’ll have totally stopped using it and will be back to the good old yellow (never blue or pink) post it note method.

I can't decide if I'm pathetic because I don't have enough of a life to need an agenda or brilliant because I can keep it all in my head.

Resolution for 2008: do not buy another agenda.

Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks?