Insightful psychological testing

After reading Choochoo's blog today, and doing the test, I came up as 58% abnormal. It would seem that I'm a psychopath with a borderline personality, no soul and a social phobia. So I figured I'd give posting that a pass. I don't want to scare people away... Then I saw this "blogging type" test.

So not only am I a psychopath with no soul, I am also a brilliant blogger.

Y'all should stick to my blog; meeting me in person might be dangerous.

Your Blogging Type is Confident and Insightful

You've got a ton of brain power, and you leverage it into brilliant blog.Both creative and logical, you come up with amazing ideas and insights.A total perfectionist, you find yourself revising and rewriting posts a lot of the time.You blog for yourself - and you don't care how popular (or unpopular) your blog is!

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Petty Annoyances (road version)

Well hell, and totally off topic, I just realized I've passed the 200 post mark...

• The guy driving in the left lane at 90km/hr. Who refuses to move to the middle lane. 'Cause he likes it in the left lane. The grass is greener and shit. Besides, he's almost at the speed limit, so what's the problem?
• His opposite. The guy who refuses to let you move to the middle lane after passing someone. The guy who, while you're already doing 120 and have your flasher on to move to the centre lane, cuts off the guy in the middle lane and squeezes through to cut you off too, cause damn, he can't wait 3 and a half seconds for you to move. The man is busy, the man is going places, the man is an idiot.
• Tailgaters. I hate when they just sit on your ass. Every time, my foot itches to hit the brakes to teach them a lesson (and probably get myself killed in the process)
• Those people on the highway who throw their cigarettes, coke cans and assorted litter out the window. And people who empty their ashtrays in parking lots. I'd love to shove the crap down their throats. Especially after it has rained a bit and I step into the mess getting out of my car.
• People who talk on cellphones while driving. I know, 99% of cell phone owners do it. It's dangerous, dammit! Just the other day some idiot on a phone just pulled out into traffic and almost sideswiped me. Oh, and there's the time I was crossing the street, minding my own business, contemplating the fact that the little man on the "cross now" light has a really tiny head when an idiot on a cell almost ran me over. And had the gall to yell at me to watch where I was going. Despite the fact that he was RUNNING. A. RED. LIGHT!
• That idiot (I seem to be using that word a lot today) who, despite seeing that there's tons of traffic and he might get stuck in the middle of the street when the light changes, charges ahead anyway. Rather than waiting, even if the light is green, for there to be space to advance into. He's the one who inevitably ends up blocking the street for the rest of us when the light changes.
• People who don't respect pedestrian crossings. For the record though, this seems to be a uniquely Quebec problem. Now, everyone knows if there's a pedestrian on a crossing, you're supposed to stop to let him pass. We all learned that in drivers ed, right? Except, in Quebec, where it is forgotten as soon as it's learned. Along with most other rules of the road, like merging into traffic and stupid stuff like that. A while ago, while I waited in the middle of a crossing, five cars or so went straight through (including a cop car) before someone decided to stop. A car with Ontario plates. The cops could make major money by ticketing those idiots (again with that word). But then they'd have to take a break from that oh so popular Quebec sport: Squoosh the pedestrian.

Monday? Bleh.

I was watching people at the subway entrance today. They looked like nothing so much as busy busy ants zipping along mindlessly, doing what is expected of them.

As I sat down at work, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell I was doing there. I spend my days working in databases, typing reports, fixing PowerPoint presentations that are all screwed up and which, had I done them from the get go, would have gotten done much more efficiently.
And I simply can't see the point anymore. If I ever could.

Most of the time my job's OK for this type of job. I'm well paid, I'm appreciated I don't spend whole days just typing letters. So it's basically the pick of the litter as these things go.

But there is no point.

Back in the days when we wore skins and lived in caves there was a point. You went out to work, killed a mammoths and ate. You didn't kill a mammoth you went hungry. A very clear link between work and result.

What is the point of playing in this stupid database?

I rest my case.

I suppose I could go out and hunt mammoths instead of databases, however, in this early third millennium, I might have a full belly, but it wouldn't pay the mortgage. Giving Mr. Banker a mammoth haunch as a monthly payment wouldn't go over too well, I'm thinking.

What really annoys me though is that I know I have it good. I know many people would love to have my life. Millions upon millions of people in the world don't know where their next meal is coming from and yet I dare complain about my life. My cushy comfortable mediocre life.

It pisses me right the fuck off that I am complacent enough to complain, to gaze at the wonder that is the lint in my navel. I have no right.

Depressed and pissed off about it. Usually when I start getting pissed off at myself I get over myself real quick. Not working this time.

I guess I'll blame the hormones. Gotta blame something.

Political observations of a total nobody

- André Boisclair (the PQ leader) along with one of his candidates has been derided for being gay. Said a radio host in Jonquière, "we don't want a faggot government." The other two leaders, of course, denounced the radio host's behaviour, though I'm sure behind the scenes they were dancing in glee. How, I ask, does the fact that Boisclair is gay impact on his ability to govern (or not)? He would still tax us outrageously, and be the consumate, hypocritical, teflon politician.


- He has also been called out - again, and how sick are we of hearing about it? - about those wild days when he was taking cocaine... Um, like the others haven't partied? How about all those who drink like fish? Speaking of which, do fish drink? Like do they just stop and swallow some of that water? But I digress, non?

- An AD (Action Démocratique) candidate is quoted as saying at one point on his internet radio show, "Enough with women's rights already. How about some rights for men?" Screams and gasps of horror from the other parties (and Mario Dumont, the party leader - him to the right there).

- A PQ candidate has denied the Rwandan genocide. More gasps of horror; poor Boisclair.

- Jean Charest (the Liberal leader) has had to issue statements correcting his candidates statements - as well as his own. Idjit

Oh, and for the record, I deserve kudos for not posting pics that make them look like complete idiots. 'Cause I'm nice like that. And they heap enough ridicule on themselves with no help from me.

None of the leaders are talking about their platforms, they're too busy pointing fingers at the other guy. 'Cause mudracking? Ever so much more fun. Ever so much easier.

This campaign sunk to new levels rather quickly. And these yahoos want my vote? I should give these people the permission to govern me for the next four years?

I'm guessing I'll just vote for the Marxist-Leninist. That way I'll be doing a good deed, he'll get three votes, himself, his mom (if he's lucky) and me.


Besides, in my riding you could present a stapler for the Libs and it would get the votes. Lots of fat rich people in my riding. Traditional Libs.

Cynical? Me? God, how depressing.


Let me trudge away now to contemplate the stupidity of modern society. But that's ok, I don't exist anyway!

Crises and such

Hello, you have reached Jazz, I can't come to the blog right now, as I'm busy having a neverending winter existential crisis.

Please leave your message after the tone.


Beeeeeep

I had a dream...

And it wasn't a Martin Luther King dream.

It was really quite bizarre. We were at the cottage, so was a Montreal radio shrink Doc Mailloux.

Except he had two legs - this guy is missing a leg - and had trimmed the ZZTop beard. I mean really, could this guy be anything but a shrink with a look like that?

And he kept hobbling after me wanting me to tell him all about my issues.

I kept telling him I had none. Or at any rate none that I wanted to talk to him about. There is no way that I'm going to tell a radio audience my problems and issues. He wouldn't believe it and kept pursuing me all over the house. If I had a drink: "Why are you hiding behind that martini?" If I ate "Why are you eating your emotions?" I wanted to slap him, but he would've said, "Why are you passing off your aggression on me?"

I woke up, shuddered, walked around a bit and when I came back to bed I promptly fell right back into my dream.

Creepy dream. Creepy character.

I hate when I wake up and then go back to sleep and the dream just continues. Happens several times a year.

But never when it's a dream I want to keep on dreaming. When I wake up from dreaming Ralph Fiennes is propositioning me, how come I can never get that dream back?

Sex Trivia Take 2

My head is empty these days, so here's more cutting and pasting. And so I watch the snowstorm outside my window and think of turkeys and giraffes....

• Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex than high school dropouts. (Amazing what one learns in college).
• About 1% of the adult female population are able to achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation. (Wow - easy to please...)
• 14% of males said that they did not enjoy sex the first time.
• 60% of women say they did not enjoy sex their first time.
• The Romans would crush a first time rapist’s gonads between two stones. (That would have quite the dissuasive effect)
• It’s illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.
• In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth. (But it's open season on car drivers)
• In Fairbanks, Alaska it’s illegal for moose to have sex on the city sidewalks. (How is this enforced? I wouldn't go up to a rutting moose and try to persuade him to go elsewhere... )
• In Florida having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Um... Ouch! )
• According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear.
• When Viagra became available, operators of Nevada brothels reported that business "shot up" about 20 percent.
• Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
• Up until 1884, a Victorian-era woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.
• During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you’d be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime. (Poor animal!That would have been a cause for PETA)
• The sperm of a mouse is longer than the sperm of an elephant.
• A "Dork' is a whale's penis. Whales, as you might imagine, have the world's largest penises. The blue whale is the champ, due to his size, with a ten foot long member that is one foot in diameter. (But teeny sperm)
• Minks have intercourse that lasts an average of eight hours.
• The chimpanzee holds the record for the quickest mammal sexual intercourse session at an average of three seconds. (They should get lessons from minks)
• Most turkeys and giraffes are bisexual.
• An adult gorilla's penis is only two inches long. (So much for the "hung like a gorilla" myth)
• Humans, fish and porpoises share a common sexual practice -- fellatio

How I wish I had written this

And if it isn't a real letter, it should be, 'cause indeed, that slogan - and the whole advertising campaign - is whacked. Had Always been my brand of choice I would've stopped using it.


Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager
Procter & Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher:

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in right, white shorts. By my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought “Grey's Anatomy” was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period". Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing “happiness” - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just “have” to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.

And that's a promise I will keep... Always.

Best regards,

Just sayin'

Technology adds nothing to art. Two thousand years ago, I could tell you a story, and at any point during the story I could stop, and ask, Now do you want the hero to be kidnapped, or not? But that would, of course, have ruined the story. Part of the experience of being entertained is sitting back and plugging into someone else's vision.

Penn Jillette,
Interview in WIRED magazine, 1993
US magician & showman (1955 - )

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And this little You Tube gem. I really have to figure out how to actually post a video. But I'm too lazy. If anyone feels like teaching me in however many easy steps, feel free. Either comment, or if it's too long, email me.

Edited to add: Thanks Too Lively! I will go to bed tonight, if not a little more intelligent at least a little less dumb.

Monday Stuff

Elections in a month in Quebec. More and more rumours of an upcoming federal election too. What’s a political atheist to do?

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This morning on my way to the bus, I felt a smidge-of-a-tinge-of-a-possible-potential-perhaps-if-we’re-really-phenomenally-lucky-in-the-far-future-spring-might-actually-decide-to-try-and-show-the-edge-of-its-nose in the air. YAY!

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know I’ve mentioned it before, but what is this need of men to spread their legs when they sit? Especially on the bus. What! Does your equipment need to breathe? I think not. You are not alone in that seat, deal with it. Or I might have to amputate said equipment.

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Strange experience over the weekend. I saw an ex who I hadn’t seen in about 10 years. It was a cathartic experience because instead of the resentment I usually feel*, on seeing that he hasn’t changed a bit a wave of indifference (tinged with a bit of pity for him, go figure) washed over me. Then a wave of relief that I got out, because I shudder to think of the type of person I would have become if I hadn’t traded him in for Mr. Jazz.



* Yeah, I know, it’s been over 20 years. So, despite my usual grudglessness** I’ve held onto one grudge in my life… Sue me!

** I can honestly say that this is the only grudge I’ve had for any length of time. I usually just don’t have the energy to hang on to these things. In his case I made an exception. If you knew him, you’d understand why.

So, would you rather*

1. Be famous now and forgotten after you die or forgotten now and famous after you die, forever? Why?

I’m not much for fame. I don’t much like the thought of being well known or recognized. When I look at all the harassment famous people deal with it just doesn’t seem worth it to me. Who wants to be photographed eating a Big Mac? So, after I die I suppose. However, I think I could deal with the fame thing if it was cushioned in oodles (and oodles) of money. 'Cause like my mom says, money might not by happiness, but is makes misery a helluva lot more comfortable.

2. Give blood or read Hamlet? Why?

To my everlasting shame, I have never given blood. I don’t really know why. It’s not the needles, it’s not the concept, it’s pure laziness, nothing more. And I’ve read Hamlet more than once. How about I give blood while reading Hamlet? That way I kill two birds with one stone. Not that I'm into killing birds. As we will see in subsequent questions, birds are not my preferred thing to kill.

And does this question imply that reading Hamlet is a huge chore?

3. Be extravagantly rich, but hated by others or be well loved and admired, but dirt poor? Why?

Ok, this one sucks. How about lower middle class? It would drive me nuts to have everyone hate me, though I suppose I could pay people to be my friends if I were that rich. That’s an idea! But then, I’m smart enough to know they wouldn’t like me… But I don’t wanna be dirt poor!!! How’m I gonna pay the bills?!? Ok, then, poor and loved. Maybe I could marry someone marginally richer. Or get a sugar daddy. But would that make people love and admire me less? The dilemma, oh God, the dilemma!

4. Be imprisoned for the rest of your life or kill someone? Why?

Kill someone. No contest. I know what a life sentence feels like, I work in an office. I get to decide who to kill though. So there. I’m answering these questions, I get to decide. Yeah, kill people. I wanna be Jack Bauer, I wanna kick 'em around some before I kill them. OK?

5. Fight Mike Tyson or talk like him? Why?

Whoa! Are you telling me I could never speak a coherent sentence again? Well between that and being beaten to death I guess I’ll have to do the speech thing. As long as I could write a coherent sentence. If I couldn't being beaten to death seems like a reasonable alternative.

As an aside, did you know that Mike Tyson is a pigeon aficionado? I’m not sure whether his thing is racing pigeons or purebred fancy pigeons**, but somehow, his love for birds makes him seem a bit more, well, human... ish. Marginally. Very marginally.

Bonus (as in optional): Whom would you kill if you were guaranteed to get away with it?

Guaranteed? Does it have to be just one? I’d be tempted to say Dubbya, but making him a martyr might not be the best idea. There are a few people I could think of, but honestly, I don’t have the energy to hate people enough to want to kill them. The office village idiot might be a candidate though.

Have a good weekend all!

* Appropriate thanks must be heaped upon Ian, who with this meme has ended today's Quest for a Friday blog. I won't tag anyone, but please feel free to do it. It'd be interesting to see who's a nice person and who is as shallow as me. LOL

** And I just read a book on pigeons, and they are really amazing birds. And the winged rat thing? Nope. They carry no more disease than any other bird plus they are less susceptible to West Nile virus than most other birds. And, for the record, there are no documented cases of pigeons passing on nasty illnesses to humans. Just doing my bit to rehabilitate the pigeons. 'Cause me and birds? The Jazzer lurrrves 'em. Oh, and the book? Pigeons: The Fascinating Saga of the Worlds Most Revered and Reviled Bird, by Andew D. Blechman. OK, I'll shut up now, this is becoming a tad too ranty. I might just have to go out and kill you all.

Food Fair Vignettes

Ventilation problems again. There’s a very slight smokiness in the air from the Thai place with their numerous woks.

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Four men in their late 40s, early 50s. Business suits, white shirts. They sit discussing yesterday’s hockey game. Habs vs…who the hell knows. Dissecting the game, analysing every play. Deciding where the coach went wrong, what the players should or shouldn’t have done. Everyone’s an expert.

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A woman with a toddler. The kid starts wandering around, pulls a tray off a table. The woman starts yelling at the person sitting at the table that he should be more careful of his tray. What the fuck?

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A 30-something reading War and Peace. Part of a New Years this-year-I’m-going-to-read-at-leat-10-classics resolution?

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A gaggle of teenage girls. They remind me of chattering squirrels. They go on and on and on. It just never stops. I marvel that I was once a teenage girl. Though I never travelled in a pack. I was the one skulking on the outskirts. I find it hard to fathom that for some people, the teenage years are the best years of their lives. I found them godawful and couldn’t get out of them quickly enough. And they chatter on…

Today is Mr. Jazz's birthday

So here are 10 of the multitude of reasons I love him....

1. He makes me laugh every day
2. He's a wonderfully kind man, to humans and animals alike
3. He cooks for me - last night's enchiladas? Di-freaking-vine!
4. He's great in bed (Caro, if you're reading this, i did not say sex, I know we're too old for that... he's great at.... um.... lying down in a bed)
5. He's a 24 junkie too
6. He tolerates my bad moods - maybe not with a smile, but still, with extreme tolerance
7. He gives me my space and the time alone I need
8. He taught me how to travel
9. He makes a kick-ass Margarita and Cosmo
10. He loves me and accepts me just the way I am.

I love you Sweets, you're my one and only.

Disclaimer: mushiness was induced by early morning posting. It will stay as rare as "de la merde de pape" (a common French expression translating as Rare as pope shit). No mushiness habit will take hold in the Haphazard Life blog.

You know it's gonna be a long week....

... when you wake up Monday morning with a tension headache.

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From Em's Blog, another great word (as well as a really interesting post):

Scrotum.

Words...

I have a thing for words. I collect words like some people collect stamps. I love words. I love everything about them. Their power to hurt or soothe, the ways they can be combined, the emotions they can evoke...

There are some words in particular though... sometimes its how they look written down, sometimes it's how they sound, the way they roll off your tongue - or not.

There are the downright funny looking words and those that just sound strange, there are those totally ordinary words that for some reason strike me as funny, words that make me happy just looking at them.

And there are the downright bizarre.

Here are a few of mine, in alphabetical order no less, which for a Friday is a major accomplishment.


Abominable
Bamboozle
Borborygmus (I find it seriously difficult to say this with a straight face)
Curmudgeon
Curtain (seriously, say it several times, it's a weird word)
Dastardly
Dicker
Didgeridoo
Discombobulate
Douppioni (sounds like some sort of italian clown, but it's a type of silk thread - go figure)
Flabbergasted
Flaccid (that just so sounds like what it is)
Flummoxed
Gerbil
Haberdasher
Haggle
Hirsute
Kerfuffle
Onomatopoeia
Rambuctious
Sashay
Serendipity
Shuttlecock
Spaniel
Spoonerism
Turtle

And there's the ever popular: Floccinaucinihipilification - which means (oh the irony): an act or instance of judging something to be worthless or trivial (sorta like that word, eh? Seriously, who would ever say that? Who can even pronounce it?)



Be nice to me, tell me some of yours, 'cause I'm always eager to add to my list...

Edited to add:

From Jocelyn – Boondoggle / Zwieback
From Tai – Repudiate / Reticent
From Algelic – rêve (it's french for "dream") / unmei (japanese for "destiny") / sarange (korean for "love") / alegria (portuguese for "joy") / corazon (spanish for "heart")
From Gnightgirl – Adidas / Rural
From Hagletoast – Masticate, Plangent
From Big Brother – Masticate
From Dan – Onomotapeia
From Ian – Masticate (Mastication) / tintinnabulation
From Spider Girl – Miscellany
From Choo Choo – Being Choochoo she makes up her own…

So it would seem Masticate is a clear winner with Onomatopoeia as our runner up...