Correspondence

Dear Blogger:

Why did you eat yesterday's post? Why do you hate me so? Or alternatively, have I become such a spaz that I'm incapable of posting a simple diatribe?

Don't answer that.

Confusedly,

Jazz

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Dear City of Montreal,

I've been puzzling over this issue for the past couple of weeks. Why did you lay down speed bumps in the alley?

As long as the alley is as busted up as it is, there is really no point. You can't drive over 10km/hr in that alley without actually taking the bottom out of your car. It's quicker to saunter through that alley than to drive it.

Yesterday I watched a car go over a speedbump and fall into a pothole the size of an ostritch nest on the other side.

You are wasting my tax dollars.

You are idiots.

Bumpily,

Jazz

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Dear Fashion Magazines,

It's the end of June. Why is it that last week I received the AUGUST issue of your magazine?

I have finally been able to start wearing my summer clothes in the past month and you are showing me clothes for the fall.

I don't want to look at autumn/winter clothes. I don't care who the designer is, it's utterly ridiculous to be trying to sell me fall clothes right now.

I! DON'T! WANT! THEM!

And seriously, nor does anyone I know.

I know you did this issue six months ago, and as such, are perhaps a little disconnected from reality, but maybe you should try to plug into it sometime.

You are idiots too.

Sartorially,

Jazz

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Dear Turkish Soccer Team,

I SOOOOOOOOOOO wanted you to win. But you put up a brillant fight for a team that wasn't supposed to make it out of the first round.

Thank you for some positiviely brilliant soccer games,

Sadly,

Jazz

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Dear German Soccer Team,

I hope you lose the final. Seriously.

Revengefully

Jazz

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Remember Bob Ross...

.... and his weird "the drugs are good" painting show on PBS?

Here's a Bob Ross-y painting like you've never seen it before.

Sexy or Sexist?

As Media Circus says, "Anyone can make sexist ads but it takes a certain amount of focus, greed and sheer insensitivity to make ads like the ones below".

This link brings you to the "best" sexist ads in the world as compiled by Media Circus

The mind... it boggles

This is utterly unconscionable. Stevie Harper and his minions ride again. How dare they! Harper seems to be taking a page from his mentor Dubbya's book.

Because it seems it's much cheaper safer than to actually build containment ponds.

Not that any other government would be better, probably. Bottom line - it's so much cheaper for big business to kill a lake than take their responsibilities.

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Meanwhile in Montreal, St. Catherine street between Bleury and Papineau (i.e. the gay village) will be pedestrian only during the summer.

And the president of the commercial association has sold exclusive rights to all alcohol served on the terrasses to Labatt, as set out here (sorry it's in French only). So it would seem the only available alholic beverages will be Bud Light and Stella Artois.

And each restaurant/bar is obliged to buy x cases of the beer. Even Kilo, which sells cakes and sandwiches.

Smacks of totalitarianism to me.

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In the news

Several months ago, I did a post on the dangers the dangers surrounding us at every turn. Baby bottles (among so many other things) were declared toxic.

Well, something much worse, has happened now. Your shower curtain might be killing you. Thankfully, some people were level headed enough to call the news item fear mongering.

I can't help but think the study was probably sponsored by glass shower door manufacturers. Or something.

I can't help but think toxicity is the norm in today's society. We'd probably suffer from huge withdrawal if we didn't have our toxins.

It's Fiday. Play.

Here's a cool little game, it's a collage machine. Just click and drag. C'mon, let your creative side out on this Friday 13th.

It'll give you something fun to do while waiting for Freddy* to come get you.



* Or is that Jason? Chucky? I can never remember the "heros" of these horror/slasher movies.

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Petty Annoyances, of the littering kind

For the past few years the Montreal subway has had two free papers: The Metro and 24 Hours. That doesn't annoy me, although perhaps their ridiculous "news coverage" would if I actually read them, but I don't so I won't even comment on that.

The Transit Commission installed covered recycling bins for the papers, since people were putting them in the open trash bins (or dumping them on the ground if they were total wankers) and when the subway wooshed in, paper flew. Everywhere. So kudos to the Transit Commission.

However, now that you have the handy closed bins, you still have all these morons who dump their paper in/beside the trash bin when the recycling bin is about 10 inches to the side. What the hell is wrong with these people? Are they blind? Congenital idiots?

How hard is it to use the recycling bin rather than thow the damn stupid news-coverageless-paper on the floor of the subway car or on top of an overflowing rubbish bin?

People are idiots. As ChooChoo regularly points out to me, people are stupid.

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There's a cool supermarket, Les 5 saisons (the 5 seasons) near the office that has a salad/hot meal bar as well as a good deli counter. It's a great place to pick up a freshly cooked meal for lunch.

As a huge added advantage, as soon as the weather gets nice, they set up tables (with parasols no less) outside so people can eat on the premises. With garbage cans all around. How great is that?

And so the people sit. And eat. And oops, along comes a breeze that picks up that leftover napkin, or that empty styrofoam coffee cup.

And they keep sitting there. (You see where this is going don't you?)

And the napkin/cup blows to the ground.

And there they sit. Not making the slightest move to pick up their junk! And it drives me insane because it's not that freaking hard to bend down and PICK! UP! YOUR! DAMN! TRASH! YOU! PIGS!*

What the hell is wrong with these people?

Personally, if I were the store owner, I'd take the tables away. But he's obviously nicer than me.

* My most humble aplogies to all pigs for the insult, but the cliché was so easy to use, plus it would have lost a lot of emphasis if I had yelled YOU! HUMANS!

Of women and politics

There's been a lot of hoopla recently regarding the Obama/Clinton thing. There was even some talk about how some how would vote for her simply because she is a woman (c.f. Rachel's post here) - which, feminist though I am, is probably the most idiotic thing I've heard in a long time - or because she had already been in the White House, which doesn't mean (at least to me) that she is the better person for the job.

This however is not the point of my post. However, it got me thinking of women heads of state.

Have you ever noticed that a lot of the countries who have had female heads of state are not known for their progressive view of women? For instance right now women are governing Chile, Mozambique, Liberia, the Philippines and Bangladesh, to name a few.

And when you look at past heads of state, these countries, again, are over represented when compared to the G8 for instance.

In North America? Kim Campbell in Canada for about 3.5 minutes.

I can't help but find it ironic how North Americans claim they are for women's equality, but in fact, we are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy benhind the rest of the world on this particular aspect of the issue.

Is it because there are no competent female politicians in Canada and the US? Or at any rate many less than in Africa and South America for instance? I highly doubt it. It seems developing countries are simply much more open minded than we are in this regard.

Why is North America unwilling (or unable) to elect a female Prime Minister in Canada or President in the US? What do you think?

(This list is something I got off the internet, there might be errors in it, isn't there a woman also in Argentina?)

Present female heads of state:

· Mary McAleese, President of Ireland (1997- )
· Vaira Vike-Freiberga, President of Latvia (1999- )
· Helen Clark, Prime Minister of New Zealand (1999- )
· Tarja K. Halonen, President of Finland (2000- )
· Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, President of the Philippines (2001- )
· Khaleda Zia, Prime Minister of Bangladesh (1991-1996, 2001- )
· Luisa Diogo, Prime Minister of Mozambique (2004- )
· Maria do Carmo Silveira, Prime Minister of Sao Tome and Principe (2005- )
· Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany (2005- )
· Michelle Bachelet, President of Chile (2006- )
· Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, President of Liberia (2006- )
· Portia Simpson-Miller, Prime Minister of Jamaica (2006- )

Previous women heads of state or government:

Africa

· Elisabeth Domitien, Prime Minister of Central African Empire (1975-1976)
· Agathe Uwilingiyimana, Prime Minister of Rwanda (1993)
· Silvie Kinigi, Interim President of Burundi (1993-1994)
· Ruth Perry, Chairman of State Council, Liberia (1996-1997)
· Madior Boye, Prime Minister of Senegal (2001-2002)
· Maria das Neves, Prime Minister of Sao Tome & Principe (2002-2004)

Americas

· Isabel Peron, President of Argentina (1974-1976)
· Lucinda da Costa Gomez-Mattheeuws, Prime Minister of Netherlands Antilles (1977)
· Lidia Gueilier, Caretaker President of Bolivia (1979-1980)
· Eugenia Charles, Prime Minister of Dominica (1980-1995)
· Maria Liberia Peters, Prime Minister of the Netherlands Antilles (1984-1986, 1988-1994)
· Ertha Pascal-Trullot, Acting President of Haiti (1990-1991)
· Violeta de Chamorro, President of Nicaragua (1990-1996)
· Kim Campbell, Prime Minister of Canada (1993)
· Claudette Werleigh, Prime Minister of Haiti (1995-1996)
· Rosalia Arteaga, Caretaker President of Ecuador (1997)
· Pamela Gordon, Premier of Bermuda (1997-1998)
· Janet Jagan, President of Guyana (1997-1999)
· Suzanne Romer, Prime Minister of Netherlands Antilles (1993, 1998-1999)
· Jennifer Smith, Premier of Bermuda (1998-2003)
· Mireya Moscoso, President of Panama (1999-2004)
· Beatriz Merino, Prime Minister of Peru (2003)

Asia-Pacific

· Sirimavo Bandaranaike, Prime Minister of Sri Lanka (1960-1965, 1970-1977, 1994-2000)
· Indira Gandhi, Prime Minister of India (1966-77, 1980-1984)
· Golda Meir, Prime Minister of Israel (1969-1974)
· Corazon Aquino, President of Philippines (1986-1992)
· Benazir Bhutto, Prime Minister of Pakistan (1988-1990, 1993-1996)
· Khaleda Zia, Prime Minister of Bangladesh (1991-1996, 2001-)
· Tansu Ciller, Prime Minister of Turkey (1993-1996)
· Chandrika Kumaratunga, President of Sri Lanka (1994-2005)
· Sheikh Hasina Wajed, Prime Minister of Bangladesh (1996-2001)
· Jenny Shipley, Prime Minister of New Zealand (1997-1999)
· Nyam-Osoriyn Tuyaa, Interim Prime Minister of Mongolia (1999)
· Megawati Sukarnoputri, President of Indonesia (2001-2004)
· Chang Sang, Acting Prime Minister of South Korea (2002)

Europe

· Maria de Lourdes Pintassilgo, Prime Minister of Portugal (1979-1980)
· Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister of Great Britain (1979-1990)
· Vigdis Finnbogadottir, President of Iceland (1980-1996)
· Gro Harlem Brundtland, Prime Minister of Norway (1981, 1986-1989, 1990-1996)
· Maria Pedini-Angelini, Captain-Regent of San Marino (1981)
· Milka Planinc, Prime Minister of Yugoslavia (1982-1986)
· Agatha Barbara, President of Malta (1982-1987)
· Gloriana Rannocchini, Captain-Regent of San Marino (1984, 1989-1990)
· Kazimira Prunskiene, Prime Minister of Lithuania (1990-1991)
· Sabine Bergmann-Pohl, State President of German Democratic Republic (1990)
· Mary Robinson, President of Ireland (1990-1997)
· Edda Ceccoli, Captain-Regent of San Marino (1991-1992)
· Edith Cresson, Prime Minister of France (1991-1992)
· Hanna Suchocka, Prime Minister of Poland (1992-1993)
· Patricia Busigani, Captain-Regent of San Marino (1993)
· Marita Petersen, Prime Minister of Faroe Islands (1993-1994)
· Renata Indzhova, Interim Prime Minister of Bulgaria (1994-1995)
· Biljana Plavsic, President of Republika Srpska (Bosnia-Hercegovina) (1996-1998)
· Ruth Dreifuss, President of Switzerland (1998-1999)
· Rosa Zafferani, Captain-Regent of San Marino (1999)
· Irena Degutiene, Acting Prime Minister of Lithuania (1999)
· Mireya Moscoso, President of Panama (1999-2003)
· Maria Domenica Michelotti, Captain-Regent of San Marino (2000)
· Natasa Micic, Acting President of Serbia (2002-2003)
· Annelli Jaatteenmaaki, Prime Minister of Finland (2003)
· Nino Burzhanadze, Acting President of Georgia (2003)
· Yulia Timoshenko, Prime Minister of Ukraine (2005)

Google is strange. Truly it is.

I love the ads/links that pop up in the sidebar of gmail, and which are apparently geared to what you are talking about.

I've been having a gmail exchange with a friend today and I just noticed the ad subjects:

- Luxury beach rentals
- Stephen Harper, a good PM? 1 minute poll
- Chic Mommy blog
- Be the woman men love

Beach rentals, I understand, we did talk beach.

The others, however are much more mysterious. I think the word politics did slip into the email exchange, but how they got mommy blogging and being the woman men love out of this defeats my imaginative powers.

Sometimes I wonder about Google...

Spring Cleaning

Edited to add: Damn, I loathe this template too.


I thought it might be time to clean up my blogroll, add the blogs I check out, delete those that haven't been updated in months, that sort of thing.*

I figured I should change my template, because I've been bored to death with the one I had for ages now.

I changed. I tweaked. I'm still damn bored.

What is it with blogger and its templates? Why so boring? Do none of the blogger template meisters have any imagination?

If not what are they doing there?

How do I go about finding something cool?

How do I load it without losing my blog?

Remember, we're talking someone who doesn't even have a microwave, so changing a template could be very hazardous business.

So many questions.

So few answers.

It's tough being me.

* And this morning, after the cleanup, I see they have a new thing called a "Blog List"... They do this to me on purpose you know.

Ridiculous things

Since June 1, stores in Quebec have been obliged to hide their cigarettes behind screens or under the counter. The government, in its infinite wisdom has decided that this is the best way to stop people from smoking. I suppose the reasoning is that if customers can't actually see the cigarettes, they'll not think of smoking because the government thinks smokers have the attention span of a squirrel on crack. Or something.

I imagine the this probably mostly targets kids. The idea being, of course that if they don't actually see the cigarettes, they'll not think of starting to smoke because obviously they have the attention span of a squirrel on crack. Or something.

I guess the government never heard of this thing called peer pressure. Because peer pressure doesn't apply when it comes to cigarettes. Does it?

Simply another great example of pretending to do something with great pomp and circumstance, while actually changing nothing at all. If the government is really serious about stopping smoking, they should make selling tobacco products illegal. 'Cept what would they do without all those taxes? The hypocrisy of the whole situation is galling. With all the money the govenment makes off smoking, they don't want smokers to actually stop. So why pretend?

Lottery tickets and booze are still in full view though. No crusade against alcoholism and gambling, those other two coffer filling addictions. If you must hide cigarettes, logically booze and the lottery should follow, shouldn't they? You don't want people smoking, but you don't mind them drinking themselves to death or gambling away the house?

The only people penalized in this whole production number are the owners of indeptendent corner stores who have to pay for the "masks" out of their own pockets.

And for the record, I'm a non-smoker who applauded when smoking was banned in bars - I guess I was thrilled I could go drink myself to death without dying of an asthma attack first.

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June's O Magazine features the title: We are starting a beauty revolution! (Say bye bye to feeling bad about your body).

All this with a picture of Oprah photshopped to thinness and perfection.

C'mon Oprah, how hypocritical is that? If you're starting a beauty revolution of acceptance of self, maybe you should start with putting yourself on your cover in all your zaftig glory, eh?

Sorry about the picture, I couldn't find anything better online and I wasn't about to buy the magazine so I could scan the cover.

There are limits to how far I'll go for a post. Getting mauled by a housecat is pretty much my limit. Oprah is nowhere on the list.

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Front page news in the Journal de Montréal a couple of days ago: We will have a fabulous summer!

A bit of context perhaps? Last fall, some meteorological guru predicted a hard winter (withtout saying whether it would be hard because it was cold or because of the snow). Pretty easy prediction if you ask me, you're in QUEBEC for chrissake. D'uh!

So now, he's back, and predicting a great summer, maybe the best of the century (um... it's only 2008 - there's a lot of century to go yet).

So far, I don't really have a problem with that. Go ahead and predict whatever you want, we all know they have trouble predicting the weather 48 hours in advance, so months... well, whatever. We'll get the weather we get and... and nothing actually. We'll get the weather we get. Period.

What I find really incredibly dumb is that this became Front. Page. News.

How is this news? How? With everything going on in the world, you're telling me this is the best you can do, Journal de Montréal?

Yes, the Journal is known for its "tabloidity", but this seems like a stretch even for them...

Damn, the stupidity I have to put up with... The mind? It boggles.

Be Careful What You Name Your Cat

For the past couple of weeks, Mr. Jazz and I babysat a couple of cats. I'm always thrilled when that happens because I really miss having pets.

One was an overweight black girl, a little nervous at first, but she eventually settled in nicely, coming to us for purring and petting fests, ready to do anything for food (the girl, she ain’t pudgy for no reason). She was really quite cute.

Then there was the boy cat - a lovely caramel tabby. He’s several years younger and quite.. um… neurotic. It took him a week to actually come out from under the bathtub when we were around. We have a clawfoot tub, but honestly, I’m sure he would have found a way to slide under the there even if it had been directly on the floor.

You took one step towards this guy and off he’d run until he was safe in his little corner under the tub, right there under the taps. Safe from all the big bad humans. Safe from everything except the tub collapsing on his head - good thing he didn't think of that possibility.

Safe! From me! The original crazy ass cat lady. Ah well, his loss I guess… Apparently he has these tendencies even with his mistress. Go figure.

One fine day Cat Mistress came to our place to pick up her felines. We figured we should start with Mr. Neurotic, so we chased him down, caught him and tried to wrestle him into his cage. Tried being the operative word. The results weren't too conclusive since he started screaming as though he was being flayed alive, twisting and scratching until he got away. Ever tried keeping hold of a cat who has decided he is not staying with you?

Which is when all hell broke loose – ‘cause until then it was just a case of a cat who didn’t want to go into his carrier.

We experienced the attack of the psycho killer cat first hand; that big black love of a cat decided to protect the little guy I suppose, even though she'd pretty much ignored him all week... Maybe she understood that if he was indeed being torn limb from limb, flayed alive and eaten as a snack by us trolls, his food would no longer be available to her. Of course! She was protecting her secondary food source. Never mind the boy.

She started out by biting Mr. Jazz on the ass. He was wearing jeans so he was no worse for wear. Then she went after my finger. This all happened in the space of probably 20 or so seconds.

I went to the kitchen to rinse the blood off and as I was doing so, she stalked in, looked at me evilly, screeched, jumped on my thigh and bit down. Hard. Ever tried getting rid of a cat who has decided to hold the hell on? Not so easy.

It was insane it was. Here I am in the kitchen with my finger under the tap and huge howling ball of black fur hanging off my leg. With. Her. Teeth! She was more than willing to eat me alive - perhaps she felt I hadn't fed her enough while she was visiting. I can only thank my lucky stars she was declawed when Cat Mistress adopted her - maybe that's why she's pissed off.

Psycho Killer Cat contemplating having me for dinner **

How can a cat scream and bite at the same time? It's a mystery I don't much want to discover the answer to.

Profuse apologies followed – poor Cat Mistress, it really wasn’t her fault, and until then the cat had been great.

It was totally surreal as experiences go. The most I’ve ever seen from a cat is taking a swipe and running away. And I would never have expected it from her, she was such a, well... “pussycat” all week. I’ll never see that particular word in the same light again.

I guess that’s what happens when you name a cat Tiger, eventually it feels the need to live up to its name.

** In a very Hannibal Lecter sort of way

Picture from: http://www.swilliamshaw.com/

How do I hate Bell Canada? Let me count the ways…

These past few days I’ve been pretty much incommunicado. Our internet/email system was down at work. Despite Ma Bell’s contention, the problem wasn’t us. They finally had to admit they were the problem. Surprise surprise

Amazing how annoying it’s become to have to resort to prehistoric 20^th century methods of communication like the fax and phone.

Amazing how quickly we come to depend on technology, and how frustrated we are when we don’t have it.

Amazing how much time we waste in a day answering pointless emails.

Amazing how, when the problem is found and the techie calls Bell they refuse to do the easy fix because it’s not “procedure”. We are temporarily “fixed” and hoping it doesn’t go down again until they find a really complicated way of fixing the problem that doesn’t entail us losing access for at least a week – ‘cause this is a BUSINESS fer chrissake!

How close are we to dumping Bell and going elsewhere? Yeah, about thiiiiiiiiis close.

The whole situation is completely surreal.

Quebec vs. Montreal

In his latest post BB wrote about how he loves going back to Quebec city, how he feels he has deep roots there.

Neither of us were born there, but our family (on both sides) hails from Quebec city for generations. So yeah, there are roots I suppose.

But unlike BB, I feel the exact opposite. Don't get me wrong, Quebec is a nice place to visit, but I would never want to live there again.

I've never felt comfortable there. I always felt just a little off, not quite in the groove of the place. As though the track is right there and try as I might I'm always six inches out of it.

And despite BB's contention, it's not because I'm into the nightlife - I got over that, like many people do, in my 30s. And I don't prefer Montreal because of Mr. Jazz - I didn't like Quebec way before Mr. Jazz ever entered the picture.

I don't know what it is about Quebec that grates on me. The fact that, other than the old town - approximately 5 square km - it's one big sprawling suburb where everything has a sort of cookie cutter sameness about it? That's definitely part of it. The fact that I've never felt I fit in? Also part of it. The francophone whiteness of Quebec city also doesn't do it for me (of course, the all white all french thing is pretty much par for the course everywhere in Quebec outside of Montreal).

Whatever it is, no roots there for me, or at any rate, roots that were very easily pulled out.

When I got to Montreal, on the other hand, I felt at home right away. Montreal has an energy that Quebec simply does not. It has a huge diverisity of people and styles and cultures. It was an easy fit for me, there is no set path. When I set foot on the corner of Maisonneuve and Peel I knew I had found my place, that this is where I was meant to be. I never looked back, never missed Quebec, and honestly pretty much the only reason I ever go back is to see my sister and mother. I'd perhaps go once every few years to play tourist, but no more. It holds nothing for me, it doesn't draw me. At all. Contrary to Montreal.

In the past 25 years, I've put down my own roots here, I've found the love of my life, and made a life for myself that I'm not at all sure I could have found in Quebec. When I'm on the highway, on my way back from Quebec, I'm coming home. It's as visceral and BB's feeling for Quebec, and for a city that, unlike me, he's never really warmed up to.

Funny that, same family, same roots and such a different take on two perfectly neutral places.

Dear young woman on the bus

I couldn't help but overhear you saying to your friend that your boyfriend is obviously laughing at you when he says he doesn't think you're fat - and for the record, he's right. You obviously have body image issues you need to deal with. But then we all wasted tons of time at your age on body issues....

That, however is not the point of this missive.

Thing is, your boyfriend? He really doesn't think you're fat. Even if you were 30 lbs overweight he wouldn't think you're fat. He'd would (and does) think you're hot.

There's a thing you gotta understand about men. They're simple creatures, they are. Your extra weight doesn't even register on his radar because he's in the same room with A. NAKED. WOMAN! He's so thrilled about that little fact that a "poofy" stomach or a "fat" ass isn't an issue in any way shape or form. All men are still 13 somewhere inside (especially if he's your age, somewhere around 25). They long for the day when they'll have a flesh and blood naked woman to play with, rather than a centerfold in their dad's Playboy. Real flesh is so much better than paper flesh, and they are forever grateful they have access to it.

So relax, he thinks your hot. Accept your body - it makes sex ever so much better if you don't have to worry about it. Don't waste the next 10 or 15 years beating yourself up over your body; try to learn that lesson more quickly.

Besides, one word: Gravity.

Whatever your "problem" is, it'll only get worse, better enjoy your body now. It's quite ironic that we begin to love ourselves only once gravity hits. Women? Not simple creatures...

Wisely,

Jazz

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Dear young woman on the bus:

Mr. Jazz has a totally different take on what I overheard.

When I told him, he said that if you were saying loud enough to be overheard, you didn't really believe it and it was just a bid for sympathy. Basically, he thinks you are a moron.

Mr. Jazz has his cynical moments - probably from living with me for 20 years.

Mr. Jazz also has no patience with the "oh I'm fat" thing - as I learned quite quickly many years ago.

Maybe your boyfriend will run out of patience with your whining too.

Warningly,

Jazz