Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson is Dead

Poor Farah - upstaged again...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

You can
find the article here, but in case the link is taken down, here is he article as it appeard on the CBC News website.

Can you spell I-D-I-O-T ?? In this age of rampant political correctness, how did he think he could actually get away with saying something like that in public? What was the guy thinking? Twice in a week no less?

"I have a cousin who is gay". Somehow that comment doesn't strike me as the best defense against being called a homophobe, but there ya go.

I love stuff like this, but I sorta feel sorry for the guy - though it's sort of scary that such a bumbling idiot could have been elected in the first place. Doesn't say much for our electorate does it?


"Men are attracted to smiles, " Alberta MLA advised girls on blog

Last Updated: Monday, June 22, 2009 | 7:08 PM MT Comments470Recommend170

Edmonton-Calder MLA Doug Elniski, seen in a photo posted on Facebook, took down his blog on Monday.
Edmonton-Calder MLA Doug Elniski, seen in a photo posted on Facebook, took down his blog on Monday.

Edmonton-Calder Conservative MLA Doug Elniski apologized late Monday afternoon for controversial comments that he posted on his blog, and insisted that he is not sexist.

Elniski posted the text of a speech on June 13 that he said he gives to junior high school students at Grade 9 graduation ceremonies.

Part of the posting included advice to girls saying, "Ladies, always smile when you walk into a room, there is nothing a man wants less than a woman scowling because he thinks he is going to get s--t for something and has no idea what."

It continues, "Men are attracted to smiles, so smile, don't give me that 'treated equal' stuff. If you want Equal, it comes in little packages at Starbucks."

Elniski's blog was taken down on Monday afternoon.

The "advice" shows Elniski does not believe in women's equality, NDP MLA Rachel Notley said Monday.

"I'm also very concerned that this is the kind of message that may be being given at junior high schools that this particular MLA is visiting," she said. "It's hurtful and it sets the issue of women's equality back."

"What does it say about Alberta when a government MLA is telling young girls that their understanding of equality can be found in a diet sweetener at Starbucks?" Notley asked in a news release. "Equal is a woman's right, not a Starbucks sweetener."

MLAs need to be held accountable for the comments they make in public either verbally or on the web, she added.

MLA said he paraphrased comedian

Notley has asked Conservative Premier Ed Stelmach to make it clear that these kinds of sentiments are not the prevailing opinion of members of his caucus.

Reached late Monday afternoon, Elniski said he was apologetic to those who took offence to his blog: "That's why I took it down," he said.

The comment regarding Equal being a package to pick up at Starbucks was paraphrased from a comedian's routine, Elniski said. The comments have never been part of any speech he gives to students, but simply a preamble on his website, he explained.

"In hindsight, it was a stupid, inappropriate thing to put on the blog," he admitted. "It completely missed the message I was trying to achieve."

Elniski said the message was that men and women should be friendly and approachable in dealing with others.

2nd apology in week

The rookie MLA, who was first elected to the legislature last year, apologized over the weekend for a separate online thread he posted from his Twitter account during Edmonton's Pride Parade on June 13.

Among the tweets he posted were "I am surrounded by bumping and grinding lesbians," and "that guy has size-14 stilettos."

The messages offended some members of Edmonton's gay community. Murray Billet, a gay rights activist and a member of the Edmonton Police Commission, said the comments were embarrassing and "narrow-minded."

Elniski said on the weekend he's not insensitive to the gay community, adding that he has a cousin who is gay.

"The Pride Parade was an awful lot of fun and there were some people there that were really, really, really into what they do," he said Monday.

"I really honestly had no malice or anything with respect to what went on at that parade. Those guys get a rough ride all the time."


Monday, June 22, 2009

Alright Blogger!

What's the big idea!?!

Last week I had a comment for my last post in my email and somehow, it wasn't in the comment section of my post.

I'd deleted the comment from my trash and thought, "Well, maybe I dreamed it."

Now another comment has gone missing between my email and my blog - and this time I know I didn't hallucinate the damn thing, it's still in my inbox!!!!

Why are you eating my comments!?!

What have I ever done to you??

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Wednesday Correspondence

Dear Clothing Manufacturers:

I know I've been harping on this regularly but what the fuck is with clothing sizing. Shopping this weekend, I varied between size 12 and 18 (YES 18!!) for similar skirts.

There has got to be some way y'all can get your shit together and standardize sizing. Sometimes it even varies within the same damn brand. Have you any idea at all how frustrating that makes clothes shopping? Any? At all??

No, sizing down* will not make me buy this pair of pants over another because I'm stupid enough to think I'm "smaller". I am neither stupid nor small. Brainwise or asswise. Sizing down will not make my buy your brand over another, it will just frustrate the hell out of me because every time I try something on I have to try it on in three sizes to actually find the one that fits.

If anything, since I buy what fits me rather than what the numbers say, it only pisses me off and sends me screaming from the store without buying anything. People running screaming from stores tend to put other shoppers off.

Just sayin'


* sizing up to 18 won't work either. What's the deal with that?


Dear Blogger,

For once I'm not going to blast you. I must say your "follower" gizmo is brilliant. Since I put myself as a follower on the blogs I follow - even the non-blogger ones - I no longer have to go through every blog to see who has something new up. It just pops up automatically.

That makes the Jazzer a happy frog.

I'm amazed that it works so well and am waiting for you to prove once again that you hate me, but until then,




Dear Simons:

I went shopping last weekend. That would be June 13. We're clear on that, right? Last Saturday was June 13.
And you had winter clothes displayed. Cozy woolens and the like. Beside bikinis.

Wool sweaters!! On. June. 13th!!!!

What the hell are you thinking? We've hardly had temperatures in the 20s yet and you're displaying wool sweaters? Short of someone travelling to the South Pole, who the hell is going to buy that stuff? You're in Quebec, no one fucking wants to think of winter right now!

OK, I know they do it with cars, the 2010 models have been out for a couple of months already. I know retail seaons and real seasons don't quite mesh, but only a few years ago, winter stuff wasn't displayed until early August. Again:

What. Are. You. Thinking?

Seriously, I'd really like to know 'cause not only I, but also your sales personnel ("Yeah, imagine, I have to work with this stuff all around me!) are at a loss to understand.

Please explain.

Head scratchingly,



Dear Internet

What is with all these damn acronyms? This ARE* is really pissing me off KWIM**? IMNSHO***, it's just too damn annoying for words.

WTF****? Are people now incapable of writing?

I suppose I'm getting so old that I need things spelled out for me, but I'm CRBT***** at the idiocy of it all. I imagine it makes sense when texting, but when people start sending email full of these things it becomes FMTYEWTK******, BWTHDIK*******



* Acronym Rich Environment
** Know what I mean
*** In my not so humble opinion
**** What the fuck
***** Crying real big tears
****** Far more than you ever want to know
*******But what the hell do I know
********I think I'm going to be sick


Dear people who print cheques:

Why on earth do you print "BACK / ENDOS" on the back of all commercial cheques?

Do you seriously think we're too stupid to tell the difference between the front (where all the pretty numbers and dollar signs are printed) and the back of a cheque?

Newsflash: We're not.



Monday, June 15, 2009

The road to hell...

... they say, is paved with good intentions.

And I had such intentions for posting.

I went to Quebec city on Friday to spend Saturday with my mom. And I took pictures of my favourite tree in in the world. As well as a hideous house and other assorted stuff which I was going to upload as a Things I like about Quebec post. The pictures are still in my camera...

I came home early, Saturday evening, and as I sat on the balcony here in town on Sunday morning (Mr. Jazz was at the cottage, and good for him 'cause it was a glorious day), I thought, "Hey, I'll go take a walk, take pictures and do a This is my 'hood post". And then I walked into the kitchen and the dutiful side of me took over and damned if I didn't spend the day scrubbing soot off the cupboard doors. Which I had figured on doing as soon as we had finished repainting. Over a month ago.

Soon as I get to hell, I'll take pictures and try to remember to post them.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

The Granddaddy of all Memes

I've never read Proust - sentences that go on for pages just don't do it for me, and though I do like madeleine cakes, it's not enough to make me read the man's works. However, since I'm at sort of a impasse right now, with my brain having recently decided to coast along on neutral - no, that's a lie, it's pretty much flicked the switch to off - and still feel like posting I decided I'd pick this one up from Ian. So here goes with the Proust questionnaire.

As Ian notes: The Proust Questionnaire is a kind of classic of its sort. It has been running in Vanity Fair magazine for a number of years in which assorted notables and also-rans are asked to respond to a set of rather unique questions.

Basically, it's the granddaddy of memes. The guy would've done really well had he had a meme blog...

Part I

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Mornings, no Monday mornings, no... rainy Monday mornings.

Where would you like to live?
Arizona if Arizona had the ocean. Is there someplace civilized where the desert meets the ocean? And it's warm? And where I could spend my days on the beach sipping from glasses containing paper parasols? Oh yeah, that's a holiday.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Not being dead

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Perfection. Naw. I'm lying. All those perfect people must die. So I guess, um... a tendency to serial killing sprees?

Who are your favorite characters in history?
Real history or pretend history? Character as in novel or historical figure with attitude? This is way too hard for me.

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
All those women out there who have the wherewithal to actually make and raise children. Hats off to all of you, I sure as hell couldn't do it.

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Honestly, I don't really have favourite fictional characters. I've read thousands of books and no one female character particularly stands out. Or male for that matter. I could do the stock answer and say Jane Austen's women, but meh they don't particularly stand out either. My brain can only hold on to so much information.

Your favorite painter?
I don't have just one. Marcel Duchamp, Magritte, Dali, Picasso... Impressionists bore me to death. I quite like Seurat though with his pointilism...

Your favorite musician?
Let's just toss out Miles Davis who I truly love and be done with. I'm discovering Coldplay, but they're a group, not a musician...

The quality you most admire in a man?
Humour, a healthy sense of the absurdity of it all and the ability to not take it seriously. All right, that's three. It's my meme so I'll answer how I want.

The quality you most admire in a woman?
I shall not discriminate: the same as in a man

Your favorite virtue?
You can have a favourite? I thought you could only have favourite vices. But virtues are highly overrated I think; um, let's see, how about flexibility - good in the moral sense and also great to have in the physical one. Two birds with one stone as it were. Learn all about virtue here - funny how it's inextricably tied in with religion, and as we all know, that's really not my cup of tea as it were...

And of course I had to wiki vice, 'cause I'm all for equal oportunity an' all. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm pretty much on my merry way to hell if I'm held up against the Christian idea of vice: blasphemy, apostasy, indifference - and I'll not even start on the seven deadly sins... oy vey!

Your favorite occupation?
Reading and that other one, probably considered a vice *sigh*...

Who would you have liked to be?
Other than myself? Isis

Part II

Your most marked characteristic
Character-wise, my cynicism. Physically, my ass.

The quality you most like in a man?
Didn't I just answer that?

The quality you most like in a woman?
See above and above that. Did Proust have memory problems?

What do you most value in your friends?
The humour again, and the ability to tolerate me.

What is your principle defect?
That makes me sound like a machine. Shouldn't it read fault? How about my pickiness regarding the proper usage of words? Oh, and by the way, that should read princiPAL - so maybe also my anal attitude towards spelling and grammatical errors.

What is your favorite occupation?
Again! Proust really should have proofed these questions...

What is your dream of happiness?
I try not to dream. Much better to live in the here and now and find happiness there. What's the point of dreaming about happiness when you can find it around you if you're willing.

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
Losing my sight. Then I'd have to learn braille (dunno how well I'd do at that - and I don't think they've perfected the braille blog yet), though on the plus side, I wouldn't be lying when I tell people trying to sell me newspaper subscriptions over the phone that I'm blind.

What would you like to be?
How is this different from the question in part one except that it's not in the past tense? Oh, oops, this time it's "what". OK. A chair that gets sat on by guys with beautiful butts. The women can sit on the floor. Or a tree - one that lives to a ripe old age without being cut down. Must be amazing to watch how things change (or don't) over a hundred years.

In what country would you like to live?
The US I guess, since I'd love to live in AZ.

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite flower?
Anthurium - yeah, the penis flower

What is your favorite bird?
The oh so ordinary chickadee; they're just so damn cute

Who are your favorite prose writers?
Robertson Davies, Tolkien, Carol Shields, Cormac McCarthy... and eve so many others.

Who are your favorite poets?
Don't have any. I'm not big into poetry. Except maybe Marjorie Weber. Here are a couple of her poems. Obviously we're not talking e.e. cummings.


Everyone talks about things.
What are things?

Things are flowers, bees
And birds in the trees.
Those are things.

Along with jewels
Trinkets and ting-a-lings

Blues, greens and colors
For painting
These are things.

I could go on and on
But as
You may of guessed
Almost anything can be a thing!


There once was a frog
Named Boyd

He had a friend who
Was known as Lloyd
Boyd and Lloyd
And Floyd
A friend

Met with no good end
When Boyd and Floyd

Found out that Lloyd
Was no friend!

Who are your favorite composers?
The usual, Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, not very original I know...

Who are your favorite painters?
Proust is fucking with my head again.

Who are your heroes in real life?
And again

Who are your favorite heroines of history?
And again.

What are your favorite names?
I quite like his name: Siddig El Tahir El Fadil El Siddig El Abderahman El Mohammed Ahmed El Abdel Karim El Mahdi and his is interesting to say the least: James Dr No From Russia with Love Goldfinger Thunderball You Only Live Twice On Her Majesty's Secret Service Diamonds Are Forever Live and Let Die The Man with the Golden Gun The Spy Who Loved Me Moonraker For Your Eyes Only Octopussy A View to a Kill The Living Daylights Licence to Kill Golden Eye Tomorrow Never Dies The World Is Not Enough Die Another Day Casino Royale Bond. David Fearn, 23, from Walsall, who changed his name to the names of every James Bond movie at the time in order to celebrate the release of the latest Bond film

What is it you most dislike?
Brussel sprouts

What historical figures do you most despise?
The guy who decided that Brussel sprouts should be eaten.

What event in military history do you most admire?
Meh, not big on the whole battle thing.

What reform do you most admire?
You're kidding, right?

What natural gift would you most like to possess?
The ability to draw.

How would you like to die?
Quickly and spectacularly

What is your present state of mind?
Baffled as to why I'm doing this.

What is your motto?
If you understand, things are as they are. If you don't understand, things are as they are. (Someone obviously way Zen-er than I said that)

Alternately: Proust was obviously insane.

Damn that was long... anyone willing to try it (or any version of it), let me know and I'll be sure to go check your answers.

Friday, June 05, 2009

The Expedition

Disclaimer: Unlike Jocelyn's recent post, this one deals not with the bottom unmentionables, but rather the top*. Proceed at your own risk - Especially you BB, who knows if this is too much information for a big brother?

Well it's been done. Remember way back in February the Jazzer went shopping? Yeah, that wasn't a success.

No foundation garments were bought. And I was truly on the brink bralessness. Not that that would have been bad a few years ago (hell a few years ago I was the proud owner of not a single sling), but the girls (as mentioned those many months ago) are perhaps a tad less perky than they used to be despite their "petite" size. Unfortunately, age and gravity will win. Always. Like mother nature, age and gravity are bitches. Actually I'm sure the three of them are the inspiration behind Greek mythology's three Fates, and MacBeth's three witches. They are the evil triplets from hell. But I digress.

So. Another shopping trip was beyond necessary because... damned if the old harnesses hadn't passed into the realm of .... well. Dead. Deceased. No longer of this world. Yeah like the Norwegian blue parrot of Monty Python fame:

And thus the expedition had become not only necessity but a prerequisite to the continued perkiness of the girls. It says a lot of how I hate bra shopping when nary a one is to be found in the drawers either at home or at the cottage because, well, they've crossed over to the other side. They have passed on to a better realm. Amen and hallelujah.

Thus, when Mr. Jazz and I were doing errands and I spied a purveyor of lacy undergarments, I told my better half (you'll see why he's better soon) to go do something while I ventured forth into enemy territory, boldly going where so many women have gone before.

His answer?

"Why can't I come?"

My jaw dropped... "Feel free, but you'll be bored to death. It's bras ferchrissake"

Yeah I know, I was sorely underestimating a man's capacity for entertainment in a shop full of lacy, sexy undergarments. I'm stupid that way. So in we went. I picked out a couple and went to try them. As usual, no luck.

"Lets go"

"No, try this, and this and this"

And he proceeded to pick out about 10 of the repulsive harnesses and shoved me towards the fitting room.

The first: a T-strap thing that actually I had no idea even how to put on landed directly into the no pile. Much heavy sighing ensued.

The next : Damned if it didn't almost fit! Of the bunch, there was another t-strap contraption - how do those things work ? - and four scores! Four people!!

The Jazzer, she was ecstatic. Oh yeah. OK granted, they've got the padded thing going on, but damn, they fit! They fit!!! Does it count as false advertising if you don't have a choice? And no, mine are not double gels as seen below - those damn things weigh five pounds. Am I gonna haul five pounds of silicone around on my chest if it's not implanted? I think not.

A double gel bra like this, for instance, is false advertising.
Well not really since nobody has boobs that naturally do that. And nobody is fooled.
And no those are
not mine, but they are entertaining, aren't they boys?

And so, Mr. Jazz is now not only the official Jazz household cook, he has been inducted into the the world renowned OPLU (Order of the Purveyance of Lacy Underthings) and knighted Sir Foundation.

That's one more chore I can fob off on him.


* Funny how our underwear posts tend to follow each other. Is there some sort of cosmic meaning to that?

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Public Service Bulletin #1 - HOW TO SURVIVE A SHARK ATTACK


Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.


In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.


Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.


This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.


In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

Monday, June 01, 2009

Correspondence from the surreal side

Dear woman on the metro.

No no no no. NO.

One does not wear a strapless turquoise summer dress with a fuschia bra.

On especially does not wear a strapless turquoise summer dress with a fuschia bra that has straps. A bra that is mostly OUTSIDE the dress.

That is just wrong on so many levels that I can't even begin to explain.

Plus it's only about 6 degrees above freezing.




Dear colleague from that other office.

I was volunteered to take care of the mailing lists for all the offices. I would've passed on that, but there you go. So, a while ago you sent me your list. Your stupid fucking mailing list. That was set up with one field for "Mr. John Doe". Who the HELL puts the salutation, first name and last name in the same field in a database? Oh yeah, you.

And who, instead of adding a second address field, puts part of the address in the name field if there isn't enough space in the address field? Oh yeah, you.

And who, rather than putting a field for, say, people's titles, puts it after the MR.! JOHN! DOE! in the damn name field? Oh yeah, YOU!

Do you have any freaking idea how much annoyance goes into fixing this shit?

And now, you tell me, "I did an overhaul of the list and am sending it back to you". And did you work in the version I sent you? The one I had put into excel to you could import it into your database software easily? The one I spent FUCKING hours on to fix (sorry 'bout the grammar issues here, but I'm pissed off)????

No, you used the old stupid thing and I've been working on it all day to fix it.


And you still have at least 15 names that are in the thing twice. Do you even CHECK the damn thing?

I will not do this again. You do it my way or I'll rip your dam head off. Are we clear?




Dear Asshat,

I imagine by 5:30 you were having the time of your life imagining the havoc you wreaked with your stupid ass stunt of calling in a bomb threat in the subway at 5:10 on a Thursday evening.

At Berri metro station no less, the metro line hub. You paralyzed three metro lines.


As well as vehicular traffic on the outside, as they had to set up a security perimeter.

You managed to paralyze downtown Montreal on a Thursday evening, complicating the life of commuters, transit workers, the cops. For what? A suitcase full of rocks or something of that nature.

Have you any idea how long it took me to get my ass home? I was having dinner with friends and had to take three buses that were bursting at the seams to get there!

And I was a lucky one - it only took me two and a half hours rather than the usual 50 minutes. I don't live far from downtown or on the south shore. Traffic was hell until late evening it seems. The subway started up again at 9:00 pm. I suppose you're proud of yourself you lowlife little prick. Vermin like you... no, I could rant for hours about the nastiness that you are, but I won't.

Except to say, I hope they find you, you prick. And then give you to us commuters. We'll see that you do not live long enough to ever do something like this again.




Dear Bus Driver,

No I am not going to swipe my transit card. Because I'm so damn late, my connection time is over and I am not going to use another ticket for the last leg of my journey.

As I told you, I am over an hour late for my dinner with my friends, I didn't manage to get home and change from my work clothes, I'm tired, I'm annoyed, I've spent the day working on a dumbass mailing list and I'm fucking hormonal.

Believe me, you do not want to mess with me. I don't care if you have 50 lbs on my, I will not hesitate to take you down child, rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end. And take immense pleasure in it.

Do. Not. Doubt. Me.

At this point in my day, I can crush you like an ant.

Funny how you took one look at me and let me by. Age you're at, I probably reminded you of your mom.

This is good.

Lesson learned: Do NOT piss off an already highly annoyed menopausal woman. You cannot win.




Dear lady with the beemer,

The south side of the street was closed. Both lanes were diverted in to the two lane north side of the street. Despite the huge "NO STOPPING" signs, you still stopped in front of the dry cleaners to drop off your stuff - or maybe to pick it up, whatever.

Your stopping completely blocked traffic, but did you give a damn? No, cause we all know it's all about you. Thankfully the honking and swearing penetrated your thick skull and you eventually realized, once you were out of the car and on the sidewalk, that this might not be the most brilliant thing you'd ever done. Maybe the chemicals from the hair dye have dried out your brain? You are a moron.




Dear Mother Nature,

It's June 1. I have yet to pull out my summer tops and dresses, sandals and flirty skirts.

You are a bitch and I hate you.