Friday, June 05, 2009

The Expedition

Disclaimer: Unlike Jocelyn's recent post, this one deals not with the bottom unmentionables, but rather the top*. Proceed at your own risk - Especially you BB, who knows if this is too much information for a big brother?

Well it's been done. Remember way back in February the Jazzer went shopping? Yeah, that wasn't a success.

No foundation garments were bought. And I was truly on the brink bralessness. Not that that would have been bad a few years ago (hell a few years ago I was the proud owner of not a single sling), but the girls (as mentioned those many months ago) are perhaps a tad less perky than they used to be despite their "petite" size. Unfortunately, age and gravity will win. Always. Like mother nature, age and gravity are bitches. Actually I'm sure the three of them are the inspiration behind Greek mythology's three Fates, and MacBeth's three witches. They are the evil triplets from hell. But I digress.

So. Another shopping trip was beyond necessary because... damned if the old harnesses hadn't passed into the realm of .... well. Dead. Deceased. No longer of this world. Yeah like the Norwegian blue parrot of Monty Python fame:

And thus the expedition had become not only necessity but a prerequisite to the continued perkiness of the girls. It says a lot of how I hate bra shopping when nary a one is to be found in the drawers either at home or at the cottage because, well, they've crossed over to the other side. They have passed on to a better realm. Amen and hallelujah.

Thus, when Mr. Jazz and I were doing errands and I spied a purveyor of lacy undergarments, I told my better half (you'll see why he's better soon) to go do something while I ventured forth into enemy territory, boldly going where so many women have gone before.

His answer?

"Why can't I come?"

My jaw dropped... "Feel free, but you'll be bored to death. It's bras ferchrissake"

Yeah I know, I was sorely underestimating a man's capacity for entertainment in a shop full of lacy, sexy undergarments. I'm stupid that way. So in we went. I picked out a couple and went to try them. As usual, no luck.

"Lets go"

"No, try this, and this and this"

And he proceeded to pick out about 10 of the repulsive harnesses and shoved me towards the fitting room.

The first: a T-strap thing that actually I had no idea even how to put on landed directly into the no pile. Much heavy sighing ensued.

The next : Damned if it didn't almost fit! Of the bunch, there was another t-strap contraption - how do those things work ? - and four scores! Four people!!

The Jazzer, she was ecstatic. Oh yeah. OK granted, they've got the padded thing going on, but damn, they fit! They fit!!! Does it count as false advertising if you don't have a choice? And no, mine are not double gels as seen below - those damn things weigh five pounds. Am I gonna haul five pounds of silicone around on my chest if it's not implanted? I think not.

A double gel bra like this, for instance, is false advertising.
Well not really since nobody has boobs that naturally do that. And nobody is fooled.
And no those are
not mine, but they are entertaining, aren't they boys?

And so, Mr. Jazz is now not only the official Jazz household cook, he has been inducted into the the world renowned OPLU (Order of the Purveyance of Lacy Underthings) and knighted Sir Foundation.

That's one more chore I can fob off on him.


* Funny how our underwear posts tend to follow each other. Is there some sort of cosmic meaning to that?


Mr. Jazz said...

My Mission: To serve and protect...

Gaelyn said...

I HATE Bra shopping! I'd gladly send my little sagging girls to the mall with anybody but me to pick out an apropriate and comfortable sling. Have learned to live with jogger bras, all cotton, no wire and also no shape, but keeps them for bouncing. A friend refers to these as Monoboob bras.
Good for Mr Jazz. Does he have any brothers? LOL

Guillaume said...

Ah, the Dead Parrot sketch, one of mt favourite! I rarely laugh out loud watching it, but I keep smiling until the end.

geewits said...

Congrats! And it's not false advertising at all since you are not available. If you were man-hunting, maybe. I am overdue for new bras myself and since you got lucky, hopefully I will, too. But at least I have two decent ones. Bras I mean. Maybe I'll just wait until they disentegrate.

Jazz said...

Mr Jazz - And you do very well at it.

Gaelyn - Unfortunately he is an only child. Maybe we could clone him for you though.

Guillaume - One of their best indeed, along with the Cheese Shop, and the Lumberjack Song and the Wink Wink Nudge Nudge one. God I love Monty Python.

Geewits - At first I thought you were saying two decent girls ;-)

furiousBall said...

i'm sorry, i had something witty and insightful to comment upon and then the hooters made me forget everything.

oh, well knowing me it was probably just a dick or fart joke

xup said...

That Mr. Jazz ought to be cloned. It wasn't that long ago when bras were a no-no. Am I the only one who remembers that? How did we go from commando to underwire and gel pads in a few short decades? I hate bras. Saggy or not, why can't we just go without? Where the hell is Gloria Steinem when we really need her?

Anonymous said...

Yep, me and Mr. Jazz. One of my favorite expeditions, too, even though items I pick are also never purchased.

Anonymous said...

That man is a keeper! And he didn't go for any of the hooker bras, did he? Again, a gem! Send him out west - we need men like him in BC!

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, Mr. Jazz is a keeper. That's point #1. Point #2: Yes, underwear posts follow each other around. It's a law or something. I have several, and I think I'm spiraling out of control.

Jeaux said...

I always like coming here... I never know when I'm going to get new insights into Shakespeare.

Of course Mr. Jazz would have a valuable take on the situation, having the advantage of observing from the other side of the, eh, divide.

trish said...

thanks for the comment:) I'm always thinking I layer my backgrounds too much, but just can't help it;)
love your shark attack post, funny-
oh and I think I'll stick with firefox - it works for me except to upload pics, I can do that in explorer though-
take care

Jazz said...

Furball - Well obviously.

XUP - I wonder the same thing. I think somehow it's all the fault of the wonderbra. Remember how all of a sudden the push-up was back? It was wonderbra.

Ian - He pulled out 10, I got 4, had I gone alone I would never have bought a thing. I love that.

Pink - Not a hooker bra in sight! And sorry, but I'm keeping him here.

FL - There are so many laws I'm discovering...

Jeaux - There ya go. Shakespeare's got nothing on me.

Trish - glad you liked it.

Rachel said...

As horrible as bra shopping is for you (and who really has a good time of it?) In a way youre lucky: you can go to som shop and buy four (four!!!) Off the rack.

Me, I have the unfortunate blessing of a tiny little rib cage and a ginormous Rack of Doom.

I have to go to specialty shops and pay out the ass for a bra or two that may still cause spillage. *sigh*

Jocelyn said...

Mr. Jazz was already a 10 on my Husband-O-Meter, but now I'm having to crank him up to 11. Dude rocks.

I can't do the gel inserts, since I'd have perma-black-eyes, but I'm glad they do what you need.

I'm pretty sure when we ever meet, not only will there be wine--there will also be a huge heap of bad underwear on the table by the end of the evening. Then we'll set a fire.

Jazz said...

Rachel - The rack of doom! Bwwahahahaaha.. Um sorry. I feel your pain, well not really, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one. Seems everyone has problems with this issue. I'm thinking we're not the problem, are we? What are the manufacturers thinking?

Joce - Oh. God. NOOO! No gel for me. Just tasteful padding because they don't make unpadded A cups it seems. Other than training bras. I guess they figure all women want to be a C.

Susan Tuttle said...

the problem is -- the bra was designed by a man -- that's my guess. That double gel bra looks like a torture device -- why would anyone voluntarily wear a bra that mimicked a mammogram procedure???? To look good for a man!!

I wear no-nonsense, no-underwire plain white Haines -- too much info -- sorry.

choochoo said...

rotfl. That's okay. They never fit. It's not you. It's them.

Maddy said...

Note to self = purchase replacement foundation garments on return to the UK.

Note to self = wear undergarments over clothing on return to the US to terrify the locals.

Warty Mammal said...

Gaaaaaa. Bra shopping. Is there any experience which is more relentlessly hideous?

Next time I find a bra style that's comfy, I'm ordering a gross of them online. No joke.