Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Public Service Bulletin #1 - HOW TO SURVIVE A SHARK ATTACK

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1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN

Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC

In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE

Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE

This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

5. DON'T PANIC

In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

16 comments:

geewits said...

And if a land shark shows up at your door, just don't open it. And remember to ask "Who is it?" when someone knocks or rings the bell because land sharks, by law, must say, "Land shark" if you ask.

Gaelyn said...

Think I'll just stay out of the water.

Hagelrat said...

I should be safe enough, we are hours from any sea and I am allergic to the outdoors anyway. ;)

mrwriteon said...

I think a variation of the old 'how to deal with bears while hiking' applies here, and that would be to swim with people slower than you.
And, the salt water rule doesn't always apply. Lake Nicaragua is chock-a-block with lethal maneaters.

xup said...

Geewits makes a good point. This post is all about sea sharks when the real danger for most of us is from land sharks.. (PS: they will try to disguise their voices if they come to the door and first pretend they're delivering flowers or pizza)

Guillaume said...

I actually like sharks, but here,s another piece of advice: try to make yourself difficult to digest (I don't know, be grumpy or something, it hardens the meat). You'll die, but at least you'll give sharkie a bad stomach.

Jocelyn said...

HEE-HAW and SNORT!

Sometimes I look at the people inside a McDonald's and wonder who's the "fat" one, though. There's a remarkable amount of unhealth in there.

Oh, and, er, I'm looking at these people in McDonald's through the window--because I'd never eat there, for that would mean I, too, have the unhealth.

Suldog said...

That's truly LOL material. Wish I'd thought of it...

lime said...

that was very helpful. good thing you didn't publish this decades ago or we might never have been blessed with the cinematic masterpiece that is jaws and all it's sequels.

Maddy said...

Fortunately it's to darned cold to even contemplate swimming around here. It's still pretty chilly back home too but luckily there aren't any sharks. Love the cartoon.
Cheers

Jazz said...

Geewits - I'll keep that in mind.

Hagel - but it sesms there are the land sharks...

Ian - no shit? freshwater sharks? How cool is that!

XUP - Good think we make our own pizza.

Guilaume - I really like sharks too, they are the coolest animals. And I'll try to remember to stay grumpy while I'm near the ocean.

Joce - If I were a shark, I wouldn't eat a McDonald's person. Bleah.

Suldog - I wish I had thought of it too. It was sent to me and I promptly posted it. I maybe shoulda said it wasn't from my lame brain.

Lime - Imagine. Live without Jaws...

Maddy - Cold? in California?? Wow.

endangered coffee said...

Big Boy EC loves sharks. The only place he has been exposed to them is in Toy Story, where the toy shark has one line. But he knows this line.

Whenever he sees a shark, he says "Howdy, Howdy, Howdy"

(For those of you without toddlers who incessantly watch Toy Story, this is what the toy shark says when he finds Woody's hat and makes fun of him)

Big Brother said...

According to wildlife specialists sharks are in much more danger from us than we are from them. So when a swimmer gets eaten it's just a bit of poetic justice. This goes for pretty much all wildlife. ;o)

Ricë said...

omigod, i LOVE Land Sharks! thanks for reminding me--

Jazz said...

EC - Howdy! I remember that, even without toddlers! I love sharks too. I think they're pretty much the most beautiful creatures in the ocean. For my 40th birthday I went skydiving. I think the only thing that could top it for my 50th is to go shark diving in the Caribbean. It's topmost on my list of goals.

BB - It is poetic justice. It drives me insane when there's a shark attack and everyone goes all ballistic about it. Like sharks are our worst enemies. Sorry, it' the other way around. And... no. I'll shut up now. Off the soapbox.

Ricë - Those were the SNL days... Unfortunately they don't seem to have the original landshark sketch on Youtube. If ever I find it, I'll post it...

Warty Mammal said...

LOL.

Shaggy dog story: we lived in Adelaide for awhile, when I was a kid. My folks were always impressed at how empty the beaches were, how no one was swimming. It wasn't until years later that my father learned that supposedly sharks were an issue there! Guess I was lucky that my mom was deathly afraid of swimming, eh?