Thursday, April 01, 2010

Friday funny... oops, Thursday

Disclaimer:  I have nothing against Christians, I know people who have a great faith in god and if that works for them fine, I totally respect it, just as they respect my point of view. This website is a riot though, in its exposure of the clichés - many of which anyone who has had an encounter with the evangelical types has been exposed too. That's where the mind boggles. But hey, whatever floats your boat, so long as you don't try to sink mine. So, in the spirit in which this was intended, have fun.

First I'd like to thank Rachel for posting this; it's so hysterical, I just have to share.

The following gems are from the I am a atheist website (and thanks again Rachel). And go to the site, their homepage is laugh out loud funny.

For instance - Atheist Rights and Responsibilities:

As a moral atheist you have a number of rights and responsibilities. These include (but are not limited to):
  1. Have no gods.
  2. Don't worship stuff.
  3. Be polite.
  4. Take a day off once in a while.
  5. Be nice to folks.
  6. Don't kill people.
  7. Don't cheat on your significant other.
  8. Don't steal stuff.
  9. Don't lie about stuff.
  10. Don't be greedy.
Remember, theists may condemn you for living by this code because you are doing it of your own free will instead of because you're afraid that if you don't a supreme being will set you on fire.

And of course - Arguments Against Atheism   (I have been handed several of these over the years, some more than once - I wish I had had these answers...) :

As an atheist, you will occasionally meet a non-atheist who wishes to argue against your belief system. If you are interested in discussing the matter, you may want to prepare yourself by learning these simple responses to common anti-atheist arguments.

The Bible says that atheism is wrong. (I just stared when I was served this. If the bible says it, it's proof obviously - how does that follow?...)
"The Bible also says some guy's donkey talked."

If you believe in God and are wrong, then it's no big deal, but if you don't believe in God and are wrong, you'll be punished eternally, so it's not a good idea to be an atheist.
"What if you're wrong that God prefers unthinking self-righteous toadies to honest people who try and live a good life?"

Deep down you really believe in God. (The most rational of arguments, I think I got this one most)
"Deep down, you really don't believe that."

You're only saying you're an atheist to rebel against authority.
"And if the Beatles grew long hair to rebel against authority, then they really had no hair -- is that what you're saying?"

You probably are an atheist because you had a bad experience as a child.
"You probably worship God because you hate your real father."

There are no atheists in foxholes.
"Probably because we have less excuses to start wars."

If you don't believe in God, you'll go to Hell! (No, I think actually this is the most frequent one - my answer: It's your hell, you go burn in it)
"If you don't stop believing in God right now, I'll punch you in the face."

Why are you mad at God?
"Because he's supposed to be all good but he doesn't even have the common decency to exist."

Atheists are Satanic.
"Just like theists are agnostic?"

Without God there is no morality. (This one too rendered me speechless, and angry actually)
"Are we talking about the God that ordered Moses to kill babies and asked people to set animals on fire because he liked the smell?"

God is perfect, and He couldn't be perfect if He didn't exist, which proves that He exists.
"No, it just proves he isn't perfect."

People who follow Jesus are good, so you should follow Jesus.
"Chemotherapy can cure cancer, so everyone should have chemotherapy."

Jesus was either a liar, a crazy person, or the son of God. He spoke against liars, and his behavior wasn't crazy, so the only remaining possibility is that he was the son of God.
"So you're telling me that if a polite, honest-looking, well-spoken, nicely dressed man walked up to you on the street and introduced himself as the earthly incarnation of God, you'd figure he probably is? Have you considered the possibility that you're the one who is crazy?"

There were eye witnesses that Jesus worked miracles.
"There are eye witnesses that Bigfoot exists, Uri Geller works miracles, and aliens abduct people."

Most people who know about Jesus believe in Him.
"If most people jumped off a bridge..."

I know from personal experience that God exists.
"No he doesn't. He told me so himself."

God wants you to believe in him without rational proof.
"Then he's certainly doing a fine job of not tempting me with evidence."

You say you don't believe that God exists, but the word "God" is meaningless if there is no such thing, so you are admitting that God exists even as you deny his existence. (This one is brilliant in its very "convolutedness")
"That reminds me, I don't believe you owe me $100."

Hitler was an atheist.
"I don't know about Hitler's religion, but I do know that he was heterosexual, so can I assume you're against that, too?"

Einstein believed in God. Do you think you're smarter than Einstein?
"If he believed in God, yes."

The founding fathers intended the United States to be a Christian nation. Atheists aren't welcome.
"Are you sticking with the whole 'slavery' thing, too?"

The universe is so complex that someone must have designed it.
"I don't know -- that sentence was fairly complex but there was obviously not much thought behind it."

Atheists believe in evolution, but if we teach our children evolution in public school they will believe that they are no better than animals and will grow up immoral.
"I've met public school children. Most of them aren't any better than animals."

Evolution violates the second law of thermodynamics.
"No, but God does."

Well, evolution's only a theory.
"So's your old man."

How can you not believe in Jesus Christ when the evidence is overwhelming? (Ah yes, this one. I don't NOT believe in JC, historically, that is. Which has nothing to do with divinity)
"Well, Jesus's divinity is only a theory."

There's proof that God exists, like the Bible and miracles.
"If your twenty-year-old son still believes in Santa Claus because he read a book about Santa visiting and presents magically appeared on Christmas morning when he was a child, would you praise him for having faith in the face of overwhelming evidence or call him an idiot?"

My parents raised me to believe in God. Are you calling my parents liars? (What can you answer to such an argument, really?)
"Can we talk about the Tooth Fairy for a minute?"

There are so many wonderful things in the world, how can you say there is no God?
"It's really pretty easy: 'There is no god.' See?"

There is so much beauty in the world that only God could have created it.
"My wife's beautiful, and my mother-in-law made her."

If there is no Heaven, then where do you go when you die?
"The same place you were before you were conceived, I assume."

You can't prove God doesn't exist. (Never ever answer - "and you can't prove that he does", it only brings on the miracles and bible and the world is beautiful argument - The perfect Catch-22)

You don't know everything.
"Do you?"

You can't see air, but you believe in it. (Actually, I don't believe in air, anymore than I believe in wood or glass or water. It's there, it's a fact, not a belief)
"I can't see ignorance, but I can smell it. Right now, in fact."

You can't see love, but you believe in it.
"And I agree that god, like love, is just a concept."

God made His image appear in this tortilla!
(Eats tortilla)

You call yourself an atheist but you have faith. Everyone has faith in something. (Yep, I have faith in my brain and my ability to reason - at least for now, some days I doubt that too - and no doubt so does BB for that matter)
"I have faith that this conversation isn't going anywhere. Bye!"


Mr. Jazz said...

Amen/Alleluia! (and "stist" as the word verifikator suggested)

geewits said...

Pingua! (I'm going to have to send you an e-mail about something that you will find fascinating re: this post.) The reality is, as irksome as those people are, I just say to them, "If you are so concerned for my soul, instead of arguing with me, why don't you just pray for me?" Because prayers are really just collective good thoughts and I certainly believe in the power of that.

Anonymous said...

If you talk to God, you're a believer. If God talks to you, you're a schizophrenic.

Those were great. I think I needed them.

Anonymous said...

I've never understood the atheist blog concept. They spend a lot of time talking about why they don't believe in God. Why? Seems like a lot of effort for nothing. A lot of time refuting nothing. Why not just not believe in stuff and carry on with your life? Why do you have to talk about not believing in stuff? It makes my head hurt to think about it.

secret agent woman said...

Worsti is my word verification.

I don't argue about the existence of God - its nonsensical. It's not possible to prove the existence of a god or the nonexistence. I call myself a non-theist because it reflects my feeling that a belief in god is not necessary to live a good, moral life. But I don't care if others believe as long as they don't use it as an excuse to do harm to others. Love is what I believe in.

furiousBall said...

i'm against weird mustaches now too. Hitler had one.

i should go make a facebook fan page for that now.

Big Brother said...

We are obviously family lil sister... as I've said before, you're born, you live, you die, you rot, end of story. We are just an intricate biological machine is all. All we leave behind are the values we gave our kids and the good we did to others.

Suldog said...

Well, I'm a Christian, as you know, but I'll respect your beliefs and not proselytize. Some of the comebacks are pretty witty, actually.

All I'll say is that, on Sunday, I'll be celebrating my future in paradise, while the best you can hope for is a chocolate bunny :-)

Jazz said...

Mr Jazz - Stist indeed

Geewits - you wise wise woman you.

XUP - Just like a God Is Great blog, you're right, there doesn't seem to be much point, just do your thing.

SAW - True, why does it bother people what others believe or not. In my experience it's the Christians who seem to feel obligated to question my beliefs.

Furball - when you make that FB page let me know!

BB - yes, and I recall your sending giving our address to mormons so you could talk with them. And they kept coming (you, obviously, were never home) - I eventually had to tell them you'd died to get them to go away. You evil atheist you. Though probably you just did it to annoy me.

Suldog - I didn't even get the bunny!!!

Suldog said...

Aw! I got both!

(Of course, the great thing about Easter candy is that it all goes on sale the day after, so you should go out and BUY and cheap bunny for yourself. It will make you happy, I bet!

And, if you're still looking for a gift for that... thing... send 'em a whole bunch of stale Peeps!)

Here, There, Elsewhere... and more said...

Great post ..!

Jocelyn said...

I am outrageously sick of having extreme versions of Christianity shoved towards me--especially under the auspices, as it often is in the U.S., of politics.

My chant for today is "Up with Atheists!"

Voyager said...

Jazz, I celebrate your atheism! Just as I celebrate my agnostic spirituality, and my late father's devout Anglicanism. Because we think, and question, and wonder, rather than blindly accepting a dogma.

Warty Mammal said...

Great stuff. I tend to veer away from discussing religious issues because of being harassed/abused as a kid. My experience is that people don't wish to discuss so much as try to argue or beat the other party out of his/her opinion.

Forgive me for telling this story if I've ever brought it up before, but it echoes the "Everyone has faith in something" point. A few years ago, a then-friend was trying to convince me that I should "give (my) problems up to a higher power". I replied that I didn't believe in a higher power, and certainly not one which was benevolently interested in one's day-to-day affairs.

The friend was aghast. She literally couldn't imagine such a thing. "You HAVE to believe in a higher power! Surely you believe in something more powerful than you!" To that, I replied that certainly there were things more powerful than me … earthquakes, tornadoes, the IRS. However, I regarded them as rather implacable, disinterested forces. They weren't particularly interested in my well-being, and they certainly weren't the sort of thing one would "give up problems" to.

She went away from the conversation very displeased and disturbed. Angry, almost. "I don't care for your attitude," she said. The sad thing is, that's one of the most positive discussions I've ever had with a deist or theist on the topic of religion.