Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dear....

.
Dear Ma'am,

a)  Leggings are not pants
b) Cellulite is not pretty under leggings.
c) If you wore the trend the first time around, chances are, you shouldn't try it when it rolls back.

These are good principles to keep in mind. I'm sure you think the leggings make you look youthful. But no, they make you look like nothing other than ridiculous. Because Ma'am, that was really really not a good look.

Not.
At.
All.

Helpfully,

Jazz

*****************************

Dear Men in General,

What the hell is the idea with open legs thing. On buses, in theaters, every time  you sit down.

Why do you open your legs that way? Do your balls need extra air? Are you wanting to show off your package? Because dudes, I really really don't care. In the morning I'm not awake enough to notice and in the evenings, I'm too tired to care. Besides, most of you don't have enough of a package for it to be noticeable in your pants. Unless you wear leggings - in which case, please see above.

I really do not appreciate sitting in the bus or on the plane or train and having you take up over half my allotted space with your spreading out. Close your damn legs already! Stop with the fucking sense of entitlement to all the available - or non available - space.

Because I just might have to haul along a hammer the next time I take public transport and shatter any part of your leg encroaching on my space.

Respectfully

Jazz

*****************************

Dear Visa:

I just received my new card with the nifty little microchip thingy that's all secure and coded with layers and layers and layers and is totally foolproof apparently.

According to you it's much better than a card with the magnetic strip which is way easy to get into.

According to you this is the future of credit cards, because my card? It is now unassailable.

I'd just like to point out the non-nifty magnetic strip on the back of my card (because so many people don't yet have the new microchip machines).

Let me also point out that by the time they DO have these machines, the microchip technology will have been circumvented by the bad guys and the cards will already be obsolete. But thank you for trying.

Admirably

Jazz

*****************************

Dear Jazz,

If it so annoys you that men take up all your space in the bus, why don't you say something about it, rather than just fume?

Because you're a pushover, that's why. Grow a spine Woman!

Annoyedly,

Jazz
.

14 comments:

Kay said...

Amen!-- and I would really love to see someone actually tell a man, "excuse me, but could you kindly close your legs please?" haha

geewits said...

I hate that leg spread thing. I always notice it when guys are on Leno or Letterman. It's gross. Tom Cruise is one of the worst offenders. And they are not even taking up my space unless you count eye space.

Big Brother said...

About the Visa cards, well if you travel it'll come in handy because in Europe, where they are more progressive about these things, they just don't use the magnetic strip thingy anymore. In fact they don't even have the swipe thingy. So if you only have a mag strip you're out of luck. It happened to us in Ireland and Wales(way back when).
I couldn't agree with you more about the leggings and tight stretch pants... please ladies and gentlemen, if you don't have a perfect, and I do mean perfect body a little camouflage is in order. There is nothing worse than jello thighs or a beer belly hanging over the belt.

Suldog said...

It's much more comfortable. That's why we do it.

Now, do some of the guys need to do it quite as much as they do? Certainly not. Feel free to tell those bozos that you'd like to sit down and if they feel they really need all of that space, prove it. You might get an unwelcome flash from some guy who REALLY needs the space, but most will give you some room I think.

XUP said...

What Big Brother said about the magnetic strip. Sure came in handy in Paris. (FYI) And also about the leggings, They're very popular in Paris. In fact, I'd say 9 out of 10local women, young and old were wearing some sort of leggings or skinny-legged pants. Mind you, they wear them with tunic tops, which are also the height of popularity right now. It's been one of my favourite combos for quite a while now, too. So I fit right in. Will you be mocking me if I wear them around you?

Hagelrat said...

I see these posts and think oh goodie, who is the firing line this time.

Jazz said...

Kay - I'd like to be the one

Geewits - another strike against Cruise.

BB - We are so behind the times it's ridiculous. 15 years ago, we'd go to Paris and all the restaurants had wireless credit card machines you brought to the table, and most cards had chips already.

Suldog - I'll tell them you said so next time.

XUP - Oh, I'm not against the chip, I just figure, do it already! Make the damn switch, it's not as if it's any sort of brand new technology. You can wear all the leggings you want. I'm sure you are hawt in leggings. Me? Not so much.

Jazz said...

Hagel - Glad to entertain you!

secret agent woman said...

You know there's a been some research done on how men take up more than their share of space and women tend to take up less of it. Go ahead, bring a hammer next time.

Jocelyn said...

Just bust your butt into a tight spot next to some man on the bus and then throw your legs wide open. That'll make him scooch.

lime said...

dontcha love the false sense of security from technology?

mrwriteon said...

You are so good at these. Another reason to cherish you.

About the spread-leg thing -- oh, nevermind.

e said...

That thing men do when they sit must be some sort of "claiming territory" ritual...

As for leggings and skinny pants, many women in France can wear these successfully because they don't overeat and they take care of themselves...

Warty Mammal said...

Bleah. Yes. What is it with the splayed leg thing?

Now it's going to be my mission to ask Real Men. Dangly bits just don't take up THAT much room, regardless of how dangly they are.