Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dribs and Drabs Again

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This morning, on the way to work I saw a beautiful Husky. He was obviously thrilled to death to be going on his walk. Bounding at the edge of his leash... I'm sure he was thrilled because it's SNOWING in Montreal today. Yeah, you read that. SNOWING. The magnolias are flowering and it's fucking SNOWING!!  I'm sure BB with his love of all weather frigid must have been thrilled. Me? Not so much­.

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I got this animation of Elizabeth's page in Facebook. Go watch it:  Animator vs. Animation

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If someone somehow managed to pull my eyes out without severing my optic nerve, and they (my eyes) were hanging down the front of my face, could I see the floor and if I turned them towards my face would I see my face without my eyes?

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Has anyone out there heard of a certain type of pillow where the center is filled with water, which allows for perfect adjustment of your pillow size. I'm not sure whether I imagined this or if it really exists. If not, maybe I should invent it and make millions. But just the fact that I've had this in my head leads me to believe that it must already exist. I imagine my friend the omniscient XUP will know. People this woman is a veritable fount of information. And yes, I know, Google - but my brain is slow and I haven't made it to that point yet.

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I have a friend who works for a union. If you work for a union, I suppose you would be unionized, by your union. In case of a strike, who do you negotiate with? 'Course I guess I could simply ask her that.
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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Recycling is always good...

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Today we recycle.

But since I'm not recycling my own post, it's more like.. um.... spreading the good news. Warty Mammal, purveyor of all things ridiculous and funny, posted this link. Which before I poached from her, she poached from Slate.

Check this out - a slideshow on "feminine hygiene product" (i.e. tampax) ads, as compared to cigarette ads. It's freakishly funny...  Go read it.

NOW.
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Friday, April 16, 2010

Nature vs. .... ME.

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Warning: This post involves scatalogical issues, blood and gore and general heartlessness on my part. It might be unsuitable for some audiences. On the other hand, the very thought of blood and gore might reel you right in. Feel free to proceed. Or not.

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You know.

When you climb the stairs to the main floor of the cottage and the first thing you see is squirrel poop all over the floor, you know it's going to be a pain in the ass weekend.

Because poop on the floor entails poop on the counters, on the table, in the bed. Pretty much everywhere you don't want poop to reside. Poop in prodigious, mind boggling quantities, poop beyond your wildest dreams - if, of course, you're into scatalogical dreams.

And if you are? I really don't want to know.

At least he didn't get into the food.

All this poop obviously entails much vacuuming, stripping of beds, washing down/bleaching of countertops, tables, etc. And of course, possible ruining of jeans with said bleach. Jocelyn (I believe) once offered this nugget of wisdom: "Bleach Naked", which is all well and nice in certain circumstances, but when it's deep winter and about 3 degrees above freezing in the house, overall not the most user friendly idea evah.

Indeed, naked and frigid are concepts that do not sit well with me when placed side by side, or one surrounding the other as it were. Hell, frigid is a concept that doesn't sit well with me, period.


But I digress. Always I digress. What's with the digressifying.... CONCENTRATE Jazz!!! I blame menobrain. Yep, I do. Um. So...

All this poop obviously means a squirrel got into the house - a little red one like this dude, they grey ones are either too big or to stupid to find their way in. I actually quite like them, they're redheads and they have major attitude. But they shit entirely too much. How can a 200 gram rodent fabricate that much poo? Did I mention there was poo all over the place? Felt like it was pretty much carpeted in excrement. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating.

But just a little. The cottage was definitely poopy.

So yeah, they're cute, they're smartasses, and I really like them. Except when they find their way into the house, which happens every couple of years. They try to make you believe they just happened to wander in through some crack somewhere and needed to relieve themselves. Be that as it may, in such a case, in the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, "Of course you realize, this means war".

A war to the death.  Yours not mine Red. I'm bigger, I'm smarter and most of all, I'm meaner.

I hauled out the rat trap** that hadn't seen action for a couple of years (last time Red - probably this guy's great grandfather - tripped the trap, got the peanut and vanished, leaving behind only a whisker or two. He was a smart one who deserved to live), baited it with a peanut and wandered back upstairs for a well deserved and very stiff drink - all that vacuuming, bleaching, changing of bed linens and baiting of traps that I tend to trip myself and squwoosh my finger in, on a Friday evening is utterly exhausting.

Knowing that the little buggers are diurnal, I figured we'd be ok until the next day.

We were.

Until breakfast when I heard the fatal crack (of course he couldn't have waited until after breakfast, no he had to ruin my appetite).

And so, downstairs I went, grabbing a pair of gardening gloves along the way. Poor thing hadn't even gotten the peanut. He lay there convulsing on the floor, blood spreading beneath him.

It was totally a Sopranos moment, it was. Totally.

So I picked him up gently and wrung his pretty red neck - amazing how hard that is considering his tiny size. You'd think it'd snap like a twig, but nope, more like a somewhat bigger branch. Aaaanyway.

Then I threw him outside, where, within a half hour, a crow made off with the corpse. I'm a big fan of recycling I am. To quote Bugs again: "Ain't I a stinker!".


Then I promptly collapsed into Mr. Jazz's arms shaking like a leaf. Why I didn't just back off and tell him, "Dude, you're the guy, you do it", I'll never know. It was one of those moments where you know what has to be done so you just do it without thinking. Easily actually. It's so very very bizarre.

So, after a mouse and a squirrel, I guess next on the list is a cat. They say serial killers tend to graduate this way to larger and larger animals... Food for thought.

** Yes one of those evil kill traps. Cause if the thing gets in and we don't catch it before the weekend is over, there's no point in having a live trap since it'll simply slowly die of thirst or hunger over the week. Quick and neat is the way to go. And believe me, there are enough of them out there that one less won't make much of a difference. The Darwin Awards principle at work - if it's stupid enough to get caught it deserves to die. Viz, great granddad who I was most definitely pulling for, though he probably ended up eaten by a cat. Or Bugs Bunny.
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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The grim reaper...

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A blog is a broadcast, not a publication. If it stops moving, it dies.  - Andrew Sullivan


Gasp, gasp...

Shudder....
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Thursday, April 01, 2010

Friday funny... oops, Thursday

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Disclaimer:  I have nothing against Christians, I know people who have a great faith in god and if that works for them fine, I totally respect it, just as they respect my point of view. This website is a riot though, in its exposure of the clichés - many of which anyone who has had an encounter with the evangelical types has been exposed too. That's where the mind boggles. But hey, whatever floats your boat, so long as you don't try to sink mine. So, in the spirit in which this was intended, have fun.



First I'd like to thank Rachel for posting this; it's so hysterical, I just have to share.

The following gems are from the I am a atheist website (and thanks again Rachel). And go to the site, their homepage is laugh out loud funny.

For instance - Atheist Rights and Responsibilities:

As a moral atheist you have a number of rights and responsibilities. These include (but are not limited to):
  1. Have no gods.
  2. Don't worship stuff.
  3. Be polite.
  4. Take a day off once in a while.
  5. Be nice to folks.
  6. Don't kill people.
  7. Don't cheat on your significant other.
  8. Don't steal stuff.
  9. Don't lie about stuff.
  10. Don't be greedy.
Remember, theists may condemn you for living by this code because you are doing it of your own free will instead of because you're afraid that if you don't a supreme being will set you on fire.


And of course - Arguments Against Atheism   (I have been handed several of these over the years, some more than once - I wish I had had these answers...) :

As an atheist, you will occasionally meet a non-atheist who wishes to argue against your belief system. If you are interested in discussing the matter, you may want to prepare yourself by learning these simple responses to common anti-atheist arguments.

The Bible says that atheism is wrong. (I just stared when I was served this. If the bible says it, it's proof obviously - how does that follow?...)
"The Bible also says some guy's donkey talked."

If you believe in God and are wrong, then it's no big deal, but if you don't believe in God and are wrong, you'll be punished eternally, so it's not a good idea to be an atheist.
"What if you're wrong that God prefers unthinking self-righteous toadies to honest people who try and live a good life?"

Deep down you really believe in God. (The most rational of arguments, I think I got this one most)
"Deep down, you really don't believe that."

You're only saying you're an atheist to rebel against authority.
"And if the Beatles grew long hair to rebel against authority, then they really had no hair -- is that what you're saying?"

You probably are an atheist because you had a bad experience as a child.
"You probably worship God because you hate your real father."

There are no atheists in foxholes.
"Probably because we have less excuses to start wars."

If you don't believe in God, you'll go to Hell! (No, I think actually this is the most frequent one - my answer: It's your hell, you go burn in it)
"If you don't stop believing in God right now, I'll punch you in the face."

Why are you mad at God?
"Because he's supposed to be all good but he doesn't even have the common decency to exist."

Atheists are Satanic.
"Just like theists are agnostic?"

Without God there is no morality. (This one too rendered me speechless, and angry actually)
"Are we talking about the God that ordered Moses to kill babies and asked people to set animals on fire because he liked the smell?"

God is perfect, and He couldn't be perfect if He didn't exist, which proves that He exists.
"No, it just proves he isn't perfect."

People who follow Jesus are good, so you should follow Jesus.
"Chemotherapy can cure cancer, so everyone should have chemotherapy."

Jesus was either a liar, a crazy person, or the son of God. He spoke against liars, and his behavior wasn't crazy, so the only remaining possibility is that he was the son of God.
"So you're telling me that if a polite, honest-looking, well-spoken, nicely dressed man walked up to you on the street and introduced himself as the earthly incarnation of God, you'd figure he probably is? Have you considered the possibility that you're the one who is crazy?"

There were eye witnesses that Jesus worked miracles.
"There are eye witnesses that Bigfoot exists, Uri Geller works miracles, and aliens abduct people."

Most people who know about Jesus believe in Him.
"If most people jumped off a bridge..."

I know from personal experience that God exists.
"No he doesn't. He told me so himself."

God wants you to believe in him without rational proof.
"Then he's certainly doing a fine job of not tempting me with evidence."

You say you don't believe that God exists, but the word "God" is meaningless if there is no such thing, so you are admitting that God exists even as you deny his existence. (This one is brilliant in its very "convolutedness")
"That reminds me, I don't believe you owe me $100."

Hitler was an atheist.
"I don't know about Hitler's religion, but I do know that he was heterosexual, so can I assume you're against that, too?"

Einstein believed in God. Do you think you're smarter than Einstein?
"If he believed in God, yes."

The founding fathers intended the United States to be a Christian nation. Atheists aren't welcome.
"Are you sticking with the whole 'slavery' thing, too?"

The universe is so complex that someone must have designed it.
"I don't know -- that sentence was fairly complex but there was obviously not much thought behind it."

Atheists believe in evolution, but if we teach our children evolution in public school they will believe that they are no better than animals and will grow up immoral.
"I've met public school children. Most of them aren't any better than animals."

Evolution violates the second law of thermodynamics.
"No, but God does."

Well, evolution's only a theory.
"So's your old man."

How can you not believe in Jesus Christ when the evidence is overwhelming? (Ah yes, this one. I don't NOT believe in JC, historically, that is. Which has nothing to do with divinity)
"Well, Jesus's divinity is only a theory."

There's proof that God exists, like the Bible and miracles.
"If your twenty-year-old son still believes in Santa Claus because he read a book about Santa visiting and presents magically appeared on Christmas morning when he was a child, would you praise him for having faith in the face of overwhelming evidence or call him an idiot?"

My parents raised me to believe in God. Are you calling my parents liars? (What can you answer to such an argument, really?)
"Can we talk about the Tooth Fairy for a minute?"

There are so many wonderful things in the world, how can you say there is no God?
"It's really pretty easy: 'There is no god.' See?"

There is so much beauty in the world that only God could have created it.
"My wife's beautiful, and my mother-in-law made her."

If there is no Heaven, then where do you go when you die?
"The same place you were before you were conceived, I assume."

You can't prove God doesn't exist. (Never ever answer - "and you can't prove that he does", it only brings on the miracles and bible and the world is beautiful argument - The perfect Catch-22)
"So?"

You don't know everything.
"Do you?"

You can't see air, but you believe in it. (Actually, I don't believe in air, anymore than I believe in wood or glass or water. It's there, it's a fact, not a belief)
"I can't see ignorance, but I can smell it. Right now, in fact."

You can't see love, but you believe in it.
"And I agree that god, like love, is just a concept."

God made His image appear in this tortilla!
(Eats tortilla)

You call yourself an atheist but you have faith. Everyone has faith in something. (Yep, I have faith in my brain and my ability to reason - at least for now, some days I doubt that too - and no doubt so does BB for that matter)
"I have faith that this conversation isn't going anywhere. Bye!"