Dear #&%**#/....

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Dear Provincial Government,

Yes, that time has rolled around again. It's tax time. Tax forms have been received, heads have been shaken, T-4s and RRSP* receipts have been gathered and we're all gearing up to sit down and beat our collective heads against the desk until April 30th the OMG-they're-not-done-wotamigonnado!!! date.

But here in Quebec, unlike the ROC**, we have that wonderful little extra, that lovely thing that makes all the difference in the world.

We get to file two tax returns

Count 'em Mr. Government. TWO. Because some brilliant imbeciles, lo these many years ago, stamped their dainty feet and insisted Quebec should have it's own separate tax system***, thus making the bureaucracy even heavier, and justifying squeezing more taxes out of me.

And so...

Not only do I give both levels of government about half (if not more) of my hard earned cash in the form of taxes both hidden and not, you insist on rubbing my face in it by making me do two different returns.

"Hey you! Moron! Not only am I shafting you all year long with sales taxes and taxes on wine and cheese and gas and pretty much anything else I can think of (hmmm, how could I tax sex and breathing??), now I'm taking my cut on your measly salary, giving you no services in return, and making you do the paperwork twice!! I am government, hear me roar. Plus, I fart in your general direction."

Give us a break, ferchrissake! The ROC just files one return, the feds send the provincials their money (or somesuch, how the hell would I know, I live in the twilight zone that is Quebec), everyone is happy and so many more trees survive.

If nothing else, think of the trees.

Ecologically,

Jazz

* Registered Retirement Savings Plan, you know that hunk of cash that's supposed to take you through your "golden years"? The one that's basically gone now with the recession? That's an RRSP - I think you Americans call it a 401-K.

**Rest of Canada - because everyone knows that Quebec is the centre of the universe known and unknown. At least we Quebecers know it.

*** this was before the Parti Québecois, so for those who think they have the monopoly on idiocy, I beg to differ

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Dear Gallery Owner,

I love art. I do. And that piece you have on the wall? I would so love to stand before it for a quarter hour or so and drink it in. Even seeing it through the window... well my dried out, blackened husk of a heart is all aflutter.

What I do not love, what, in fact I loathe, is galleries* whose doors are locked because no one who can't spend $12,000 on a piece of art is welcome.

You're right though, if I were allowed to sully the floor of you gallery, I would undoubtedly not leave with a $12,000 painting under my arm - or even a $700 one for that matter.

However, if the artists I know represent the norm, I think most artists want their stuff seen and appreciated, even if a good portion of the people seeing and appreciating can't afford to buy it.

Basically, you're perpetuating the stereotype that only the rich can appreciate art.

And that pisses me off mightily.

Frothing at the mouthedly,

Jazz

PS: Yes, I know that's not your piece. It's Marcel Duchamp's "Nude Descending a Staircase". Not only do I know the title and the painter, it's one of my favourite pieces of contemporary art - so screw you and the horse you came in on, you snooty bitch.

* Is this the right term? In French a gallery is basically a store where they hang art nicely and sell it - behind locked doors in lots of cases. In English a gallery seems to refer to a museum. Help me out here anglos!

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Dear RRSP People,

Finally. FINALLY!! yesterday I received my last RRSP receipt for January/February 2009 to include in my 2008 tax return.*

I'd like to have you note that I received the last receipts for my other RRSP during the first week of March. But yours, as usual has arrived as usual, over half way through the month!

This my friends, is only one of the many reasons I'm transferring my money to someone else.

I would also like to point out, that half the money invested in January/February is missing from the receipt. HALF. OF. IT. IS MISSING!!!

Yeah, oops you fucking bunch of idiots.

Sure, it's just a few hundred bucks, but if it allows me to wring just $0.50 from the tight fisted government bureaucrats, I want that $0.50.

Which means I'll have to deal with your bureaucracy. Which means I'll have to jump through a million goddamn hoops to get the receipt fixed. Which means that I'll have to prove I'm right because y'all would never fucking make a mistake. Which means arguments and annoyance galore and probably receiving the new receipt on April 30 or something like that.

But make no mistake, I am ready for battle, I am really annoyed and anyone who stands in my way will be trampled. Cause you see, unlike most of humanity, my taxes are done. This was the only fucking stupid piece of paper I needed to send them on their merry way and get my money back. And I am mad. Waiting months for my refund, as will happen if the returns are sent last minute was not part of my plan.

Obviously, my decision to flush you down the toilet of ignominy was the right one.

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways.

Loathingly,

Jazz

* Don't ask. We can include RRSP income from th first two months of the year in our tax return for the previous year. I have no freaking clue why.
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