Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dear #&%**#/....

Dear Provincial Government,

Yes, that time has rolled around again. It's tax time. Tax forms have been received, heads have been shaken, T-4s and RRSP* receipts have been gathered and we're all gearing up to sit down and beat our collective heads against the desk until April 30th the OMG-they're-not-done-wotamigonnado!!! date.

But here in Quebec, unlike the ROC**, we have that wonderful little extra, that lovely thing that makes all the difference in the world.

We get to file two tax returns

Count 'em Mr. Government. TWO. Because some brilliant imbeciles, lo these many years ago, stamped their dainty feet and insisted Quebec should have it's own separate tax system***, thus making the bureaucracy even heavier, and justifying squeezing more taxes out of me.

And so...

Not only do I give both levels of government about half (if not more) of my hard earned cash in the form of taxes both hidden and not, you insist on rubbing my face in it by making me do two different returns.

"Hey you! Moron! Not only am I shafting you all year long with sales taxes and taxes on wine and cheese and gas and pretty much anything else I can think of (hmmm, how could I tax sex and breathing??), now I'm taking my cut on your measly salary, giving you no services in return, and making you do the paperwork twice!! I am government, hear me roar. Plus, I fart in your general direction."

Give us a break, ferchrissake! The ROC just files one return, the feds send the provincials their money (or somesuch, how the hell would I know, I live in the twilight zone that is Quebec), everyone is happy and so many more trees survive.

If nothing else, think of the trees.



* Registered Retirement Savings Plan, you know that hunk of cash that's supposed to take you through your "golden years"? The one that's basically gone now with the recession? That's an RRSP - I think you Americans call it a 401-K.

**Rest of Canada - because everyone knows that Quebec is the centre of the universe known and unknown. At least we Quebecers know it.

*** this was before the Parti Québecois, so for those who think they have the monopoly on idiocy, I beg to differ


Dear Gallery Owner,

I love art. I do. And that piece you have on the wall? I would so love to stand before it for a quarter hour or so and drink it in. Even seeing it through the window... well my dried out, blackened husk of a heart is all aflutter.

What I do not love, what, in fact I loathe, is galleries* whose doors are locked because no one who can't spend $12,000 on a piece of art is welcome.

You're right though, if I were allowed to sully the floor of you gallery, I would undoubtedly not leave with a $12,000 painting under my arm - or even a $700 one for that matter.

However, if the artists I know represent the norm, I think most artists want their stuff seen and appreciated, even if a good portion of the people seeing and appreciating can't afford to buy it.

Basically, you're perpetuating the stereotype that only the rich can appreciate art.

And that pisses me off mightily.

Frothing at the mouthedly,


PS: Yes, I know that's not your piece. It's Marcel Duchamp's "Nude Descending a Staircase". Not only do I know the title and the painter, it's one of my favourite pieces of contemporary art - so screw you and the horse you came in on, you snooty bitch.

* Is this the right term? In French a gallery is basically a store where they hang art nicely and sell it - behind locked doors in lots of cases. In English a gallery seems to refer to a museum. Help me out here anglos!


Dear RRSP People,

Finally. FINALLY!! yesterday I received my last RRSP receipt for January/February 2009 to include in my 2008 tax return.*

I'd like to have you note that I received the last receipts for my other RRSP during the first week of March. But yours, as usual has arrived as usual, over half way through the month!

This my friends, is only one of the many reasons I'm transferring my money to someone else.

I would also like to point out, that half the money invested in January/February is missing from the receipt. HALF. OF. IT. IS MISSING!!!

Yeah, oops you fucking bunch of idiots.

Sure, it's just a few hundred bucks, but if it allows me to wring just $0.50 from the tight fisted government bureaucrats, I want that $0.50.

Which means I'll have to deal with your bureaucracy. Which means I'll have to jump through a million goddamn hoops to get the receipt fixed. Which means that I'll have to prove I'm right because y'all would never fucking make a mistake. Which means arguments and annoyance galore and probably receiving the new receipt on April 30 or something like that.

But make no mistake, I am ready for battle, I am really annoyed and anyone who stands in my way will be trampled. Cause you see, unlike most of humanity, my taxes are done. This was the only fucking stupid piece of paper I needed to send them on their merry way and get my money back. And I am mad. Waiting months for my refund, as will happen if the returns are sent last minute was not part of my plan.

Obviously, my decision to flush you down the toilet of ignominy was the right one.

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways.



* Don't ask. We can include RRSP income from th first two months of the year in our tax return for the previous year. I have no freaking clue why.


furiousBall said...

if i were you, i'd hunker down with a couple bowls of poutine and blow farts all over those pretentious asses at the art museum, think of it as performance fart.. erm, art

Mr. Jazz said...

On another totally unrelated note, it has now been spring for a few hours and this alone should make you forget the insanity of tax season. That and the fact that you are about 7 hours away from happy hour @ the cottage...

Jazz said...

Furball - Performance fart!!! Bwah

Mr. Jazz - Ah, happy hour at the cottage. You just made my day.

Anonymous said...

It's funny (not "ha ha funny") we were visiting my parents back during the holidaze, and stopped in at local gallery to check things out. They were selling "original pieces" for 1,000 up to 3,000...but when you went and looked closer at the pieces, you could tell they were prints on canvas that had had a bit of paint smudged over them to give them some texture.

WTF? (and the snooty attitude on top of that....yeesh)

Ian Lidster said...

I love you so much because you reflect my thoughts on virtually all of the above, and that saves me having to write about it. So, bankers, insurance company execs and tax folk (actually all federal/feudal snivel servants) are all going to hell. Or, if they go to heaven, then I want to go to hell.

Jocelyn said...

Taxes are as dumb as bail-outs: so complicated everyone just rolls over and sucks it up.

"Gallery" is both a museum and a storefront/display place for art, says this anglo.

We have federal and state taxes, doubling the agony, too. Feh.

Anonymous said...

I've never been to a locked gallery. I would be very annoyed if I got to a gallery with the intention of looking at some art and the doors were locked. How do they know you're not going to buy something? Is it always locked? Is there a secret knock to get in? How do they sell stuff? Maybe they're just afraid of vandals coming in off the street and trashing stuff for fun.

geewits said...

~~You seem to have a bad case of menotaxation.

If it's for sale it's a gallery, if it's not it's a museum. But maybe that's just in the world according to me.

Hope you have a great weekend!

Voyager said...

Jazz, an art gallery here is either type: the museum kind or the "you can buy this if you sell your Bently". But locked doors? I've never seen that.
Oh, and Ian, re you're comment above, I am a federal snivel servant. Who has not had a pay raise since 2004, and the government has just legislated a cap on any raise we will now get to 1.5 percent. So I deserve to snivel! And trust me I have nothing to do with the tax department.

noha said...

Heheh.I love that first comic.

Anonymous said...

You aren't alone on this, we file both federal and state returns.

Jazz said...

Cyn - That's just... well robbery actually...

Ian - I'm sure we'll both end up in hell ourselves...

Joce - Funny thing. Income tax was established in Canada as a temporary measure during the first world war to help finance the carnage. Temporary being the operative word here.

XUP - Maybe there is a secret knock, and I'm just not in the know. And maybe the rich just call ahead or something...

Geewits - Menotaxation! Bwwwahahahaha

Voyager - Dontcha love how the government unilaterally decides you don't deserve a decent raise? Do the MPs have a cap on their raises???

Noha - Glad you enjoyed it.

Citizen - Why why why do they do this to us?

Suldog said...

I love a good rant! Thanks!

Ricë said...

yeah--if you can buy stuff there, it's a gallery. i agree completely about it fostering the stupid attitude that only the wealthy should own and can appreciate art. good lord. but even worse: the people who "produce art" and put huge price tags on it so that only the wealthy can afford it. are they artists? or are they whores?

Jazz said...

Suldog - You're ever so welcome. That's high praise indeed coming from the master.

Ricë - Pisses me off that attitude does. As for the artists, I guess if you want to earn a living from your art, you have to sell it at a high enough price to... well earn a living. I suppose artists don't sell that many pieces a year. On the other hand, is that because of the prices? All I know is I can't pay thousands for art. Nor can I pay hundreds actually. I gotta eat and all that dumb stuff.