Friday, March 13, 2009

Friday Correspondence

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I think it's time for some correspondence... Stupidity seems to be on the rise, maybe it's the never ending winter...


Dear Guy on the phone,

Yeah, so maybe someone DID call your cell from here. There are 15 people here and they don't let me know who they call and when. So if someone calls your, please listen to your damn voicemail before calling me. Cause dude? I am NOT going to run around the office trying to find who called you. And if they didn't leave a message, well hell, maybe they decided they didn't need to talk to you after all. I wouldn't want to talk to you.

Deal with it. If your identity is THAT wrapped up in your messages you really really need to get a life.

Eye rollingly,

Jazz

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Dear Messenger,

I don't care if your package has my address on it. We are not Company XYZ Limited and Mr. ABC doesn't work here and I can't just pull 'em out of my ass to make your job easier. Don't argue with me. I'll win.

Now go away.

Annoyedly,

Jazz

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Dear Coffee delivery guy,

Why are you bringing me a box of coffee with a bill when I didn't order any? If we haven't ordered coffee in six months it's cause we haven't been drinking coffee for six months. The coffee drinkers all seem to have left the company. Does that mean anything in the cosmic scheme of things? I have no clue. But I don't need coffee and I will not accept and pay for a box of coffee. Unless you give it to me for free. I'm cheap that way.

You can tell your boss that.

What is wrong with you people today?

More annoyed,

Jazz

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Dear idiot on the elevator,

So what if it's Friday the 13th for the second month in a row? That's bound to be the case as February only has 28 days.

It's not a sign, it's simple mathematics. 4 times 7 = 28. Get it now?

Hell, I'm numerically challenged and I managed to figure it out.

It's all about numbers, nothing bad will happen to you.

Decidedly unsuperstitiously,

Jazz

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Dear Purolator and UPS guys, and my mail carrier,

All three of you are sweethearts. You know my name. We always chat. I love all three of you and have no snark at all.

Nope. I got nuttin' for you.

Lovingly,

Jazz

*********************************************


Dear Jazz

Remember your age. Weeknight parties are no longer an alternative. You are an idiot if you think they are.

Hungoveredly,

Jazz

13 comments:

Big Brother said...

What lil' sister, is age catching up with you? ;o)

furiousBall said...

that Guy on the phone, you're gonna get it.. right in the goodies

ticknart said...

Well, it's Friday, and at least you don 't have a guy who has been TRYING to sing "These Eyes" for the last three days.

Suldog said...

All magnificent responses to preposterous situations (except the UPS, Purolator, and mailman thing - that was just nice and, from my experience, deserved.)

I gave up on the weeknight partying thing close to 20 years ago now. As a matter of fact, the weekends are iffy these days :-)

raino said...

love the letters and especially the last one! funny.

Pouty Lips said...

Maybe you could add a letter to my boss for calling me at home on Friday's on my days off?

Dear shit for brains,
Please remove my home number from your rolodex, blackberry, and email contact lists because Friday is my day not to be polluted by your codswallop.

citizen of the world said...

All these letters had me giggling. Man, I hate it when I leave a message and the person opts to just hit the return call buttona nd force me to go through it again. But at least I don't have to sort through who might have made the call in the first place!

lime said...

wondering if the last one had anythign to do with the first few. *snicker


*ducks and runs

XUP said...

I want to send a note to the person who called and left me messages all week to call her and when I call her she's not there and when I finally got in touch with her she only wanted to tell me about a date for an appointment. Now why couldn't she have just told me that on her first message and then I could have called back to confirm instead of all these freakin' messages back and forth all week?

Ian Lidster said...

You did just a fine job. Hey, math moron that I am, I too figured out the Friday the 13th coming twice thing. Weekday partying? Not for ever so many years.

pinklea said...

Hey, I figured out the double Friday the 13th thing too! Maybe we're not the math idiots we think we are? (She said hopefully.)

Jocelyn said...

Oh, holy jeebus yes on the no hangovers business. I have completely stopped trying to think I can weather the odd "too much to drink night," as I now pay for it for about three days afterwards. I can't do the wild excess anymore.

It's all about slow, steady drinking every night for me now.

VioletSky said...

It is hard to be civil sometimes, yes?

Love that martini glass.