Dear Mayor Tremblay...

Today on my way to work I heard the most stupid thing to hit my ears in a long long time. Amazingly stupid actually. At first I thought I hadn't woken up yet and was still in my comfy bed dreaming deranged dreams. Alas I wasn't.

Now, I know municipal elections in the province will be held Sunday. And I'm sure with all the corruption scandals hitting your administration in the last couple of weeks you must be scrambling. Because of course they held it all under their belts until the campaign was well under way to exert maximum pain. Sneaky bastards aren't they? And yeah, of course they're no better, they're just doing better at covering their tracks. For now.

But !

But to put out a radio commercial* saying:  "Let's talk about integrity. Did the mayor know or didn't he? Let's put it this way, if you're working in a company and your colleague does something dishonest, do you think he'll go tell the boss about it? Or you? No, he won't, of course he won't! I had no idea but I have integrity and as soon as I found out about all this I took measures." (Note - contents of commercial updated after hearing it yet AGAIN!!)

Mr. Tremblay, let me impart a bit of Jazz wisdom here:

A) Whining won't help. Seriously, stop whining, it's cringe inducing in a grown man.

B) You are the boss. You won the last election. It's your business to know.As top dog, sorry dude, but ultimately you are responsible. It's as simple as that. You and nobody else. You wanted the power, you also have to take the lumps that go along with it.

C) The whole "don't blame me it's not my fault" thing is pathetic at best. Put on your big boy jockey shorts and take responsibility for your administration. You're not in grade school anymore. And acting like you are won't get you re-elected.

Of course it might. We are in Montreal after all and clowns abound, so we'll see on Sunday won't we?

Cynically as ever,

Jazz

* Not even an interview. That you just hear once. A damn commercial that will be played over and over and over again... Oy man! Fire your campaign manager!!!

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Damn, it's cold in Quebec...

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I'm back.

Much to my dismay.

The picture post will have to wait - of course if you want pictures of Joshua Tree you can go here - the pictures aren't any different really from the last time we went. As for the other pics - honestly I just can't be bothered to spend the time getting a post together. Had you not been so prolific, forcing me to spend hours catching up on your stories, I might've made the effort.

Meh... probably not.

It's no fun starting the day at 39 degrees (Celsius) and arriving in Montreal still in the 30s - Farenheit this time. It freaking SNOWED the day we arrived!! That is just so wrong on so damn many levels I can't even begin to explain it if you don't understand. SNOW fer chrissake.... Someone shoot me now.

Things I've learned?

- I am made to live in the sunshine and heat. I was. I was born in the wrong country. If reincarnation does exist, I obviously was beyond evil in a previous life.

- It is patently unfair that Canadians like me are totally screwed in this regard. The warmest we can do is Vancouver where it rains 300 days a year. Yes it does Ian. It DOES!!!!! Americans have no idea how lucky they are to live in a country where they can actually go live in the warmth if they want.

- Hiking in the desert is beyond brilliant (Palm Canyon is an especial favourite)

- Hiking in the desert when it's 105 degrees and the sun is beating down on you mercilessly is highly overrated actually. Forget about hiking when it's 105 and there's no shade. At. All. Have a margarita instead. Or a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc by the pool.

- Sometimes a perfectly good hotel room seems like crap after nine days in a really cool, comfortable and extremely clean motel.

- Trader Joe's needs to open in Canada. In Montreal especially. Mr. Jazz and I could keep them afloat all on our own.

- You gotta love two days at the ocean after over a week in the desert. The contrast is loveley.

- It's 30 degrees (86F) in Palm Springs right now. It's hovering around freezing in Montreal. I rest my case.

- The 21st century has its good points - I've actually joined to the extent of getting an iPod (two actually, we got a nano and a classic, which holds all our music with space to spare - that sorta still boggles my mind - and the nano? it makes videos, has a stopwatch and a pedometer included... how useless and amusing is that. And for SO much cheaper than in Canada.

- PT Cruisers are - in my humble opinion - dumb excuses for cars. They're, like, girl cars. I hate PT Cruisers - but at least the one the rental place fobbed off on us wasn't white.

- What is the Californian (American?) obsession with trucks? Maybe not so much in LA, but as soon as you start going east, everyone has huge pickup trucks (I'm willing to give them sorta the benefit of the doubt as they might be work trucks - but probably not) or humongous SUVs - Escalades, Navigators, Hummers, Sequoias etc. Trucks made to go off road that will never ever see a dirt road, much less an off road track. I don't get it. Can someone explain this to me please?

- The Salton Sea is weird. Sorta creepy actually. More on that eventually.

- Redondo Beach, on the other hand is cool - cooler still is Hermosa beach, a half hour walk away.

- Like Geewits, I'm solar powered. And the fact that I'm back here does not make me happy. At all. Really. Not. At. All.

Now, I think I'll leave you, crawl into bed and moan listlessly for a time.

Goodnight.

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Aaaaaaand they're off!!

To paraphrase Led Zeppelin... Going to California.... on a big jet plane. Ok, I admit there's a lot of heartache lyrics missing here, but what the hell, it doesn't apply it's gone.  Call it artistic license. Or failure to actually search around for something that does fit...

'Cause I'm done California Dreamin' too. I'm on my way!!

Now, here's hoping our friends at Blogger won't hate me too much and post this as scheduled. Gotta love Blogger scheduling - if and when it works...

God how I love being on holidays with Mr. Jazz. And this is a first, a holiday with computer. Depending on how it goes (one computer, two people, how much time is spent  on it - somehow I think it won't be much) it might also be the last. But that is of no import here.

Cause people I.

AM.

AWAY!!

Away to California, land of sun and ocean, beaches and desert - and I will sample them all...

First stop: Palm Springs. Mecca of the geriatric and the gays. Bizarre mix, but there you go. The gays, lets face it, are much more fun - their evenings don't end at 6:00pm. But since I'm rapidly approaching geridom, coming here to practice seemed like an interesting plan. Nowadays, you see, I'm all about comfort and good wine and less so about the dormitory, outside toilet and backpack. I guess that's what old is all about...

On the program this time, back to Joshua Tree for hiking - cause there are so many places there we didn't manage to get to last time. We've been away 10 months and it's been way too long.

And hiking in Indian Canyon....

And hiking at San Jacinto...

And hiking at... We're on the way to gerridom, people. I didn't say we had arrived!

And wandering around at Salton Sea checking out the birds, among other things.
 
And to end up, a couple of days at Redondo Beach. 'Cause I need me my ocean fix before I take myself home. I need to breathe that smell, I need to hear the waves, I need to see the endless water before spending another several months cooped up in an office and wading through oceans of slush - much less interesting as oceans go, dontcha think?

And so from all of you to me and Mr. Jazz....


Have a great vacation!!!!

Correspondence - Gotta Love Public Transport

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Dear STM,

Wow, you got the really cool new 21st century system going dontcha? Those Opus chip cards. Just stick 'em in the machine and load 'em up with tickets or a monthly pass. It's all very ecological and shit. No more paper passes or tickets, reusable card. Kudos to you.

There's just one thing. A tiny thing but a fucking big annoyance nevertheless. Now, see, let me explain. I can load up to four different types of "fares" on my Opus card. As you mention in your website:

You can recharge your card with various transit fares, according to your needs. For example, you could load it with an STM monthly pass along with single fares to take RTL or STL buses.

That's great I think, it really is. Me? I really don't like loading my card often so I recharge with four packs of ten tickets - which will last me a couple of months.

But.

Yeah. you saw that coming didn't you?

But, I can't pay for the four packs with one swipe of my credit card. No. I have pay as I load each pack. Four times $20 in about two minutes. What happens? Each time my damn credit card has a fraud alert put on it, and I have to call the credit card company to confirm my purchases.

Because you. Are. A. Bunch. Of. MORONS!! who never thought your damn system through.

Ticketed off-edly

Jazz

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Dear credit card company.

How many times has this happened now? Three? Four? I understand the computer analyzes my spending habits, but by the third or fourth time, you'd think the computer would have caught on to the fact that every couple of months I make four $20 payments in about two and a half minutes.

What the hell do I need to do in order to establish this as a spending habit?  Can't you put a note in my file to not bother calliing when that happens and just unlock the damn card???

Yes, yes, my safety first. You're on the ball, that's for damn sure.

But I can't help but wonder if you'll "fraud out" my credit card when I go on vacation this weekend?

Chargedly,

Jazz

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Dear moron on the subway,

I was giving my seat to the hugely pregnant woman who got onto the subway at the same stop as you did. Not to you. You're only thirty and despite the business suit and that laptop you have to carry, I'm sure you can stand for a few stops. Get the hell over yourself.

To your credit though, when I loudly said, "that seat wasn't for you, it's for the hugely pregnant woman standing next to you" you sheepishly got up.

Kudos to you. The Jazzer, she is impressed

Eye-rolledly,

Jazz
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An Award! You really really like me!

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Bonnie, of Original Art Studio has just graciously bestowed on me the Over the Top Award. I don't quite get how whole girl in the apron is over the top, but Bonnie didn't conceive it, she just passed it on so I won't demand an explanation. The only thing I can think of is that the person who came up with this must have a boring life indeed if wearing an apron (with clothes underneath no less!) is to be considered over the top... Of course, me in an apron would definitely be over the top - y'all know about me and kitchens - not so much, right? But that's a whole other non-award thing.


Honestly, I'm not quite sure whether this is an honour or whether Bonnie has decided she hates me because this one involves a LOT of work. But seeing as I'm Blogless inMontreal - as opposed to Sleepless wherever, here we go...

The rules are:

Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's quite tricky to use only one word answers! Once you have filled it out be sure to pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers. Alert them that they have been awarded! Have fun!

1. Where is your cell phone? Nowhere
2. Your hair? Grey
3. Your mother? Wise
4. Your father? Dead
5. Your favorite food? Edible
6. Your dream last night? Rock bands and motels (granted, it's more than one word, but there's no way to distill it to one word. And as for the dream... don't ask.)
7. Your favorite drink? Blood
8. Your dream/goal? Breathing
9. What room are you in? Office
10. Your hobby? Living
11. Your fear? Winter
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? 54
13. Where were you last night? Um....
14. Something that you aren't? Male
15. Muffins? Sure
16. Wish list item? Python
17. Where did you grow up? Around
18. Last thing you did? This
19. What are you wearing? Clothes
20. Your TV? Off
21. Your pets? Dead
22. Friends? Some
23. Your life? There
24. Your mood? Altered
25. Missing someone? No
26. Vehicle? Yes
27. Something you're not wearing? Leather
28. Your favorite store? Book
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Saturday
32. Your best friend? Imaginary
33. One place that I go to over and over? Loo
34. One person who emails me regularly? Viagra
35. Favorite place to eat? Plate

That was ridiculously long - even for one word answers...

My six:

Choochoo - cause she's more than slightly insane, bored out of her tree and this might undull her for five minutes.

Lime - cause she's great at memes. Seriously, have you ever seen what Lime does to a meme? It's almost scary.

Suldog - cause he's, well, over the top. Plus he does wonderful things with awards - namely rip the person who sent it to him to shreds. I'm a masochist I am.

Geewits - her brain is a marvelous place. Plus she'll keep it for herself and not pass on the agony.

Fragrant Liar - well, you read her birthday post. What? You didn't ?? Get yourself over to her blog right away!

Jocelyn - Read her stories. You'll understand.

Rachel - 'Cause she seems to be into lists this week, and this could be construed as a list if you have enough imagination.

Yeah, I know, that's seven. I took the time to answer 35 dumb questions, so I have earned the right to do as I please... Rules Schmules.
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Must See Post

Fragrant Liar has a wonderful post up on... um... ageing.

Anyone over the age of 45, or getting there or thinking that despite all evidence to the contrary they'll never get older (get the hell out of Neverland people!) must read this. Check it out here.

A couple of excerpts to hook you...


Thirty years ago, I looked at my current age as far off in the future, in a land far, far away where gravity was of infinitesimal consequence. Time was something alien and against my primal mantra of I am young, I am invincible, I am the skinny girl with perky breasts.

(...)

These days as I prepare to speak, my measureless experiences crowd into my frontal lobe, jockeying for position to blast off my tongue first. Pick me, pick me, they clamor. And I reply tacitly, First come, first served. One thought breaks through the throng and lines up on the launching pad that is my tongue. It's coming . . . it's coming . . . Wait for it. It's . . . it's . . . gone. I am flustered and humbled by the ever-insidious brain fart.

I swear, the woman has been messing around in my brain. But enough about me, go there, go there now! And while you're at it, become a regular.

Because she's a great writer with a wicked sense of humour - I only wish I could write like her.

And because I said so.


PS: No, I'm not blogging at 8:00 am on a Saturday. I have a life. Which at this moment is being slept away, or maybe sexed away. Neither of which is wasted time. Gotta love blogger scheduling!

In the news...

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Winner of the stupid headline prize for today:

"Typhoon's devastation spares no one - not even children"

Um... Children should miraculously start floating in the air when disaster strikes? Who the hell wrote that line?


Winner of the D'oh!!!* prize of the day:

Stephen Harper, our "beloved" PM, for saying that Canada has no history of colonialism**.

First nation leaders are understandably rather pissed off at the comment.


And in the What-The-Fuck-Is-Wrong-With-These-People file...

One of our offices has no internet today. Bell Canada cut off their service because they weren't paying their bills, which stopped coming a couple of months ago.

Our question: Why did they stop coming?

Bell's answer: Because we weren't notified about your move..

For the record, the office moved 2 years ago, and they managed to send the bills for both phone and internet service for all that time. To the new address...

???

* aka the open-mouth-insert-foot prize
** no doubt he will argue that he meant that Canadians per se didn't colonize Canada. It's the brits' and frogs' fault. Won't fly you moron.

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