Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Correspondence is a Dying Art

So I thought I'd do my part to keep it alive:

Dear Pfizer:

Ah the ubiquitous Viagra. The pill that has created more wood than a rain forest....

Maybe you should distribute some free to your ad agency, or whoever the hell actually approves your commercials, 'cause really? They suck.

The "Good Morning" ad with the people dancing in the streets singing was cute there for a while (much less so after 50,000 viewings - can so many men really not get it up?). At least it made me smile the first 5-10 times I saw it.

But the speaking in tongues one? What the hell is the point to that? The only thing I can see is that Viagra makes you so stupid you forget how to talk coherently. Nice.. That's just what I want after doing the horizontal boogie. Conversation with someone totally incoherent because the little blue pill makes him stupid. Am I missing something here? Is it because the blood is extremely tardy in leaving the nether regions to get back to the head? After all as Robin Williams once famously quipped: A man has enough blood to run his head and his penis, but not both at the same time. But if that's the case, and the next day at the bowling alley you're still speaking in tongues, well hell, that has to be painful.

How much, exactly did you pay for these spots? Money wasted. Just sayin' 'n all.



(For our American friends, Zellers is a store that can be situated somewhere between Target and Kmart I suppose. Not as good as the first but better than that latter.)

Dear Zellers:

A couple of weeks ago you decided to give us a break because of the new value of the Canadian dollar. How good of you. Items in your stores will be priced downwards 5% to 20%. How very thoughtful of you. How wonderfully forward thinking.

Fifty items in your stores will be priced down. Fifty! What proportion of the products you carry would that actually be? How many thousands of products do you carry exactly? What did you mark down? Bobby pins and thread?

Do you really think we're that stupid? Ok, you're right, most people probably are dumb enough to think you're really helping us out. As of today the Loonie is worth $1.08 US. Make a real effort why dontcha...




Dear Lotto Quebec:

Your latest radio commercial completely sucks. There seems to be a lot of that going around today. Let me remind you what it's about:

A phone rings, a voice mail comes on. A person starts talking: Hello John. Nice to talk to you. You've always been an idiot John, you've always been mean and dismissive. You've never wanted to join us in our Lotto pool. Well guess what John, we won the grand prize. (several other voices join in) Have a good day at work John!

Now granted it's funny in a stick-it-to-John sorta way. We all have Johns in our lives (ok, that sounds totally wrong but I won't change his name). But why did no one ever tell John he was a prick to his face?

Selling lottery tickets on the premise that it'll allow you say fuck you to people just seems somehow wrong. Appealing to people's baser nature so blatently sticks in my thoat. There's gotta be a more subtle way. Especially from people who have spots on TV all the time about getting help for gambling...




Dear Brunet Pharmacy,

Call Lotto Quebec. Send them a copy of your latest commercial. It is somewhat along the same lines. But it is funny funny funny. Let me remind you which one I'm talking about:

A beautiful bountifully bouncily boobed blonde (now that is alliteration!) says "I do"; cut to her soon to be husband who is about 105 and probably takes Viagra by the bottleful. He leers and says "I do".

Cut to an orphanage in Africa. The nun looks at the other nun and exclaims "$34 million!?" Second nun: "It was left to us by Ocar Poulin!!!" First nun "Who is Oscar Poulin?" Second nun shrugs. First nun: "Oscar Poulin!!! $34 million!! Thank you Oscar Poulin!"

Cut to happily ginning bride. Voice over says: The most important thing is that you have your health...

End commercial.

Now that is how you appeal to people's bitchy instincts.




Dear Municipal and Provincial Governments,

On Halloween the Federal government announced tax cuts and a 1% decrease of the sales tax, due to all the money they have lying around. I can't help but wonder why they didn't announce they were paying down some of the country's debt with all that surplus, but I'll have to write them directly about that. 'Cause me, if I have both surplus and debt, the equation isn't all that hard to resolve. And it's not like I'm some sort of math genius or anything; hell, I still sometimes count on my fingers.

We couldn't help but wonder how you guys were going to manage to get those few dollars to fly from our pocket into yours. 'Cause what one god giveth, the other taketh away, gods being the greedy fuckers they are.

Well, it seems there's a plan to create a new 1% tax in Montreal on everything we buy which will go to repairing the infrastructures. Is this true or not? Who knows. Will it happen? If it doesn't it'll be something else. I have not become a cynic without reason.

I don't dispute that Montreal infrastructures are falling apart. Hell, overpasses are morphing into underpasses on a disturbingly regular basis. But damn, can't you just once give us a break? We are taxed to the gills as it is. Quebec is one of, if not the most, taxed places in both Americas. This being said: Where the fuck does our money go? How is this province being managed? Why does it cost us so much more? And they want a country... lordy, they can't even manage a damn province. But that too is a rant for another day.

Can't we please please please just keep those few pennies in our pocket? Just this once?




Dear Pfizer again:

Maybe you should learn from the spoofs your product has engendered and do something really funny like this*:

* Gotta love google images. In case Blogger pulls the image it's from Kottke.org and I thank them on bended knee for finding this. It made my day.


Ian Lidster said...

" ...created more wood than the rain forest." You totally crack me up, my darling love.
Talking in tongues via the 'little head' indeed. Next day? Can you spell satyriasis? Something that might be nice in theory, but not so much in practice.
Anyway, you got them bastards, all of them, you did, you did. I'm glad you're my friend, because I'd hate you to be otherwise.

ticknart said...

You're sort of right about that lottery thing. If I won, I'd just disappear from work. These people would never hear of me again. Such a nice dream, too.


YES! Those Viagara goooble-dooble-chuck commercials are completely mental. What I think is going on is that they wanted to show a couple of guys having a raunchy conversation after a Viagar-powered night, but they couldn't have them saying stuff like:

Guy #1: Yo, dude, I know I look like a fat old loser, but with Viagara I get a boner in my teeny weeny that goes on for hours. I almost killed the wife last night and I still have enough left to do you, if you're interested.

Guy #2: Am I? You bet. I took Viagara last week and my rock solid tool has worn out its welcome in a whole variety of orfices. I'll be happy to do you back when you're done.

Hence the pretend foreign language.

Jazz said...

Ian - yes, be glad I'm on your side, cause this way you don't rate correspondence.`;-)

Ticknart - Oh god, I would so disappear too, but I wouldn't rub it in I think. That's just overkill.

UP - That is so freaking funny! Now, how do I explain the manic giggling at work while looking at my computer screen?

geewits said...

I love your correspondence! And thanks for that great picture. That cracked me up.

choochoo said...

I've never seen a viagra commercial - or a real, live viagra, for that matter - but now I'm thinking I'd kinda like to.

pissed off patricia said...

There is some herbal product that is supposed to do the same thing viagra does and their commercials will make you feel you need to shower after you see one. Not because you are hot and bothered, but because they are just so freakin' gross.

That pic is priceless.

somewhere joe said...

That picture of me and the girl was doctored - it was taken in a bar not a studio.

Too_Lively said...

Could I pay to write letters to a few people in my life? You could start your own business.

Jill said...

Omigod! It's amazing what can be done with PhotoShop. And that better be a PhotoShop'd picture.

Jazz said...

Geewits - that picture almost makes the whole Viagra culture worthwhile.

Choochoo - Naw, you really wouldn't

POP - Grosser that Viagra commercials? eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Joe - I thought i had recognized you!

Too Liveley - all I need are the details and I'll be glad to do your correspondence.

Jill - It isn't photoshopped. Joe says it's him. Would Joe lie to me?

Big Brother said...

The viagra picture is the one they should show on TV as a commercial. She could do her stuff and the judges would give her points...9.6, 7.8, 9.9 etc. It would probably sell more viagra than the commercial they're showing now.

Voyager said...

Now that's hardwood. Wow.

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