Friday, February 13, 2009

Random Friday Rants

Naked News**
: I can't help but wonder about this website. It's an all news channel where the presenters strip while reading the days news. It's fucking bizarre it is. I can understand wanting to see naked people online - that's what online porn is all about after all, but watching naked people reading the news? Why? Oh and for you cheapskates out there, you have to subscribe - except I think for a daily clip... Notice that all the presenters are female. I wonder why that is?

**Ok, I can't seem to make links work in Blogger this morning because, as we all know Blogger hates me, so you're on your own if you want to find this. It's really quite simple though...

On the radio: A radio commercial that I've heard a million times suddenly penetrated into the deep recesses of my brain. I have an excuse, it's early morning! So. This is a commercial for a mortgage company. In it they're touting how great it is to get a second mortgage "for all those things you really want to do, like renovations, that trip you're dreaming of, that"

Picture a Porsche screeching to a halt on the highway. The Porsche, obviously is my brain (I'm not about to use a Lada am I? Cut me some slack!) And so. Everything screeches to a halt as I try to process this information. Since when has it become a good idea to get a second mortgage to... um... go to Disney World? WTF sort of stupid commercial is that? Who is going to mortgage their house to travel? To renovate I can understand, but to TRAVEL?!?!?! These days? As I wander around the apartment, all in a tizzy over this, Mr. Jazz's reaction?

"Jazz, you'd be surprised."

Ford TV Commercial: Wednesday evening on TV, a commercial for a new Ford "car". I don't remember the name but it's being touted as the next big wonderful thing. The Ford Multi something or other. Operative word here being : BIG. The thing is huge! OK, maybe not so huge as other things they have on the roads, but a helluva lot bigger than all the Matrixes and Yarises I see pootling around Montreal. Have they learned nothing? Have they not yet noticed that people are buying tiny Japanese cars because they consume so much less gas? What the fuck is wrong with these people? And they wonder why they're going under? Jesus, what a bunch of morons!

And on the radio again: Another commercial for the Centres Stop (well Hell, it worked this time and no, I'm not going back to link y'all to the "news" site!). With the use of lasers they promise to rid you of your problems with: Tobacco, your appetite/weight stress, alcohol, the winter blues, the blues (I guess they go from the particular to the general), Insomnia, Compulsive gambling, migraines, soft drugs, fatigue, anxiety, soft drugs and tobacco (I guess they use a different laser for the two combined!), post traumatic stress, loss of libido and, last but not least, hard drugs.***

In short, ze laser, she is good for whatever ails you.

How much do y'all wanna bet that they're doing booming business with all those looking for a quick fix? I repeat: Morons!

***(sorry Ian, it looks like you're out of a job as a substance abuse counselor)

And now to tide you over the weekend...

Overheard in the food fair - A couple sits a table over, the conversation goes something like this (true and surreal conversation):
Cashmere man: I'm just saying we're gonna have to cut back

Wife With expensive blond streaks: What do you mean, cut back?

CM: It's just that I'm losing a lot of money right now

WWEBS: Not that much.

CM: That much. We have to cut back.

WWEBS: It's not like there's much we can cut back on (as an aside: she's one of the ladies who lunch who come slumming to the food fair - perhaps to prove they're like the rest of us - from time to time, usually when she's getting her $300 dye job done at the salon)

CM: We can start by not spending $200 every evening eating out.

WWEBS: ..... (but you can see the panic starting)

CM: Things are really not going well. I'm thinking of postponing the Florida trip.

WWEBS: ..... (panic continues to rise at the idea of OMG living like the rest of the world!) There's really nothing we can cut!!! We just need more money.

CM: Yeah, well, it's not like you're bringing any in!

That was pretty much it until he started talking about a sculpture of a bear he wanted to buy.

Surreal I tell you.

And really, does it make me an evil person to actually be amused (and feel really smug) by the trials and tribulations of the rich who spend $200 an evening on restaurants and now will have to be eating in? It does? OK, I can live with that.


furiousBall said...

i'm sorry was there anything below the picture of all the hot babes? my penis prevented me from reading anything else

Jazz said...

Fuball - Do tel... why am I not surprised??

geewits said...

My parents eat out almost every night and I used to worry about it, but I've come to realize they eat at VERY cheap places. Where the waitresses call you, "Hun." $300 hair? Wow, everything really is cheaper in Texas. And if you thought trips were bad enough, I bet some people get a second mortgage to pay for plastic surgery.

Bandobras said...

What's really distressing is that FB's penis stopped me from reading too. He really should learn to control that thing.

Ian Lidster said...

What a wondrous, eclectic array. You have done yourself proud, my love. Well, blanancing the $200 meals with the food fair shows just the right attitude for me.

Naked news. With all the wretchedness in the news these days, perhaps talking tits instead of talking heads might just make life more agreeable.

Susan Tuttle said...

You tell it like it is -- love it!

Poutalicious said...

I don't know which to respond to first the naked news or the Prima donna with the $300 roots. MORONS.

citizen of the world said...

I'd saythat geting into debt for a vacation is the wrecthed American way, except you're in Canada.

As for the naked news, it's just another form of porn - the on-line equivelnt of men's pathetic excuse for magazine porn when they claim they read it for the articles. They read it/watch it because it objectifies women, plain and simple.

choochoo said...

I'm picturing the news anchors around here and trying to decide if I'd like to see any of'em nekked.

No, not so much...

Jill said...

I'm evil right along with you. I'm pretty sure that I would have openly laughed and pointed if I had heard such a thing at the next table. It's making me laugh even now. "Nothing we can cut," indeed. Welcome to the real world honey.

Rachel said...

i think its amusing the kinds of conversations people choose to have in public.

lime said...

$200 for dinner every night? you've got to be kidding me.

Jazz said...

Geewits - everything is cheaper in Montreal too. Unless you're stupid enough and rich enough to go to the places that rip you off.

Bandobras - Damn, I knew I should've put the naked news thing last.

Ian - Somehow I don't think the naked tits will ever actually make it to prime time TV.

Susan - Thanks!

Pouts - Morons indeed.

Citizen - The wretched American way is also obviously the wretched Canadian way.

Chooch - Yeah, there aren't that many real news anchors you'd want to see in the altogether.

Jill - Oh yeah. The mighty, they fall. Karma, she is a bitch.

Rachel - Yeah, gotta wonder about that. Maybe doing it in public means they gotta stay civilized about it?

Lime - I kid you not. Who knew people lived that way.

The Maven said...

What? You don't spend $200 every time you eat out? That's just when I hit the coffee shop. For dinner the sweetheart and I are looking at at least $450 (tip included, though)

... Oh, hi! Hi. Yes... Sorry, I was daydreaming again. Back in the land of more-money-than-God. Sorry.

Those commercials are ridiculous, too. What's up with that? Sure I want to go to Europe someday, but I'm thinking of stowing away on a boat, not remortgaging the house.

Great blog, btw. You're rather hilarious!

XUP said...

I would much rather travel than pay for a house. And I want to be the person with the $300 hair and the $200 dinners every night. And I want to look like one of those naked news girls. And I really, really want to kick my laser addiction

pinklea said...

My ex used to watch the Naked News on the intarnets years ago. Another reason, possibly, that he's an ex.

Jazz said...

Maven - Thanks for the comment. You're pretty damn hilarious yourself.

XUP - I'm sure there's a laser treatment for that.

Pink - That could contribute I imagine.