Tuesday, December 12, 2006

More petty annoyances and kudos

Dear Cell phone girl on the bus,

I know your life is amazing and stellar and brilliant, but last night’s date? I don’t much want to hear about it high volume at 7:30 in the morning. Honestly, your life isn’t that interesting at all.

Please remember that if you keep this up every day, I might have to kill you, and then you’ll have no life

Worst regards,

Jazz


Dear people walking in packs on the sidewalk,

I know it’s yours. I know your tax dollars paid for it. But is it really too much to ask that you move over just a tad when you meet someone coming the other way? I know I’m not the skinniest thing alive, but I’m doing my best to keep out of your way. If I move one more millimeter I will fall into the street. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Climb on parked cars to get out of your way.

Asshats.

Pissed offedly,

Jazz


Dear girl at the food fair,

A faux fur (long faux fur) purse does not look wonderfully stylish. It looks like you killed a dirty, long haired alley cat, gutted it and slung it over your shoulder.

Seriously, lose the bag. You gotta learn that just because it’s in a store doesn’t mean it isn’t utterly ridiculous. Thankfully, you’re still young enough to learn.

Hopefully,

Jazz



Dear little old lady,

Little old ladies are supposed to be lovely. Little old ladies are supposed to be sweet. Little old ladies bake gingerbread cookies.

I’m sure you’ve never baked a gingerbread cookie in your life. You are a sarcastic, curmudgeonly old thing. You are me in 35 years. You rock! Take ‘em down another notch or two, they deserve it!

Admiringly,

Jazz

4 comments:

Jill said...

That purse makes me wrinkle my nose and go "Eeeeeewwwww." I can't imagine using it more than once. It would be sorta like carrying a used mop around on your shoulder.

Big Brother said...

Kind of looks like one of those hairy little lap dogs...hey maybe it is.

Jill said...

Jazz, I just ran into the really nice comment you left on one of my old posts several weeks ago. I'm really bad about checking the email account for my blog. Thanks, and I read your whole blog archive too. ;-)

Holly Stinnett said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your great comment! I love this series of "Dear" letters. I am laughing picturing all these people, especially the people who do not move on the sidewalk! I thought I was the only person that got bugged by that!!