Dear Cell phone girl on the bus,
I know your life is amazing and stellar and brilliant, but last night’s date? I don’t much want to hear about it high volume at 7:30 in the morning. Honestly, your life isn’t that interesting at all.
Please remember that if you keep this up every day, I might have to kill you, and then you’ll have no life
Dear people walking in packs on the sidewalk,
I know it’s yours. I know your tax dollars paid for it. But is it really too much to ask that you move over just a tad when you meet someone coming the other way? I know I’m not the skinniest thing alive, but I’m doing my best to keep out of your way. If I move one more millimeter I will fall into the street. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Climb on parked cars to get out of your way.
Dear girl at the food fair,
A faux fur (long faux fur) purse does not look wonderfully stylish. It looks like you killed a dirty, long haired alley cat, gutted it and slung it over your shoulder.
Seriously, lose the bag. You gotta learn that just because it’s in a store doesn’t mean it isn’t utterly ridiculous. Thankfully, you’re still young enough to learn.
Dear little old lady,
Little old ladies are supposed to be lovely. Little old ladies are supposed to be sweet. Little old ladies bake gingerbread cookies.
I’m sure you’ve never baked a gingerbread cookie in your life. You are a sarcastic, curmudgeonly old thing. You are me in 35 years. You rock! Take ‘em down another notch or two, they deserve it!