Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Be Careful What You Name Your Cat

For the past couple of weeks, Mr. Jazz and I babysat a couple of cats. I'm always thrilled when that happens because I really miss having pets.

One was an overweight black girl, a little nervous at first, but she eventually settled in nicely, coming to us for purring and petting fests, ready to do anything for food (the girl, she ain’t pudgy for no reason). She was really quite cute.

Then there was the boy cat - a lovely caramel tabby. He’s several years younger and quite.. um… neurotic. It took him a week to actually come out from under the bathtub when we were around. We have a clawfoot tub, but honestly, I’m sure he would have found a way to slide under the there even if it had been directly on the floor.

You took one step towards this guy and off he’d run until he was safe in his little corner under the tub, right there under the taps. Safe from all the big bad humans. Safe from everything except the tub collapsing on his head - good thing he didn't think of that possibility.

Safe! From me! The original crazy ass cat lady. Ah well, his loss I guess… Apparently he has these tendencies even with his mistress. Go figure.

One fine day Cat Mistress came to our place to pick up her felines. We figured we should start with Mr. Neurotic, so we chased him down, caught him and tried to wrestle him into his cage. Tried being the operative word. The results weren't too conclusive since he started screaming as though he was being flayed alive, twisting and scratching until he got away. Ever tried keeping hold of a cat who has decided he is not staying with you?

Which is when all hell broke loose – ‘cause until then it was just a case of a cat who didn’t want to go into his carrier.

We experienced the attack of the psycho killer cat first hand; that big black love of a cat decided to protect the little guy I suppose, even though she'd pretty much ignored him all week... Maybe she understood that if he was indeed being torn limb from limb, flayed alive and eaten as a snack by us trolls, his food would no longer be available to her. Of course! She was protecting her secondary food source. Never mind the boy.

She started out by biting Mr. Jazz on the ass. He was wearing jeans so he was no worse for wear. Then she went after my finger. This all happened in the space of probably 20 or so seconds.

I went to the kitchen to rinse the blood off and as I was doing so, she stalked in, looked at me evilly, screeched, jumped on my thigh and bit down. Hard. Ever tried getting rid of a cat who has decided to hold the hell on? Not so easy.

It was insane it was. Here I am in the kitchen with my finger under the tap and huge howling ball of black fur hanging off my leg. With. Her. Teeth! She was more than willing to eat me alive - perhaps she felt I hadn't fed her enough while she was visiting. I can only thank my lucky stars she was declawed when Cat Mistress adopted her - maybe that's why she's pissed off.

Psycho Killer Cat contemplating having me for dinner **

How can a cat scream and bite at the same time? It's a mystery I don't much want to discover the answer to.

Profuse apologies followed – poor Cat Mistress, it really wasn’t her fault, and until then the cat had been great.

It was totally surreal as experiences go. The most I’ve ever seen from a cat is taking a swipe and running away. And I would never have expected it from her, she was such a, well... “pussycat” all week. I’ll never see that particular word in the same light again.

I guess that’s what happens when you name a cat Tiger, eventually it feels the need to live up to its name.

** In a very Hannibal Lecter sort of way

Picture from: http://www.swilliamshaw.com/


geewits said...

It's times like that you really wish someone was videotaping your life!I would love to see all of that.

furiousBall said...

they make a reality show out of you, i'm watchin

Jazz said...

Geewits - Yeah really. I'd like to see it again too. I think.

Fuball - I would be the only reality show you watch? I'm flattered, but you'd be bored to death. For every 10 minutes of psychocat there are 100 hours of me reading or something equally interesting to watch.

Anonymous said...

Good Lord! That cat sounds possessed!

XUP said...

Gadzooks! I find it's best to leave my cat at home and have someone come in to feed him. They don't take too kindly to being uprooted. D'uh! If you're really missing having a cat, though the human societies are overrun with them this time of year -- nudge, nudge

VioletSky said...

Have you checked under the bathtub for little pressies??

Rachel said...

I am laughing my head off!

Sorry for the cat bites...watch for infection: cat bites are notoriously dirty.

I wish you had a video of this.

paula said...

While reading y'all's experience, I just kept saying, "Daaang!" until Paul asked what I was reading. Bad kitty! Bad! Great story, though at your expense.

Jazz said...

Citizen - I think she was there for a while poor thing.

XUP - We've become the cat sitters for all our friends. Usually it goes really well. Unfortunately, having another cat is out of the question, as Mr. Jazz has developed allergies.It's not too bad for a couple of weeks, but more than that is just not livable. So I have to weigh the pros and cons. Get rid of Mr. Jazz who feeds me or get a cat I'll have to feed. All in all I think I'll keep Mr. Jazz.

VS - No pressies anywhere. They were really well behaved until those 5-10 minutes.

Rachel - Yeah, I've been monitoring the bites all is good. Seems like everyone wishes they could see footage of me being attacked. I'm wondering what I should think of that. LOL

Paula - Bad kitty indeed.

Dumdad said...

Bad kitty! That's really quite scarey.

You'd have been in real trouble if the cat had asked if you had a nice chianti in the house......

Jazz said...

Dumdad - I would not have been surprised in the least if she'd asked that... not in the least.

choochoo said...

at any point, did her head spin all the way around??

Big Brother said...

Boy am I glad that I didn't catsit them cats. Better you than me, BBdaughter did well to give them to you, I would probably have drop kicked them if they had bit me. My poor daughter must have been mortified, that is why I don't have animals. If god had meant for me to have animals I would have been a farmer...I ain't a farmer so there are no animals.

Tai said...


I've never seen a cat act like that, so weird!

Jazz said...

Choochoo - it might have, but I didn't catch it, I was too busy watching her hang off my leg.

BB - She was mortified, but it wasn't her fault so no biggie, and there would've been no point in kicking the cat. No one could have seen it coming, she was a sweetheart.

Tai - Yeah, right. You're a cat person, you know they don't behave like that. I figure she was temporarily possessed.

A Happy Downtowner said...

Oh you poor thang... you and Thomas should compare notes one day. He got attacked by my cat but not to that extent. I can just visualize how it went. And in some strange way, happy I didn't go to Montreal during that time :)

Say... you don't have any cats next weekend right?

Jazz said...

HD - we will compare notes sometime, or he can come and read... ;-)

D'you want me to borrow the cats for next weekend? I can if you want!

Gwen Buchanan said...

Hilarious story... you have to watch out for those vicious beasts!!! That photo is great and just suits it...

hope you are all healed up now...

Suzan Buckner said...

Please,please please--watch those wounds carefully! My friend almost lost her finger after her cat bit her. So, disinfect, and at the slightest change--go to the doctor.

CatMistress said...

I giggled and cackled at this story ... thank you very much for the laughter.

I know I am not the Cat Mistress in your story ... I think I am "Tiger" ... HAHAHAHAHA