Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday Correspondence

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Dear Scotts (or Kleenex or whoever):

It was no doubt a brilliant marketing coup, this supposed addition of lotion to your tissues in order to saver our poor little noses from being rubbed raw. However, I must say that I really never saw any difference between the lotion bearing tissue and the regular kind, and so, doubted that the lotion was really there.

I wish to extend my most humble apologies for doubting you.

A colleague passed me a tissue so I could wipe my glasses. It was a "lotion tissue". My glasses ended up hopelessly smeared.

I ended up terribly annoyed and wondering exactly what it is you put on tissues and if I breathe it will it cause more harm than good?

Perhaps a disclaimer on the boxes saying do not use to wipe glasses? Because really? Bleh.

Apologetically still,

Jazz

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Dear Jazz,

There is really no point in denying the end of summer, it just makes those first few flakes of falling (alliteration no less!) snow that much more traumatizing.

Nevertheless, you will no doubt go deep into denial again next year. As you always do.

In this, you are a moron.

Eye rollingly,

Jazz

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Dear door manufacturers,

Could you possibly find a way of making plate glass doors a touch less hard - or a touch less transparent? Walking smack into one makes my head hurt.

But at least this time I didn't break it.

Pleadingly,

Jazz

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Dear Colleagues,

If I had wanted to mother people, I would have had children.

If I had any maternal instinct at all, I would be a mom.

If I had an ounce of "nice" flowing through my body, I might take pity on you. One would think that having known me for all this time you would know I'm not big on "the nice".

As it stands, playing mom to colleagues doesn't even make it onto my list of things to do. I have too much work of my own to do yours too.

I am buried in work. Of course it isn't as important as yours, we all know that, but still, I have to get it done. And so...

I will not do your timesheets, I will not do your expenses, I will not order your lunch.

When I show you how to do something ('cause yeah, there are lots of things I know that you don't), or where to find some template in the server, please take note, it's really draining to have to repeat it every damn time you need this information. Five repetitions stretches the bounds of nice for me. Keep it up and I might have to kill you.

You are not kindergartners. You are adults. You drive cars, you have kids, you might even pay your bills for all I know.

Get your shit together and take responsibility for yourselves because. I. WILL. NOT. DO. IT. FOR. YOU.

Unmaternally

Jazz
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18 comments:

furiousBall said...

Dear Kleenex,

Thanks for the happy tissues.

Love,
Van

Mr. Jazz said...

La madame est pas contente...

Dumdad said...

Jazz is on the war path: be scared, be very scared.

(I'm writing this from the hills where I headed immediately on reading this).

Bon weekend!

Gnightgirl said...

I like the Vicks-infused tissues myself...though I've never wiped my glasses with them.

Suzan Buckner said...

Oh..I so love you my un-maternal soul mate!!! Just remember "There's no cure for stupid"...LOL
Your also stupid-people hating friend,
me

Ian Lidster said...

I cherish you and your world view, sister.

Jazz said...

Fuball - Dear Van. You're welcome. Kleenex

Mr. Jazz - Oh yeah!

Dumdad - You're ok, you entertain me. Bon weekend à toi aussi.

Gnightgirl - Don't. Really.

Suzan - They really should put someone to work on that. An anti-stupid vaccine would be good.

Ian - Awwww shucks!

geewits said...

When I started this, I thought, I guess she never wiped her glasses with them. I hate the lotion ones because it feels like I am rubbing something yicky on my nose. And Kudos to Kleenex for something else: I recently caved to my brand-name snobbism and bought grocery store brand tissues because I liked the print on the box. They sucked. They did not exit the box in an orderly fashion. From now on it's (lotion-free) Kleenex for me!

I would have never pictured you as a glass door walker intoer. I'm just the opposite and think there is glass where there is not. Have you ever tried to knock on air? Less painful than walking into glass, but just as stupid looking.

VioletSky said...

I just bought some bulk pack of tissues infused with OLBAS OIL, thinking they would be great for getting rid of any cold or flu...mostly they sting my nostrils with their very strong odour. Guess you don't want a couple sample packets?

Hagelrat said...

hot choclate was invented to make winter seem like a good idea. Invest in a good one. It fixes everything else too.

xup said...

Didn't anyone ever tell you never to wipe glasses with tissues? Believe or not, paper towels are much gentler and less linty on your specs than tissues.

pierre l said...

After reading this I'm glad I've stayed away from this kind of tissue.

You sound as though you have been having a fun time at work, Jazz; I'm glad to be 5 hours flying time away.

I do some computer system admin for work (among other things). Many of the books I've read suggest bribing your sysadmin with pizza (especially if you keep asking the same questions). So perhaps your colleagues need to bribe you with pizza or chocolate (or even pastry from the "Duc de Lorraine", my sister's favourite Patisserie when we both loved in Montreal -- she is now in Vancouver).

citizen of the world said...

I hate those lotion-enhancved kleemnes. They're immediately slimy.

Just telling it like it is said...

funny...made me smile...

Big Brother said...

Dear lil sister... just do like me, I always tell my kids that "I am handsome and intelligent so I don't have to be nice..."
Oh by the way I was trekking this week-end with my students near St-Tite des Caps and there was about 8 inches of snow on the trail. So count your blessings it could be worse. ;o)

Jazz said...

Geewits - I remember last year seeing a commercial for some brand of tissue (kleenex I think) that was now antibacterial. Can it get more stupid than that?

Violet - Naw, I do fine with the regular old ordinary tissues. I'm old fashioned like that.

Hagelrat - I make my hot chocolate with pieces of black chocolate (at least 80% cocoa, preferably 90) and it's amazing. Don't drink enough of the stuff though. Cocoa as medicine. I'M liking that thought.

XUP - Damn girl, what else is in that vast store of knowledge of yours? You know everything. Are you god???

Pierre - Pastry sounds great...

Citzen - as if we didn't have enough slime to deal with in life!

JTI - I aim to please

BB - Thank god I don't like in St-Tite! And I maintain that Tite was canonized becase he went through life with that name. Who the hell calls a child Tite?

Malnurtured Snay said...

As one who has previously walked into a glass door ... I sympathize.

Jocelyn said...

Geewits' comment is cracking me up.

I only walk into glass doors when I'm throwing rocks at glass houses and get too close. Note to self: stay behind the hedge.