Friday Correspondence

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Dear Scotts (or Kleenex or whoever):

It was no doubt a brilliant marketing coup, this supposed addition of lotion to your tissues in order to saver our poor little noses from being rubbed raw. However, I must say that I really never saw any difference between the lotion bearing tissue and the regular kind, and so, doubted that the lotion was really there.

I wish to extend my most humble apologies for doubting you.

A colleague passed me a tissue so I could wipe my glasses. It was a "lotion tissue". My glasses ended up hopelessly smeared.

I ended up terribly annoyed and wondering exactly what it is you put on tissues and if I breathe it will it cause more harm than good?

Perhaps a disclaimer on the boxes saying do not use to wipe glasses? Because really? Bleh.

Apologetically still,

Jazz

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Dear Jazz,

There is really no point in denying the end of summer, it just makes those first few flakes of falling (alliteration no less!) snow that much more traumatizing.

Nevertheless, you will no doubt go deep into denial again next year. As you always do.

In this, you are a moron.

Eye rollingly,

Jazz

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Dear door manufacturers,

Could you possibly find a way of making plate glass doors a touch less hard - or a touch less transparent? Walking smack into one makes my head hurt.

But at least this time I didn't break it.

Pleadingly,

Jazz

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Dear Colleagues,

If I had wanted to mother people, I would have had children.

If I had any maternal instinct at all, I would be a mom.

If I had an ounce of "nice" flowing through my body, I might take pity on you. One would think that having known me for all this time you would know I'm not big on "the nice".

As it stands, playing mom to colleagues doesn't even make it onto my list of things to do. I have too much work of my own to do yours too.

I am buried in work. Of course it isn't as important as yours, we all know that, but still, I have to get it done. And so...

I will not do your timesheets, I will not do your expenses, I will not order your lunch.

When I show you how to do something ('cause yeah, there are lots of things I know that you don't), or where to find some template in the server, please take note, it's really draining to have to repeat it every damn time you need this information. Five repetitions stretches the bounds of nice for me. Keep it up and I might have to kill you.

You are not kindergartners. You are adults. You drive cars, you have kids, you might even pay your bills for all I know.

Get your shit together and take responsibility for yourselves because. I. WILL. NOT. DO. IT. FOR. YOU.

Unmaternally

Jazz
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