Sunday, October 05, 2008


Dear Rich Westmount Ladies Who Lunch,

When will you realize that multiple facelifts don't make you look any younger. They just makes you look.... um... stretched.




Dear Lady in the park,

I was nice about it. Really. But you know, it's really annoying to sit down on a park bench (a public park bench), only to be asked after numerous heavy sighs, when I'm going to leave.

Because, you say, you came here to lie down - on one of the shady benches - because you're really tired and need a snooze before going back to work. And my daring to sit on the (public) bench was putting a crimp in your plans since you came to the park to sleep.

Digression here, but what is wrong with you people? Of five benches in the park three of the four in the shade were already occupied by stretched out snoozers. Don't you people sleep at night?

And so I got up and I went to sit on the one bench that still had someone vertical on it. "Oh, the guy said, you got the speech too? I was already sitting there when she arrived, but the hostility made me leave."

And so we watched you fuss. Take out a towel, spread it on the bench. Pick it up, spread it out again. And leave. Without ever lying down. While we sat in the blistering sun.

We said hurrah and moved back to "our" bench.

If I ever meet you in the park again, I will not be nice about it. And I will not move.




Dear Teenage Boys,

I might have mentioned this before, but the baggy pants... not so much.

I can understand they're the height of style - hell some of the stuff I wore at your age was beyond ridiculous.

But when your pants are so baggy they actually fall off your ass (yeah, I saw them fall, kid), it's a bit much. Just take it down a size or two and it'll be all good.




Dear Teenage Girls

Contrary to the guys, your clothes are basically painted on. The super low rise jeans, really really do nothing for you. Unless you weigh 50 lbs sopping wet (and we're in north america where pretty much everyone has extra padding) the whole jeans cutting into the stomach thing, not so much, ok?

Muffin tops look good on... muffins.

And you, Muffin, are no piece of cake.

Following fashion just because... ok, well I guess it is the sign of a 15 year old.

Hopefully you'll grow out of it.

Fingers crossed,



Dear guy in Toronto,

Much as I dislike the baggy pants look (see above) it is a million times better than the "commando" baggy pants look.

Cause the idea behind the baggy pants look is to show off the waistband of your designer underwear, ya know? Not three inches of plumber's crack.

Kid, that's just beyond nasty. Put on underwear or smaller pants. Seriously. You look like a moron.

Sartorially (again)



xup said...

She wanted you to leave so she could sleep on a park bench? Seriously? And you left? Holy fcku!

Urban Animal said...

LOL I was waiting for the guy we saw at Kensington Market. OMG it was brutal wasn't it?

I am waiting with baited breath about the chapter 2 with the lady in the park. What a stupid thing to do...

Anonymous said...

Multiple face lifts make people look like cadavers to me. Creepy.

Big Brother said...

LIL sister, you need to get more assertive. Tell her to F**K off or you'll rip her head off and spit down her throat... then look wild. I'm sure she'll never bother you again. ;o)

furiousBall said...

that's why i wear my designer underwear on my head. EVERYBODY sees it there.

Rachel said...

you should pretend to be deaf. Its the most effective anti-asshole device in my arsenal, and I'm actually deaf.

Just stare at the bitches with a confused, blank look and ask her to repeat herself ad infinitum. SHE'LL walk away first. Trust me.

Ian Lidster said...

Your park bench lady -- terminal asshole. You were too polite. I can't believe the audacity of some.

Jocelyn said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Each one of these built to that last commando one so nicely!

So, er, Park Lady has a little mental illness going on maybe?

Hagelrat said...

hahahahaha! I look forward to these posts. Lady in the park sounds like a dumb bitch, the kids, ah well, seems fashions are the same here as there. Have you guys got the public crotch adjustment thing yet? Teenage boys wandering around with one hand shoved down their pants blatently? It actually doe sseem to be a fashion trend.

geewits said...

You should probably stay out of the park.

I imagine Miss Muffin Top will meet and marry Mr. Baggy Pants. They will reproduce and be absolutely appalled at their child's fashion choices.

Jazz said...

XUP - I think you have a typo in there... ;-)

Animal - Well he had to put in an appearance didn't he? And it's probably too cold now for park lady. I for one am no longer spending lunch hours on frigid park benchs.

Citizen - Yeah, that's about right. We should send them all out on Halloween.

BB - 1) I'm a pushover and 2) the hostility just didn't make it worth the effort of ripping her a new one

Rachel - Damn girl, I never thought of that!

Ian - Well, look at it this way, they make the rest of us look good.

Joce - Mr. Jazz said the same thing. Now I think I should feel bad for her. Naw.. she's blog fodder like the rest of 'em.

Hagel - Nope we haven't gotten to the crotch adjustment thing yet. Or I haven't noticed. Damn, now I'm going to be walking around looking at where teenage boys have their hands.

Geewits - and so the wheel turns. You had me laughing out loud at that comment...

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

Bwahahahahaha! When, WHEN will baggy pants go out of fashion? I implore you, God of Pants, take them all away!

Dumdad said...

To use a British slang term, the whole big pants thing is pants.

choochoo said...

lol. Yeah, I don't get baggy pants, either. But I did once see a goy loose his in the middle of downtown. Down they went. And he didn't register that they'd fallen (I guess his ass was used to the breeze, so his brain failed to register that as a warning), so he kept on walking. Then he fell.


I waited YEARS to see that happen.

Jazz said...

Kimber - it's a curse. They'll stay around forever...

Dumdad - What a bizarre expression.

ChooChoo - I saw a kid do that on rollerblades. I think he probably fell flat on his face more quickly than yours did though.

pierre l said...

Hello Jazz. I have fallen behind my my reading because Google Reader unsubscribed me from your blog without warning.... But there uis a happy coincidence, because the next post I read was from one of my favourite British authors (Sarah Salway):
leading to:
To summarise: somebody in Singapore got fined $200 for falling asleep on a park bench -- "misusing the park facility" the Park Rangers called it.