Correspondence

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Dear Rich Westmount Ladies Who Lunch,

When will you realize that multiple facelifts don't make you look any younger. They just makes you look.... um... stretched.

Respectfully,

Jazz

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Dear Lady in the park,

I was nice about it. Really. But you know, it's really annoying to sit down on a park bench (a public park bench), only to be asked after numerous heavy sighs, when I'm going to leave.

Because, you say, you came here to lie down - on one of the shady benches - because you're really tired and need a snooze before going back to work. And my daring to sit on the (public) bench was putting a crimp in your plans since you came to the park to sleep.

Digression here, but what is wrong with you people? Of five benches in the park three of the four in the shade were already occupied by stretched out snoozers. Don't you people sleep at night?

And so I got up and I went to sit on the one bench that still had someone vertical on it. "Oh, the guy said, you got the speech too? I was already sitting there when she arrived, but the hostility made me leave."

And so we watched you fuss. Take out a towel, spread it on the bench. Pick it up, spread it out again. And leave. Without ever lying down. While we sat in the blistering sun.

We said hurrah and moved back to "our" bench.

If I ever meet you in the park again, I will not be nice about it. And I will not move.

Bitchily,

Jazz

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Dear Teenage Boys,

I might have mentioned this before, but the baggy pants... not so much.

I can understand they're the height of style - hell some of the stuff I wore at your age was beyond ridiculous.

But when your pants are so baggy they actually fall off your ass (yeah, I saw them fall, kid), it's a bit much. Just take it down a size or two and it'll be all good.

Sartorially,

Jazz

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Dear Teenage Girls

Contrary to the guys, your clothes are basically painted on. The super low rise jeans, really really do nothing for you. Unless you weigh 50 lbs sopping wet (and we're in north america where pretty much everyone has extra padding) the whole jeans cutting into the stomach thing, not so much, ok?

Muffin tops look good on... muffins.

And you, Muffin, are no piece of cake.

Following fashion just because... ok, well I guess it is the sign of a 15 year old.

Hopefully you'll grow out of it.

Fingers crossed,

Jazz

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Dear guy in Toronto,

Much as I dislike the baggy pants look (see above) it is a million times better than the "commando" baggy pants look.

Cause the idea behind the baggy pants look is to show off the waistband of your designer underwear, ya know? Not three inches of plumber's crack.

Kid, that's just beyond nasty. Put on underwear or smaller pants. Seriously. You look like a moron.

Sartorially (again)

Jazz
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