Wednesday, March 10, 2010

And now for something completeley different...

I've been keeping a journal for what seems forever. I suppose, like most girls, I started after reading Anne Frank's diary. And I remember reading Go Ask Alice which also inspired me to write - and become a  junkie (in the interest of full disclosure, let me just say that I'm rolling my eyes at myself here).

A few days ago, I pulled out my first diary (the ubiquitous locked 5-year diary with six lines to a year, which rule I broke with my first entry evah) and thought it could make for a cool (albeit seriously embarrassing) series of posts. What with 35 journals to choose from (obviously I have no life if I can take the time to write 35 journals), I can take you from that first 13 year old entry all the way up to today, which would be way to close for comfort. But before then, we'll all be heartily sick of this and wishing that that proto-Jazz would just shut the hell up already.

And so, I will be posting excerpts from my journals (wonky grammar and all). As noted, most of them will probably be really embarrassing to me, but what the hell, I spend most of my days embarrassing the hell out of myself anyway. It's a gift. It's my superpower.


To whit:

June 25, 1974

I got back from a trip to Chicoutimi yesterday (my birthday). I just got you today and I'm going to tell you everything. (not by a long shot baby - that would've been excruciating)

Sometimes I might put "later" because I might not write everything at the same time (because I might never have realized I was writing later if I hadn't spelled it out). Today I'm feeling high. I don't know why, maybe because I've got you to talk to now (that's sad). Well bye for now diary (Never one to follow rules, by now I was well into the third year entry)

Later: I'm reading "That Was Then, This Is Now" (teenage angst galore!), it's a real great book. A while ago I threw a plaster into Nini's (That would be BB - was my name for him for the longest time) paper basket. I was standing on the couch and I got all dizzy and saw yellow and green and red and sort of dots all over. I wonder if that's what it's like when you take drugs. I'd like to try them (drugs I mean) (I had high ambitions when I was 13 - or maybe I just wanted to be cool). Bye diary, see you tomorrow."

July 2, 1974

You know what I want to do Diary? I want to write a story. Maybe I could, wouldn't that be great? (who knew I had literary aspirations) You could help me, would you? (a touch delusional perhaps, this is a notebook, not a person, Dear)

Later:  I just finished the first chapter in my our book, I don't know if I made a mistake trying to write, but anyway, I'll continue and we'll see. I hope it works (it obviously didn't). See you later.


Surprisingly,  this journal lasted me three years. And I never did finish it, it was much too regimented with all those yearly entries and dates already written down, it was just annoying.

I was pathetically obsessed with boys, and unfortunately they weren't obsessed with me. Utter humiliation to a teenage girl. What can a nerd expect though? As for those who might have shown some interest (and who I was head over heels in crush with):

February 14, 1975

He started talking to me in English. G told him I could understand everything he said in English. The first thing he said was What are you doing tonight?. My answer was, a lot of things that wouldn't interest you. He looked as if someone had slapped him in the face (Well Duh!) After that he said Do you want to sleep with me tonight? and I said no, I have better things to do. The best part was today on the bus after school. He leaned over from his seat on to mine and said, What about my valentines kiss? I just told him to buzz off. Then he asked again and i pushed him back into his seat. I'm not stupid, I know he was laughing at me. He has a girlfriend. And if he didn't I wouldn't be his choice (Actually, all these years later, I can't help but think I was an astute little 14 year old - plus I was terrified. What if?).

And on another note:

January 10, 1976

Everything is mixed up these days. I mean really, what do you do when you wish your own father was dead. Don't say it's natural cause it isn't, even if he is sick. I'm the sick one.

This is my list of things I want most (it strikes me as both hysterically funny and sad):

1. Dad dead
2. No more pimples
3. To have lots of money
4. Be popular

Of course the first and second will happen eventually (I kept my dreams well within the realm of the reasonable), the third probably never unless I marry some rich guy (didn't happen - but I got much better than rich) and the fourth will probably never happen either (bingo - did I say I was astute even at that age?).

P.S. In typing we got electric machines (gotta love the practicality of that after my list...)


The funniest thing re-reading this journal is that I have no idea anymore who most of the people are. I vaguely remember the guy I blew off, and one or two girlfriends, but otherwise - no freaking idea. Nor do I want to remember them.

So, your call people, shall we continue with this?


Shrinky said...

It was my ma I used to wish dead (grin). Isn't it weird to read back on the young kid you once were? I recently sealed and threw out all my old journals, it terrorised me to think of my own kids one day reading them!

secret agent woman said...

It's always funny to me when people address their diary as "Diary" like it's a person.

I have a stack of journals starting my senior year in high school, but I'm a little afraid to look at them.

(And now I'm singing the Jefferson Airplane song "Go Ask Alice" in my head.)

Jeaux said...

I don't know what's funnier, the entries, or the commentary. I think you've invented a genre, Jazz chick. Keep it coming!

Kay said...

I've kept a journal since I was 8; the coolest thing for me, looking back at what I wrote is that my personality still shines through. It's me--just smaller with much more trivial issues lingering (like wishing dad dead) :) haha... absolutely great treasures! And what a difference in the typing world, huh?

Dumdad said...

To echo Jeaux, "I think you've invented a genre"; I love the commentaries alongside the diary. Keep on going!

Susan Tuttle said...

that was then, this is now -- i loved that book! thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you want to keep doing this? I love it, but I'm not sure I'd ever be able to look at you with a straight face if we ever met. I burned all my teenaged diaries because I was horrified of anyone ever finding them and reading them. One question -- did you say you were inspired to write and become a junkie? When were you a junkie?

Jazz said...

Shrinky - Luckily, I don't have kids.

SAW - I think the Dear Diary is a particularly teenage girl thing. Hopefully, you get over it. As for reareading them, it's the first time since I wrote them I pulled them out. I can't help but think I'll be sick to death of the whining withing a volume or two.

Jeaux - Thanks. I think I will keep it up for a bit

Kay - Yeah, I can see myself in there too. Which is sort of scary.

DD - Thanks.

Susan - So I'm not the only person to have read it? I'd love to find a copy of it, I wonder how it aged.

XUP - I'm sure all our teenage diaries are pretty much the same. I'm re-reading the second now, and I seem to spend my time whining about boys. One in particular. Who I don't remember. At. All. And no, I never did become a junkie. I realigned my carreer aspirations after a couple of months.

Anonymous said...

I'd like this to be a regular series, too. It's your grown-up Jazz commentary that makes it so funny! You've inspired me to dig out my pre-teen and teen diaries now, too - and I'm sure mine are equally embarrassing and inane!

BTW, "Go Ask Alice" was a very important book for me too, mostly because of its graphic description of a lifestyle I had absolutely no concept of at the time. I very recently spotted a girl at my school reading it, and she kindly lent it to me so I could re-read it with my thirty-five-or-so years older, possibly wiser eyes. And it still blew me away!

Suldog said...

Oh, yes, please do continue. This stuff is a hoot! I mean that in the nicest way, of course - it's a fun read, and I love the asides from the you of today.

MY WIFE has kept a journal for... well, I won't say how many years, but since her teens, at least. I admire folks like her, and you, who have such a level of stick-to-it-iveness. I mean, sure, I blog, but it isn't the same thing. You two have real dedication :-)

geewits said...

I love this! Oddly, the only year I ever kept a diary was 1974. Now I want to go check those dates and see what I was thinking at the same time as you.

Jazz said...

Pink - The whole lifestyle thing in Go Ask Alice was fascinating. She was free to do what she wanted. Somehow I think I equated drugs with freedom. Go figure. I'd have to try and track it down.

Sully - if my adolescent angst makes you laugh, I will gladly continue, though subsequent journals seem to be all about whining. And you know, it's not so much dedication as need. Even if I go for a long while without writing I eventually need to do it. It's visceral.

Geewits - Check, please do. Let me know!

geewits said...

It was 1975. No entry for Feb. 14. Thanks for making me pull it out though. It's pretty amusing.

Big Brother said...

God I'm glad that guys don't keep journals. ;o)

e said...

Funnily enough, I started my first diary at 11 and stopped about five years ago. It was daring of you to share yours here. I eventually got rid of mine, so have nothing to look back on now, but the entries made me glad I survived to grow up...

Warty Mammal said...

This is unbelievably awesome. A nice slice of adolescent life, that stage we all endured but have managed to purge from our brains. Please continue.

(You have brought back one memory of mine ... doing really bad colored pencil portraits of Elton John clad in a floor-length tunic thing with bat-wing sleeves. I think he had angel wings on his back, too.)

VioletSky said...

Please continue with this - it is not nearly as embarrassing as rereading my fragmented writings in my teenage journals (which I have since destroyed).

Anonymous said...

Thank you for doing this and I admire you for going where you did and providing a glimpse of a fascinating adult you as an also fascinating teen.