Overheard

"They're not plastic, they're pleather"

"Dude, those pants have never been close to the skin of any animal alive or dead, ergo, they're plastic, deal with it"

Jazz, to herself: Dude, he's right, lose the pants.

==========================================================

And a quote:

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick

The Deed is Done

I have finally done it.

I've taken my destiny into my hands.

I've bitten the bullet.

I've done what needed to be done.

I've switched to the new version of Blogger - the one where your template is "click and drag" rather than "one hundred million lines of html code" - losing my whole blogroll on the way.*

So I bit the bullet again (hoping the damn thing wouldn't explode in my mouth), and re-entered my blogroll.

This is heavy duty stuff for a techno-challenged froggy Jazzer who doesn't even own a microwave. I faced technology. And won! Well, maybe not exactly won, but at least I prevailed. Had I won, all traces of technology, except those that benefit me directly, would have been wiped from the face of the earth. Exit cell phones, iPods and Blackberries. I'm evil that way.

All this because I wanted that damn thinking bloggy idiot thing in my sidebar. How fuckin' stupid is that? I'm that flattered to have been chosen. Someone shoot me now please. Anyone. Bang. It's easy. If you're arrested, say you had no choice, show them my blog and I guarantee they'll set you free.

More to the point however, I totally forgot what I was going to blog about.

I've conquered a phobia but lost my mind.

Image from The Silverbear Café.... how awesome is that pic?


* If you can't find yourself in there anymore, please let me know. I think I got everyone back up, but maybe not.

Thinking and updates....

Well, there's a new meme doing the rounds, but this one is a little more, well, intresting. It's called the Thinking Blogger Award.

It originated with The Thinking Blog* in Februrary.

The rules of the meme are as follows:

1. Post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to original source blog (which would be The Thinking Blog, I guess)**
3. If you don’t choose to do either then please display your thinking blogger logo as shown on this posting.

Well, thanks to Ian (who is the person I'd much rather link to, since he said such nice things about me and I actually read him and stuff), I've been awarded a "Thinking Blogger Award". How flattered am I? My little heart is all a-flutter...

As I was looking at my blogroll, wondering who I would pick, I noticed that I hadn't updated it in some time. So this inspired me to update. Killing two birds with one stone and all that. Damn, I'm productive today.

So, here, in no particular order, are five blogs that make me think. Too bad I couldn't pick everyone. Other faves are in my blogroll...

1) The Needs of the Few. Evil Spock (and his collaborators) always have something interesting to say on the state of the world. Besides, seeing as he will one day take over said world (starting with the American Presidency in 2012), I want to keep on his good side.

2) Dan's Blah Blah Blog. He makes me think, but he also, almost invariably makes me laugh, which is even better. . .

3) Stop Looking at Me. Choochoo makes me think of the absurdity of life. Which is good. You don't want to take yourself too seriously. Besides, she's going to eventually be battling Evil Spock for world domination, so I have to stay on her good side too.

4) Whateverings. Paula Becker is an illustrator who divides her time between Montreal and Texas. She entertains me and her illustrations make me happy. That's all. Becoming her pencil shapener is my goal in life.

5) This Just In. Gnightgirl is the mother of a soldier. In Iraq. I don't know how she does it. Her blog is funny, insightful, and at times heartbreaking. I just recently discovered her and she's become a definite favourite.

Ian is my honorary pick, but he's been picked twice already so in order to keep his ego from inflating too much, he's not gonna be official.

I've noticed, writing this, that everyone on this list also makes me laugh. Laughter is a great antidote to thinking too much. There's not much point in taking life too seriously if you have to die anyway.



* I have no idea if this is a good blog or not, I just googled the award.

** So basically, this is just a way for the Thinking Blog to get lots of links and thus get boosted on those sites that classify you according to the links you get (i.e. Technorati) - at least I think that's how it works. If someone wants to boost their rating who am I to stand in their way? If such is their ambition, more power to them. Though personally I think it makes way more sense to link to the person who chose you....

Monday morning incoherence

Because of something I read recently in The Needs of the Few, I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom of speech.

Saying what we please is one of our most fundamental rights, and people do use and, some would argue, abuse, the right.

Under the guise of “political satire” some guy “recently posted pictures of candidates’ underage daughters and granddaughters along with a “cuteness” rating as a method to handicap the Presidential race.” (to quote the Collective)

Thing is this guy is a self professed pedophile.

Now, as I said in the comments to The Needs of the Few, I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m really uncomfortable with this. From anyone else it would have just seemed stupid, but from a pedophile? Beyond serious discomfort. I know someone who was abused by a pedophile at a young age. I won’t go into what I think should be done to these people, 'cause it ain’t pretty.

So, where do we draw the line? I know the cliché that your freedom stops where the next guy’s freedom starts. And I know that some things should not be allowed.

Who decides what can be said on a public forum? Who decides what is too much? Should some things be censored? What, by whom, and again, who decides?

My knee jerk reaction would be that people like the guy above should not have the right to say a damn thing, ever, anywhere. But then what? Doesn’t that open the way to censorship?

If some things should be censored, doesn’t that imply that the public is too stupid to put things in perspective, to realize how ridiculous and sometimes downright insane some of what is said truly is? And think hard before saying “of course they’re stupid” because you are, after all, part of that public.

If we start censoring on a more or less large scale, where does it stop?

I have no answers. But then I rarely do.



*picture from stockphoto.com

Bloggers Block

I'm empty, dried out, blogless. I can't seem to get my head around anything to blog about. Doc Mailloux has disappeared from the front pages and further on into the paper, so I really can't be bothered to search him out.

There is a nugget of a story rattling around in my brain, but for the life of me I can't find the right angle. It's been in there for weeks, but nothin' doin', it refuses to hatch.

But I feel like blogging, so I bring you stupid test day! (or too lazy to get my blogging muscles actually moving day - your choice).

First: The colour of my heart. Yeah, I had the same thought... How stupid. On the accuracy scale, this one is pretty damn much useless. Only thing remotely right is Lucky first date and dream lover (got him!). As to what I bring to relationships... you'd have to ask Mr. Jazz.

Your Heart Is Orange

Love equals unbridled happiness for you. You enjoy the wild ride of falling in love. And while the ride is fun for a while, you always get off once the thrill is gone. Your flirting style: Hyper Your lucky first date: Anything you need your passport for! Your dream lover: Is both daring and well grounded What you bring to relationships: Energy

What Color Heart Do You Have?

If I were a drag queen, my name would be...

Your Drag Queen Name Is:

Donna Summersault

Drag Queen Name Generator

Ewwwww. But then how much of a chance is there that I become a drag queen? It would seem a bit besides the point to get a sex change, then disguise myself as what I was before the operation. Well, what I was + a lot of flamboyance. 'Cause the Jazzer? Not so flamboyant...

It seems my famous last words will be:

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"What we know is not much. What we don't know is enormous."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

I doubt it. I'm thinking it'll be more along the lines of: It was a good ride.

And apparently I'm destined for world domination. Which might change my last words. Or not.

You Are Destined to Rule the World

You have the makings of a very evil dictator... Which is both kind of cool and kind of scary! Will you rule the world? Maybe. Maybe not. But at least you know that you could.

Are You Destined For World Domination?

Doc Mailloux Rides Again

Note: Many thanks to Mailloux for providing todays blog

Remember him?

Big kerfuffle in Montreal this morning about the guy. He was interviewed for a TV show, “Les Francs Tireurs” (The Snipers), and apparently went of the deep end, so much so that the network has decided to kill the show.

According to the papers (keep in mind that no one has seen the interview, though it’ll probably end up on You Tube), he said, among other things that:

• Women are inferior to men. Female doctors can’t handle the stress, and work less than male doctors, and if medicine becomes a more feminine profession, the level of health care will drop.
• He would never ever work for a woman (but that’s a personal thing – he said in a radio interview this morning that he wouldn’t be able to get it up if he had been bossed around by a woman all day. Gotta give him points for honesty).
• Michael Jackson and his sister Janet exhibit African tribal behaviours (he with the whole crotch holding thing – do they really do that in Africa? – and she by showing her boobs on national TV) and that they really have to realize they aren’t in Africa anymore*…
  

But, to loosely quote a McGill professor: Mailloux usually says things the way they are. Women doctors tend to work less than men, smokers have a lower IQ than non-smokers, men are physically stronger than women, and thus some jobs are more suited to them (and vice versa), there are plenty of pedophiles and unfit mothers… all things people don’t want to hear.

The guy does have a point. Doc Mailloux is a firebrand. He provokes people, says whatever he thinks and, every time, lands himself on some front page or other. It’s what he does; it’s what he’s always done and will do until he dies.

But why on earth do people get so het up about it? The media just gobble it up every time. Debates ensue. People scream and yell. It’s fascinating to watch actually.

So now, probably, a few things will happen:

• People will want him to be muzzled, he’s not PC, shut him up!**
• Women will scream: We are not inferior doctors.
• Blacks will scream: We do not exhibit tribal African behaviours, hell we’ve never even seen Africa. For generations.
• Others will scream: Look at the state of health care in Quebec, he might have a point.

And this will go on for a couple of weeks until some new un-news comes up. And he will have gotten what he wanted, and the media will have gotten what they wanted, and the public will have gotten what they wanted; namely, depending on which side of the fence they sit, to prove that he should be put away for his incendiary opinions, or, conversely, that he is totally right and that’s why what he says creates such controversy.

And so the wheel turns. As we say in French : "Le ridicule ne tue pas"*** Good thing too - this place would be littered with corpses.

* News for you Doc, Africa wouldn’t want them, and is Janet Jackson the first woman to bare a boob publically? What about white women who do that and worse – Britney baring her cootchie comes to mind… As for Michael, he’s just a total freak, whatever his ethnicity.

** Me, I think the man does what he does very well, namely get himself talked about, but, really, who cares what he thinks about the place of women and blacks in society.

*** Stupidity doesn’t kill

1 rant + 1 quote = Monday

Overheard:

"Well, I know I paid way too much for these shoes, but I deserve it"

Rant:

Why? Why does she deserve it? That "I deserve it" phrase drives me insane. Usually used when people have been good little consumers and bought themselves another toy.

What is this sense of entitlement we have? We're not entitled to anything.

You don't deserve the shoes. You wanted the shoes, you could (or couldn't) afford the shoes, you bought the shoes. I want leading directly to I bought. It has nothing to do with deserving something and everything to do with instant gratification.

Of course, it looks so much less shallow if you "deserve" it. Enough with the hypocrisy.

Quote:

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg

A man after my own heart.

Insightful psychological testing

After reading Choochoo's blog today, and doing the test, I came up as 58% abnormal. It would seem that I'm a psychopath with a borderline personality, no soul and a social phobia. So I figured I'd give posting that a pass. I don't want to scare people away... Then I saw this "blogging type" test.

So not only am I a psychopath with no soul, I am also a brilliant blogger.

Y'all should stick to my blog; meeting me in person might be dangerous.

Your Blogging Type is Confident and Insightful

You've got a ton of brain power, and you leverage it into brilliant blog.Both creative and logical, you come up with amazing ideas and insights.A total perfectionist, you find yourself revising and rewriting posts a lot of the time.You blog for yourself - and you don't care how popular (or unpopular) your blog is!

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Petty Annoyances (road version)

Well hell, and totally off topic, I just realized I've passed the 200 post mark...

• The guy driving in the left lane at 90km/hr. Who refuses to move to the middle lane. 'Cause he likes it in the left lane. The grass is greener and shit. Besides, he's almost at the speed limit, so what's the problem?
• His opposite. The guy who refuses to let you move to the middle lane after passing someone. The guy who, while you're already doing 120 and have your flasher on to move to the centre lane, cuts off the guy in the middle lane and squeezes through to cut you off too, cause damn, he can't wait 3 and a half seconds for you to move. The man is busy, the man is going places, the man is an idiot.
• Tailgaters. I hate when they just sit on your ass. Every time, my foot itches to hit the brakes to teach them a lesson (and probably get myself killed in the process)
• Those people on the highway who throw their cigarettes, coke cans and assorted litter out the window. And people who empty their ashtrays in parking lots. I'd love to shove the crap down their throats. Especially after it has rained a bit and I step into the mess getting out of my car.
• People who talk on cellphones while driving. I know, 99% of cell phone owners do it. It's dangerous, dammit! Just the other day some idiot on a phone just pulled out into traffic and almost sideswiped me. Oh, and there's the time I was crossing the street, minding my own business, contemplating the fact that the little man on the "cross now" light has a really tiny head when an idiot on a cell almost ran me over. And had the gall to yell at me to watch where I was going. Despite the fact that he was RUNNING. A. RED. LIGHT!
• That idiot (I seem to be using that word a lot today) who, despite seeing that there's tons of traffic and he might get stuck in the middle of the street when the light changes, charges ahead anyway. Rather than waiting, even if the light is green, for there to be space to advance into. He's the one who inevitably ends up blocking the street for the rest of us when the light changes.
• People who don't respect pedestrian crossings. For the record though, this seems to be a uniquely Quebec problem. Now, everyone knows if there's a pedestrian on a crossing, you're supposed to stop to let him pass. We all learned that in drivers ed, right? Except, in Quebec, where it is forgotten as soon as it's learned. Along with most other rules of the road, like merging into traffic and stupid stuff like that. A while ago, while I waited in the middle of a crossing, five cars or so went straight through (including a cop car) before someone decided to stop. A car with Ontario plates. The cops could make major money by ticketing those idiots (again with that word). But then they'd have to take a break from that oh so popular Quebec sport: Squoosh the pedestrian.

Monday? Bleh.

I was watching people at the subway entrance today. They looked like nothing so much as busy busy ants zipping along mindlessly, doing what is expected of them.

As I sat down at work, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell I was doing there. I spend my days working in databases, typing reports, fixing PowerPoint presentations that are all screwed up and which, had I done them from the get go, would have gotten done much more efficiently.
And I simply can't see the point anymore. If I ever could.

Most of the time my job's OK for this type of job. I'm well paid, I'm appreciated I don't spend whole days just typing letters. So it's basically the pick of the litter as these things go.

But there is no point.

Back in the days when we wore skins and lived in caves there was a point. You went out to work, killed a mammoths and ate. You didn't kill a mammoth you went hungry. A very clear link between work and result.

What is the point of playing in this stupid database?

I rest my case.

I suppose I could go out and hunt mammoths instead of databases, however, in this early third millennium, I might have a full belly, but it wouldn't pay the mortgage. Giving Mr. Banker a mammoth haunch as a monthly payment wouldn't go over too well, I'm thinking.

What really annoys me though is that I know I have it good. I know many people would love to have my life. Millions upon millions of people in the world don't know where their next meal is coming from and yet I dare complain about my life. My cushy comfortable mediocre life.

It pisses me right the fuck off that I am complacent enough to complain, to gaze at the wonder that is the lint in my navel. I have no right.

Depressed and pissed off about it. Usually when I start getting pissed off at myself I get over myself real quick. Not working this time.

I guess I'll blame the hormones. Gotta blame something.

Political observations of a total nobody

- André Boisclair (the PQ leader) along with one of his candidates has been derided for being gay. Said a radio host in Jonquière, "we don't want a faggot government." The other two leaders, of course, denounced the radio host's behaviour, though I'm sure behind the scenes they were dancing in glee. How, I ask, does the fact that Boisclair is gay impact on his ability to govern (or not)? He would still tax us outrageously, and be the consumate, hypocritical, teflon politician.


- He has also been called out - again, and how sick are we of hearing about it? - about those wild days when he was taking cocaine... Um, like the others haven't partied? How about all those who drink like fish? Speaking of which, do fish drink? Like do they just stop and swallow some of that water? But I digress, non?

- An AD (Action Démocratique) candidate is quoted as saying at one point on his internet radio show, "Enough with women's rights already. How about some rights for men?" Screams and gasps of horror from the other parties (and Mario Dumont, the party leader - him to the right there).

- A PQ candidate has denied the Rwandan genocide. More gasps of horror; poor Boisclair.

- Jean Charest (the Liberal leader) has had to issue statements correcting his candidates statements - as well as his own. Idjit

Oh, and for the record, I deserve kudos for not posting pics that make them look like complete idiots. 'Cause I'm nice like that. And they heap enough ridicule on themselves with no help from me.

None of the leaders are talking about their platforms, they're too busy pointing fingers at the other guy. 'Cause mudracking? Ever so much more fun. Ever so much easier.

This campaign sunk to new levels rather quickly. And these yahoos want my vote? I should give these people the permission to govern me for the next four years?

I'm guessing I'll just vote for the Marxist-Leninist. That way I'll be doing a good deed, he'll get three votes, himself, his mom (if he's lucky) and me.


Besides, in my riding you could present a stapler for the Libs and it would get the votes. Lots of fat rich people in my riding. Traditional Libs.

Cynical? Me? God, how depressing.


Let me trudge away now to contemplate the stupidity of modern society. But that's ok, I don't exist anyway!

Crises and such

Hello, you have reached Jazz, I can't come to the blog right now, as I'm busy having a neverending winter existential crisis.

Please leave your message after the tone.


Beeeeeep

I had a dream...

And it wasn't a Martin Luther King dream.

It was really quite bizarre. We were at the cottage, so was a Montreal radio shrink Doc Mailloux.

Except he had two legs - this guy is missing a leg - and had trimmed the ZZTop beard. I mean really, could this guy be anything but a shrink with a look like that?

And he kept hobbling after me wanting me to tell him all about my issues.

I kept telling him I had none. Or at any rate none that I wanted to talk to him about. There is no way that I'm going to tell a radio audience my problems and issues. He wouldn't believe it and kept pursuing me all over the house. If I had a drink: "Why are you hiding behind that martini?" If I ate "Why are you eating your emotions?" I wanted to slap him, but he would've said, "Why are you passing off your aggression on me?"

I woke up, shuddered, walked around a bit and when I came back to bed I promptly fell right back into my dream.

Creepy dream. Creepy character.

I hate when I wake up and then go back to sleep and the dream just continues. Happens several times a year.

But never when it's a dream I want to keep on dreaming. When I wake up from dreaming Ralph Fiennes is propositioning me, how come I can never get that dream back?

Sex Trivia Take 2

My head is empty these days, so here's more cutting and pasting. And so I watch the snowstorm outside my window and think of turkeys and giraffes....

• Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex than high school dropouts. (Amazing what one learns in college).
• About 1% of the adult female population are able to achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation. (Wow - easy to please...)
• 14% of males said that they did not enjoy sex the first time.
• 60% of women say they did not enjoy sex their first time.
• The Romans would crush a first time rapist’s gonads between two stones. (That would have quite the dissuasive effect)
• It’s illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.
• In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth. (But it's open season on car drivers)
• In Fairbanks, Alaska it’s illegal for moose to have sex on the city sidewalks. (How is this enforced? I wouldn't go up to a rutting moose and try to persuade him to go elsewhere... )
• In Florida having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Um... Ouch! )
• According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear.
• When Viagra became available, operators of Nevada brothels reported that business "shot up" about 20 percent.
• Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
• Up until 1884, a Victorian-era woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.
• During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you’d be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime. (Poor animal!That would have been a cause for PETA)
• The sperm of a mouse is longer than the sperm of an elephant.
• A "Dork' is a whale's penis. Whales, as you might imagine, have the world's largest penises. The blue whale is the champ, due to his size, with a ten foot long member that is one foot in diameter. (But teeny sperm)
• Minks have intercourse that lasts an average of eight hours.
• The chimpanzee holds the record for the quickest mammal sexual intercourse session at an average of three seconds. (They should get lessons from minks)
• Most turkeys and giraffes are bisexual.
• An adult gorilla's penis is only two inches long. (So much for the "hung like a gorilla" myth)
• Humans, fish and porpoises share a common sexual practice -- fellatio

How I wish I had written this

And if it isn't a real letter, it should be, 'cause indeed, that slogan - and the whole advertising campaign - is whacked. Had Always been my brand of choice I would've stopped using it.


Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager
Procter & Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher:

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in right, white shorts. By my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought “Grey's Anatomy” was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period". Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing “happiness” - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just “have” to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.

And that's a promise I will keep... Always.

Best regards,