Friday, August 03, 2007

Correspondence (aka Friday rant)

Dear Man in your car,

When an ambulance tears up the street behind you, sirens screaming, all lights flashing, you let them past. I don't care if your light is red (the probable 6 or 7 of us who had the green weren't going anywhere in order to let the amulance pass), you get your ass out of the way.

Not only is it common decency, I'm pretty sure it's illegal to not let the ambulance by.

And you didn't even have the excuse you were on the phone and didn't notice. You are an Idiot (yes, with a capital "I"). You might argue that your idiocy is not your fault, but rather, falls squarely on the shoulders of genetics. Perhaps. But even idiots can learn simple things like getting out of the way of an ambulance.

Just sayin'



Dear Coworkers,

I know I'm being totall anal here, but let me explain a really difficult concept to you.

You have lunch in the kitchen. You pick up the sponge to wash your dishes. You wash your dishes. So far so good.

Now let me explain the really difficult part. Listen carefully. Once you're finished with the sponge YOU. WRING. IT. OUT. Yes indeedy, you wring the damn sponge out because otherwise the water oozes out all over the place. And I end up mopping up the crappy water.

How hard can this be to understand??? You've all got college degrees for crisssake. WRING OUT THE DAMN SPONGE!!!

You are not sponge worthy.




Dear Man at the magazine shop who bought a scratch lotto ticket and won $5000,

Congratulations. Seriously.

For once not at all cynically,



Dear woman in the metro,

When you wear white quasi see through leggings you really should NOT wear a black thong. Seriously.

Why is it so much of this correspondence has to do with horribly dressed people? Are you all blind?

Plus, the floppy flat ass in leggings thing is really not something that should be imposed on others. Keep it at home.

Oh, and watch What Not To Wear, it might do you good. But then again, you'll probably never learn.




Dear guy on the bike,

Don't you dare bitch me out. Don't you dare you stupid fuck!

I had a stop. I came to a full stop. I saw you coming the other way. But hey, stupid me, I figured you would stop because, you idiot, let me explain a fundmental fact to you. When you are on a bike you are considered a vehicle. You are subject to the same laws as the rest of us when it comes to stop signs and stop lights and the rules of the road. I was in my right to make my left turn. I had arrived at the corner way before you.

Granted, some drivers have no respect for cyclists - I know, I've been on a bike. But - newsflash - respect goes both ways you stupid git.

And remember, next time we meet that I drive an Altima. I am way bigger than you and could do you way more damage than you could do me. And I would have no trouble beating what's left of you to a bloody pulp with your bicycle.

It would give me great satisfaction if truth be told. And I'm not even PMSing.

Way past annoyedly,



Dear Blogger,

Why is it that when I have a draft saved and I post it, it inserts itself down the line of posts to when it was written. This is a brand new development. It used to work fine.

Is it because I've discovered that when you won't let me post comments, all I have to do is go into someone's blog who is not on blogger and then come back to the blogger posts, which, for some reason allows me to comment? Because, yes, despite your quest for total blogosphere domination some people still do not blog with you. I've found a loophole in your hatred of me!!!

Is this why you're punishing me and forcing me to take my draft, copy it, paste it in a whole new post and then publish it?

Why do you hate me so?




Evil Spock said...

What not to Wear is soooo key. Evil Spock has patterned this year's summer wardrobe on Clint's style. Need to buy more pants!

Also, bikers are idiots. You can't win against a car. I bike, and I have to be extra careful not to piss people off.

Also, I would've clubbed that guy and taken his $5000 ticket.

Not really.

Voyager said...

You gotta love a good rant. Clears the head! The white-leggings-black thong-flat-ass rant still has me chuckling.

geewits said...

Feel better now, Jazz? I guess I better go change my leggings or change my thong. Eeeeeew!

Ian Lidster said...

I hate both leggins and cyclists, nuff sed? Thongs, not so much. But, as for cyclists, it's not them entirely (I mean, yes they're being sweet to the environment and all) it's their attitude -- the attitude you described. And, they wear horrible clothes. I like George Carlin's comment to cyclists in general: "You don't have the same rights as a driver. Grown-ups drive, you're riding a fucking toy!"
Thanks for making my day with your rants, you covered the ground for me.

Big Brother said...

Saw a lady today you would have loved, imagine a long haired bottle blond with sunglasses on inside. Now imagine this woman wearing a tight jersey dress (I mean tight). Now for the finale, imagine a big ass... not sexy, not even close.
And to answer your question, yes it is illegal to block an ambulance or any other emergency vehicle. In Ontario they even have signs along the highway warning you to slow down and pull over if an emergency vehicle is coming behind you.

somewhere joe said...

I bike a lot and you're right... I want it both ways. The privilege of a pedestrian and the rights of the road. But I learned long ago to never challenge a car - they're the one with the sheet metal.

Patience said...

Feeling better? I've nothing to add.

Jocelyn said...

I'm with you about the bikers--had the same type of experience a few months back, with him reaming me out verbally and me thinking, "But you're going the wrong way down a one-way street, on the sidewalk, no helmet...don't you deserve to get hit?"

And I'm with you on the leggings.

For blogger and the date thing, have you gone to the bottom of the post you're about to publish, to Post Options, and then changed the date to the current date? That'll move it up to the top without you having to cut and paste.

Dan said...

Suppose you're another ambulance? Do you have to let the other ambulance pass?

Answers people! I need answers! :)

CS said...

Yes to all those things. And add: If you must own polka-dot underwear, please NOt with white pants.

But the blogger bit confused me - I haven't had those particular problems with blogger. Plenty of others, though!

OneFullHouse said...

Oh Jazz,

I'm feeling for you hon!! Your rants are always enjoyable here.

By the way, I know that bike guy, he comes around my street too.


Dorky Dad said...

I rode in the front seat of an ambulance once, and I was SHOCKED at the number of people who wouldn't yield. Amazing.

Rhea said...

I, uh, forgot to wring out the sponge today. Let's be honest. I never do it.

Jazz said...

ES - somehow I don't see you wearing Clinton clothes, but who knows, maybe his look will hasten your trip to world domination.

Voyager - It does indeed clear the head, especially on a Friday.

Geewits - go with the leggings. White leggings are positively evil.

Ian - But do you like a thong enough to actually wear one?

BB - Eww ewww ewww. Was she singing karaoke too?

Joe - that's a valuable lesson to have learned. Bravo.

Patience - Yep. Much. Thanks for stopping by

Jocelyn - thanks for the blogger info. For some reason though, it just started doing this. I'll take your advice. But I maintain that blogger hates me and will find other ways to screw me up if I get around this one.

Dan - Oy...

CS - Polka dots?! Good lord.

OFH - He seems to have cloned himself in multiples.

DD - there is a special place in hell for those people.

Rhea - Tsk Tsk... now I might be obliged to kill you.

Josie said...

Jazz, omigosh, I LOVE your rants. I always feel like I have to be Mrs. Nice Lady, so when I read your rants, I feel good. Maybe one day I will have the courage to really rant on my blog. Look out world... :-)