Friday, July 11, 2008

Next Season on Survivor...

For all you Survivor fans, here is a heads up on what will take place in the next season*.

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and three kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance lessons.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of this three kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework and complete science projects, cook, do laundry and pay a list of “pretend” bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time – no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to Urgent Care. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches and have extreme unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. The must attend weekly school meetings, church and find time at least once to spend the afternoon in a park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name, as well as the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth and length of labour, each child’s favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if… he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mom!

*I have no idea who wrote this, but whoever she is, kudos to her!


furiousBall said...

i'll start watching this show when they shoot the person voted off the island actually off the island with a catapult

Em said...

This is very funny. But it overlooks one fact. Most men would just kill themselves by about Day #5. That would be the easier option. And I say this as a proud dad of 3 kids...cause I know I couldn't do it all!

Rachel said...

that was great! I am now wondering how a man with kids would retort to this--sometimes anti-men sentiment gets carried away....But still funny as hell.

Jazz said...

Fuball - Now THAT would add an interesting dimension to Survivor!

Em - I don't have kids myself, and honestly, I have no idea how moms do it.

Rachel - Yeah, I think there's a lot of man bashing these days too. Actually pretty much all the men I know who have kids are pretty damn competent, and could probably do it easily. But still, it's really funny.

XUP said...

Sadly, they actually had a show like this. It was Canadian... something about the week the women left. It went on for weeks. I think it's pathetic that we're still pandering to male domestic incompetency after everything we've been through.

Jocelyn said...

What it means is my freaking perfect husband who does everything would be winning a million dollars, and, frankly, that seems about right.

geewits said...

Hmmmm, I was a mom. Was I supposed to do all that stuff? No wonder my 23-year-old is so weird.

Carolyn said...


Oh Jazz, I love it!

and the person who suggested the catapult for Survivor.... that is the BEST idea ever!

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

Catapult Idea = yes!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm not sure a single contestant would make it to the end of the season.

VioletSky said...

I don't have kids. And I'm not a man.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last. Even if it were a SMALL island.

Jazz said...

XUP - It is pathetic, especially since most of them are really quite competent. Hell, I'd be catapulted off the island in no time myself.

Jocelyn - I hereby bestow the million on Groomeo

Geewits - Yeah, really. I couldn't see myself doing all that...

Carolyn - Furiousball always has the best ideas!

Kimber - yep

Citizen - probably not, I wouldn't

Violet - you and me both sister!

That girl said...

The social calendar, the favorite things and the never complain attitude would be the toughest tasks for a man.

The others, they'll do half ass, and call it a day.

But hey, us women would probably not really leave the island anyway. We'd only 'pretend' to leave, and then hide in the bush and watch it all happen, ready to step in at a moment's notice.

That's the problem...we rescue our husbands out too much. If we'd just let them do this (all of this) once in a while, they'd get more practice...