Monday, February 04, 2008

Awards, sliced fingers and a life of crime

This will be a difficult post to write. Mainly because it seems most of the words I'm typing are left handed. Who the hell knew so many words were typed mostly from the left side of the keyboard? Obscenely many.

'Cause true to form the Jazzer chopped up various appendages yesterday afternoon. Seriously, what's the point of being close to something sharp if you can't use it to slice and dice? Preferably slice and dice humanoid body parts.

In the time now known as ATFI (after the furnace incident), soot abounded in the Jazz household. So Jazz, who is not usually known for her housecleaning abilities, decided something must be done, starting with the kitchen. Idjit.

The Jazzer, you see, has a few glass fronted cabinets. The glass was greyish with soot. "Eureka! Jazz shouted, I shall venture forth and cleanse the cabinet glass of its soot!"

You see where I'm going here dontcha?

So she proceeded. One glass was taken out and cleaned. Well hey, huge discovery, the edges of the glass weren't sanded down. The Jazzer must be extra careful!

Glass 1 - cleaned and reinstalled
Glass 2 - cleaned and reinstalled
Glass 3 - ditto

You must realize by now that the legendary Jazz luck regarding sharp objects was quickly waning...

Glass 4 slipped. Jazz caught it and saved the day... well, except for the blood that had to be cleaned up.

Because the Jazzer? She um, sliced off a good part of the pad of her ring finger (or so she found out this morning). Oops...

Actually, I'm surprised I've made it to 46 with most of my body parts reasonably intact.

Said finger was wrapped repeatedly throughout the evening in several layers of gauze. As the bandage was bloody again this morning, it was decided that a visit to the clinic was in order.

When the doctor saw it, she said, "Well, it's too late for stiches". Then after cleaning added, "Not that there's anything to stitch... the flap of skin is gone..."

I can't help but wonder if it's sitting in a wine glass, unobserved, and that eventually I'll serve someone some wine, and there, floating on top will be the missing finger part.

So I was cleaned up. A pressure bandage was put on to stop the damn bleeding already, and I was sent on my merry way to return tomorrow so they can have another look at the wound.


1) Peroxide is way cool for cleaning hurts. It doesn't hurt and the frothing action... well it looked like my finger had rabies...

2) The nurse said I was strange becuase 90% of people turn their heads away, rather than leaning in for a closer look. But seriously, I have a little crater in my finger now! No it's not disgusting, it's actually quite interesting.

3) Any idea I had of leading a life of crime are now on the back burner forevermore. I'm going to have myself a very distinct finger print there from now on.

4) typing without a left ring finger is hell. I'm getting a cramp.

In other news:

I have been awarded an E for excellence.
From BB and Ian and Dumdad no less (sorry, no links, typing is annoying enough - and slow enough - already).

I'm supposed to award it to 10 people - isn't that usually five? Are you doing this on purpose?

But I'm going to hold off until not so many words necessitate left handed typing - or I get a smaller bandage... The idea of setting up the links and telling my nominees all about it is more than my fingers can handle right now.

And yes, this is simply laziness diguised as a shamelss bid for sympathy.

And if you're not sympathetic enough, I might just post a pic of the mutilated finger. Sans bandage... Heh.


furiousBall said...

the word sex is completely on the left side. so no sex talk for you.

A Happy Downtowner said...

Awww... you poor thing... I remember an incident with a sharp object. Didn't Mr. Jazz remember it so he could warn you before you attempted this?

I shall make sure I inspect any glass I take at your place for the next 6 months ;)

geewits said...

Ouch! My Sweetie recently did the same thing to his thumb. I can't look at it. He thinks he caught it in his jacket zipper. I've always cleaned wounds with peroxide. Just lightly unscrew the cap a little and you can drizzle it. His is taking forever to heal. I know, not what you wanted to hear, right?

Gnightgirl said...

Bleah, this one made me turn green. I'm not good with blood. Or fingers in my wine glass. I don't care what I said about eating bizarre foods; I don't want finger tips in my merlot!

Get better fast!

Ian Lidster said...

Cuts creep me out. Especially clean cuts. They kind of traumatize me and make me feel faint. Nothing to do with pain, and blood doesn't make me squeamish, but clean cuts do. Argh, poor you. I just cringed thinking about it.

Jill said...

Holy crap! Is finger-slicing going around? Or maybe it's clumsiness that's going around. My sliced finger is just about healed enough to be viewed by the public. Maybe we should have an on-line wound-viewing spectacular? :)

Jazz said...

Furousball - or at least very slow sex talk

HD - You wouls do good to inspect. I'm gonna have a look around. I'll let you know if it's found.

Geewits - nope not what I wanted to hear

Gnightgirl - Yes, but ze feengertip it can add a certain je ne sais quoi...

Ian - I can't understand hoe a clean cut ouwl creep you out more than a messy one. I guess I won't tell you about the time I cut my wrist (accidentally, I'm too much of a wuss to do it on purpose) deep enough to see the vein perfectly, without actually touching it. A thing of beauty it was. I shoulda been a surgeon.

Jill - That would indeed be coolQ LOL I had forgotten about that...

Big Brother said...

Well there is a good side to your slice and dice, there will be one less finger print for you to leave behind on your next crime spree. ;o)

That girl said...

Oh my word. You're made yourself out to be both the hero and the jester in the same story. That is something rare indeed.

*hope you're feeling better soon* Extra creepy points to you for leaning in, rather than away as they were working on your finger!


Josie said...

Jazz, I can feel your pain. Omigosh!!!

I was getting off a bus once, and my ring caught on a screw in a pole, and the bus pulled away with my ring still stuck on the screw on the pole....

Thank goodness it was right in front of St. Pau's Hospital.

Dave said...

Yikes! Makes me cringe just reading your post. Hopefully you fully heal.

ticknart said...

What you need to do is use it to freak people out why you can.

Tai said...

Ouch! Glad you're still blogging away. It's heroic, really.

Jazz said...

BB - Yeah, but it'll be very easy to recognize the print.

That girl - I've always been fascinated by blood, gore, bugs, reptiles and such. I must have been a 10 yeae old boy in another lifetime.

Josie - all I can say to that is OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Dave - Course I'll heal. Actually this morning it was already looking much better.

Ticknart - Unfortunately it's all wraped up so no one can see it...

Jazz said...

Tai - It's not so much heroic as a blatant bid for synmpathy. Besides, it's helping me develop new typing skills for my left hand. So it's a service to my employer really.

Rachel said...

I totally want to see the bloody gaping hole that was once your finger!

Pictures please!

Dorky Dad said...

For some odd reason this post made me really hungry.

And congrats on the award!

Jocelyn said...

Post the picture!

I love the gross.

But aren't your cupboards sparkly now?

Jazz said...

Rachel - When they changed the dressing yesterday I was very disappoited. It already seems to be healing up and it's nowhere near as nasty as it was...

DD - If ever I find the missing bit, I'll send it right over.

Joce - Not really, since I started with those cupboards. All the others and the walls and ceilings are still to be done; wanna come do them for me?