Monday, January 05, 2009

Out with the old and in with.... the new?

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Here I stand. Poised on the cusp of a brand new year. Full of good intentions and resolutions. OK, already a lie, no resolutions and we all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so enough said.

I had sort of, in my last waking moments yesterday, decided on a post that would reflect on the past and coming years.

But then.

Then I read several lovely, thoughtful posts like this one from Citizen at A Little Off Kilter, and this one from Susan, at Ilka's Attic, and again from Kimber and all my good intentions, straight off to hell they did go.

So thoughtful schmoughtful. I might not do thoughtful, but I do do snark. Practice makes perfect after all.

Dear People in Vegas**,

This is a breakfast buffet. The operative word being buffet. By definition, it means you can return several times. There is really no reason to pile your plate 6 inches high with everything from oatmeal to tacos. Seriously. It's disgusting. Get your butt off the chair and go back for more however many times you need to. You can consider it exercise.

Grossed outedly,

Jazz

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Dear Mother Nature,

You are indeed a bitch. Yes you are. Don't try to deny it.

Winter weary alreadily,

Jazz

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Dear Person who watered my boss's plant,

I'm sure you were full of good intentions (see above about those and hell and all that). But I had already watered the boss's plant. You're doing so again while the office was closed for vacation and you came in to clean means the plant now looks like a drowned puppy. It also means I look like I've killed the damn thing.

I don't need your help to go around killing plants. I do fine on that by myself. And now the boss's plant is swimming in massive amounts of water.

Resentfully,

Jazz

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Dear People who run Vegas,

I find it highly disconcerting as a non gambler to walk up to a slot machine and realize that slot machines no longer have slots to receive my quarters. Nor do the winnings fall into a pan at the bottom.

Now I have to purchase a ticket that I put into the machine and if and when I win something I take the ticket to a window for redemption.

That is wrong! Wrong I tell you. When I go to Vegas, I play a quarter in the slot machines. Put in my quarter, pull down the handle wait for the machine to spit out my meagre winnings.

I can no longer carry out my "gamble a quarter every two years" tradition. This annoys me in some strange way.

Feeling extremely old fashioned by your fault-edly,

Jazz


** Soon to come, pictures of the trip.... Well, as soon as I get my shit together at any rate.
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13 comments:

Dumdad said...

Hooray for Calvin!

ticknart said...

I've always been disappointed in the new slot machines, too.

On the other hand, nickle slots!

VioletSky said...

I love you at your snarkiest!

Slot machine tickets?? Where is the joy, the drama in that? If I wanted to take a winning ticket to a window I'd be at the races, not a casino. That is as bad as not being able to top up a parking meter.

Oh, welcome back.

citizen of the world said...

Well sorry to hav had a hand in sending your good intentions to hell, but I like the snarky stuff anyway.

geewits said...

I don't play slots, but I've always loved the sound of ching-clink-ching-clink, etc. that the machines make. That's sad that those have gone away. Welcome back. I hope you got your weird desert fix.

Maddy said...

Wise indeed!

Jocelyn said...

Oh, I did think of you on my vacation...wandering the desert, too.

TICKETS? Yea, that's just sensorily wrong.

Voyager said...

Jazz, I too am pissed off at Mother Nature. She deserved your rant. Have you SEEN photos of Vancouver on the news lately? WTF happened to global warming?
Didn't it snow in vegas about 10 days ago too?
V.

Jazz said...

Dumdad - Yeah, gotta love Calvin

Ticknart - I swear I saw not one slot machine which would accept real money, from penny slots on up.

Violetsky - No joy, no drama, and for me no more playing.

Citizen - It's ok, you do thoughtful so well, I could never measure up anyway.

Maddy - I figure I should stick with what I do best... or something.

Joce - So did I. I kept an eye out for you!

Voyager - Poor dears... What can one count on now, if Vancouver starts getting snowed on? Well cheer up, we're expecting 20-25 cm today.

Here, There, Elsewhere... and more said...

Great post - never a dull moment, n'est-ce pas..?
Happy New Year! - better late than never, I hope..:)

Ian Lidster said...

Looking forward to the pics.

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