The Thing About Mental Pause

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Warning: This post contains information that might not be suitable for impressionable minds. Reader discretion is advised.

Ya know how they say getting older is nice and other such crap?

I am here to tell you: Bullshit.

Ok, I admit it's not all bad; at least I no longer turn into a raving lunatic once a month.

Instead I turn into a raving lunatic 5 times a day. PMS? Pffft piece of cake, this is full time. One minute you're fine the next... raving lunatic is just too nice a description. God people get annoying when you hit this age. Personally, I think they should all be shot. At the very least.

Have you heard the joke? Why did the menopausal woman cross the road? To kill the chicken. That sums it up pretty well actually.

Of course you have the ubiquitous hot flash. Take a match and light a bonfire. On the inside. I gotta tell you, my first one took me by surprise. Burning up. From the inside out. It's... well actually it's just freaking bizarre. Perhaps a touch better than feeling like ripping someone's face off just because they're standing there in front of you, but not by much. It's actually extremely disconcerting to feel you absolutely must strip off all your clothes in the middle of the office. Most of us, luckily manage to hold off. Naked menopausal women are not something you want to see running around the office. Because afterward... well, just so you know: We'd have to kill you. Slowly. Just for the fun of it.

You'd think hot flashes would be a great thing during the winter, keeping you all toasty and warm. No such luck. They never strike when you're standing on a street corner freezing your ass off waiting for the bus. Nooooo that would be too easy by far. They always strike at the most inappropriate times: meetings, sex - and seriously, I hope you're not doing those two at the same time. If so, you're a way better multi-tasker than I.

Then there's the anxiety. A diffuse anxiety that sticks around for an hour or two for no other reason than it can. You have absolutely no reason to feel anxious of course. Your life it totally under control - as much as it can be when you want to kill every third person you see on the street. So why the anxiety? Because it adds just that little je ne sais quoi to the hot flash you're experiencing.

Then there's the fun fun world of formication. No. Not Fornication. FOR-MI-CATION. That bug you can feel crawling up your leg. It's there. You know it's there, and yet it's not. Insanity? Perhaps. The itchiness that scratching until you bruise won't get rid of, the nasty sensation of not fitting into your skin anymore. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "my skin was crawling".

That body you've been comfortably (let's just leave body image issues aside for now, we really don't need that thrown into the mix) living in for the past 45 years? It's gone. It's been taken over by aliens. Menopause is better than a Stephen King novel. By far.

The keys, the names, the phone numbers that just disappear from your brain. Of course, this only happens because my brain? It's too full of important information to keep track of trivial things like where I left the car, who I'm meeting for dinner, my husband's name and that pesky three digit emergency number.

Who needs this information? Besides, have you any idea how much exercise you can get wandering around a mall parking lot desperately searching for the car???

It's actually a good thing I have no cell phone. It would probably disappear on such a regular basis that it would be totally useless anyway. Course, when I did have it around, I could always call hubby to ask him what his name is... and mine while I'm at it.

At least my life is surprising me in new and mysterious ways every day. And I have to admit it's great to have a period that's two months late. And at the end of it? I'll never have to Have A Happy Period** again!

Of course, men have it tough too. What do they get to deal with at this age? A new sports car.

Is it just me or is that totally unfair?

** Dear People at Always: Which moron thought up that particular slogan? There is no woman, anywhere in the world who has "a happy period". Get a new ad campaign going, please. And fire the stupid git who thought this one up. Or I'll have to kill you. Like that chicken across the road.

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