Once upon a time (sometime in Apri I thinkl), Ian said something in his blog about peeing standing up. You are responsible for inspiring this post Ian. It's all your fault, just so you know.
Men and women differ in so many ways. In oh, so many ways. Shoes for instance. I don't know many male shoe whores. And the lipstick thing... not so much with the men. Peircing body parts? Scratch that, they're catching up, not so much with the ears but pretty much everywhere else. The thing I really envy about men is their ability to pee standing up.
You’re in the woods with a man, he needs to pee, he stands next to a tree, does his business, shakes his doodad and that’s all there is to it. Me? I have to step off the trail and find a bush suitably large to hide my crouching, blindingly white butt. I have to make sure I don’t pee all over myself and my clothes and then proceed to wipe with a few leaves of poison oak. ‘Cause regular leaves would just take all the fun out of the proceedings.
Or you’re snowshoeing in -20 degree weather, wearing a snowsuit comprised of overalls and a ski jacket. You’re a woman and gotta pee? Yep, you guessed it. Take off the coat, pull down the overalls, pee. Having been in this situation, believe me when I tell you that -20 degree weather has an annoying tendency to not only freeze that blindingly white butt (which, luckily is somewhat camouflaged by the whiteness of the snow), but also to cut any inspiration you might have had to pee. Freezing one’s nether parts will do that to a girl.
In such circumstances, I can assure you Freud was right. Penis envy does indeed exist. Oh, how it exists!
However, penis envy dies a miserable death when one lives with a man. In a house. With indoor plumbing. Because the penis, useful as it is for many many purposes, (peeing standing up being the least of them) has a huge deficiency; it lacks the ability to hit a large target. Thus, unleash a penis in an urban (or suburban) bathroom and mayhem ensues.
Now, I fully understand the toilet seat issue men whine about. It’s no harder for me to put it down after you’re done than it is for you to pull it up in order to pee. I’m quite open to putting the seat down myself. Though when I forget and sit in the toilet at 3:00 am, blindingly white butt awash in frigid toilet water I have a tendancy to scream. If you don't want to be awakend by a blood curdling shriek at 3:00 am, take the necessary steps. Just sayin'.
What I have major problems understanding is how a male older than 10 can not have had enough practice peeing in a toilet to actually hit the target. Seriously boys, the hole is huge, but I have yet to meet a man who is able to pee without splatter on the bowl, on the floor, every where*… The mind boggles.
(The next sentence contains graphic descriptions and technical words which might offend some readers. Viewer discretion is advised)
Especially when one realises that most adult males are not virgins and are able to aim their penis at a tiny target (i.e. a vagina) the entrance of which is much smaller than a toilet bowl without ever missing. It zips right on in. Every. Time. Go figure.
have no idea how to finish this blog, no witty ending, so instead I am appealing to your sense of civic duty. Give me some input boys... what is the problem? Enquiring minds wanna know.
* This explains the lack of those little carpets around the base of toilet in our home. I'd rather the pee dry on the floor than macerate in a carpet...