I’ve been browsing through stores on my lunch hours recently. Looking at all the new summer fashions.
I was even tempted, recently, to write an Ode to this season’s clothes, entitled “How do I loathe thee, let me count the ways”, but I only got a couple of lines in until I figured that this season’s clothes do not merit the energy I would expend finding the words that rhyme.
But being the pig-headed fool that I am, here is, despite there being no rhymes, a list of the things I hate the most about this year’s clothes…
- I hate the length of tops. Until a year or so ago tops were waaaay too short. Now they’re waay too long. They stretch out over the butt, they exist to make my butt look bigger than it already is. Take my work for it, this butt does not need to look any bigger.
- I loathe those damn empire waisted tops, you know, the ones that make anyone over 15 and a size 0 look pregnant. I’m 45, I already look pregnant, I don’t need clothes that rub that in.
- I abhor those jersey dresses. They are totally unforgiving, plus, if a dress fits the bottom it’s way to big on top and if it fits the top there is no way in hell it will cover my butt. Oh the woes of being shaped like a pear. If I had boobs, I’d be voluptuous, as it is, I look like a piece of damn fruit.
- And the leggings. I’m not even going to touch on the spawns of evil that are leggings.
- Pants are doing it too. Getting narrower and narrower, like some sort of denim paint. Again, totally unforgiving and, well, you don’t want to see a normal 40 year old in these things. Trust me. Look at those! Imagine a body with an ass and belly. And thighs. Most of us aren’t Michelle Pfeiffer.
LISTEN TO US GODDAMNIT!!!
What’s the solution? Stores for “women” (aka the old-lady-in-orthopedic-shoes store)? I think not. I will kill myself before I wear a t-shit (oops Freudian slip) with kittens on it, or some weird-ass boxy dirndl skirt.
This season is obviously geared to 13 year olds with size 2 bodies (actualy size 2 seems to be considered rather fat now). Every season is geared to them.
You’d think with the population aging, they’d realize that there are lots of grown women out there with lots of money to spend. And some of us don’t want to look like idiots. Some of us, but apparently not enough of us.
When I shop this season, I’ll buy books. At least I don't look stupid with a book.