Friday, January 06, 2006

Dear....

Dear Men on Busses,

Why do you insist on sitting with your legs wide open? Are you airing the jewels? Hoping we’ll notice them through your pants? Do you think we actually care?

We don’t. Really. We are not impressed.

We are especially not impressed when two of you are sitting there with your legs open and an empty seat between you and the next guy with his legs wide open. I personally am not impressed when I want to sit in that empty seat and have to squeeze between your respective legs (which neither of you is willing to close).

Do us all a favour and close the legs already. I promise you will NOT look like a pussy if you do so, whereas you look like a Neanderthal with the legs open.

Oh, and by the way, please take a little less space while reading the financial and sports pages of the paper. I’m not THAT fond of the smell of newsprint.

Pissed offedly,

Jazz


Dear Subway Commuters,

There is something you need to know about the subway. There are not separate in and out doors. While you are shoving to get in, people are trying desperately to get out. If you actually wait for them to exit, you will have an easier time of trampling others who are waiting to get in, since they won’t be kept on their feet by the people trying to exit.

It’s quite easy actually, even though the concept might be hard to grasp. All you have to do is let people exit, THEN you can trample, maim and mutilate anyone standing in front of you to get in the subway car. Much more satisfying all around.

Sarcastically,

Jazz


Dear People with Cellphones,

Look, seriously. A bit of discretion is a good thing.

I don’t want to know all about your date yesterday while I’m in the bus.

I don’t care whether what brand of toilet paper you buy. Don’t call home, make an executive decision for crissake. What did you do before cell phones?

Please do not subject me to your inane cell phone chatter any more. Are you doing this to prove you have a life? It’s not working, actually you seem to have even less of one. A little bit of mystery is a good thing.

Cellphonelessly,

Jazz


Dear Canadian Tire**,

The outlet closest to me is situated right under an office tower on the way into the subway. By knowing this, you will realize that your highest traffic takes place from noon - 2:00 and between 5:00 - 6:30. The store is always PACKED at these hours.

You have 6 (yes, I counted) cash registers in this store, all waiting patiently to seperate us from our hard earned dollars. And obviously, we are willing to hand them over if we are in the store.
Why then, I ask, are there never more than two cashes (three on a good day) open at any one time? The lines snake back into the store, people become frustrated, hell even I become frustrated, and waiting usually doesn't bother me since I always have a book on hand.

Perhaps customer satisfaction is not high on your agenda. This I can understand, after all you're a retailer and customer satisfaction is not often at the top of the list for many retailers.

At least think of your poor cashiers. The abuse they take, these poor girls, from frustrated shoppers! OY! You couldn't pay me enough to take that abuse, and god knows, you don't pay them enough. Plus there's that red shirt uniform they have to wear! Do they have to pay for those themselves? Probably. In that case they deserve a good looking uniform.

Snarkily,

Jazz

** A sort of Canadian (surprise surprise) "hardware" store. They sell paint and hammers, lamps and cleaning products, tires and rat poison, skates and garden hoses, alernators and car carpets. You see the type of place. CT is an integral part of the Canadian landscape.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Scary!!!

paula said...

You're stories are so funny! Amazing how humorous the every day events of life can be. Thanks for the laughs!

choochoo said...

hehe... you'll give yourself a heartattack some day, you know :o)