I went to Winners today to kill the time after lunch. As I left, the alarm system went off. Mr. Security Guy comes running, “Madam, will you please step back into the store?” In the voice of a wannabe cop who’s thrilled to have something to do and would like nothing better than to scream “On the ground! Hands behind your head!”
So I came back into the store (not that I had actually left it, I stepped back in on my own after the machine started screeching, after all, I had nothing to hide).
“May I look in your purse M’aam?”
“Sure, go ahead”
He gives me back the bag – I walk through again. The electronic no-thief-will-get-past-us machine screeches anew.
“Would you step back in please and hand me your purse?”
“Here you go”
I step through again. You guessed it:
“Would you step back in please and open your jacket?”
The wannabe is itching to frisk me because hey, he’s a wannabe cop and never got to frisk anyone before. So I tell him, “Here take my jacket I’ll go through again”
Actually this is beginning to get hilarious. Mr. Security Guy is getting red in the face. He invites me back in (well of course he does! He’s a very conscientious guy). Me, meh, been there done that, he could’ve called the cops if he wants, I’d done nothing wrong.
I unzip my sweater, saying “See, nothing”
“The next step is that I take off all my clothes and walk thought naked. You don’t want that, it might scar these nice people who are staring at us for life” Course I didn’t really say that, I just wanted to. Badly. What the hell did he think I did, swallow a sweater whole?
Poor wannabe cop had to let me leave. His frustration was palpable. He probably had a hard on at the idea of actually "arresting" someone. I could almost see him wither...
As I said, been there done that. For a period of about six months while I was in university, every time I left a store (and often when I went in) I’d set the alarms off (insert spooky music here). If I recall, my sister at one point had the same type of problem. She’d put a watch on and it would stop working within the hour. Must be our magnetic personalities…
That or we’re really extraterrestrials here to take over the world. You’ll never know! Mwwwahahaha